


Battle Scars

by Aj4668



Series: Battle Scars [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Accidental Outing with No Repercussions, Addiction, Brief but Nasty Homophobic Slurs, Depression, Drug Addiction, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Deaths (referenced), Not Rachel Friendly (but it gets better), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, War/Battle Violence, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 18:13:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 47,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7542907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aj4668/pseuds/Aj4668
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><br/>Finn leaves the army with his mind, body, and soul shattered, and goes home to Lima to try to repair the damage. The only thing missing is Puck, who no one has seen or heard from for four years. </p>
<p>When Finn searches for his long lost friend, he is surprised at what he finds but their love for one another may just be strong enough to heal them both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Battle Scars

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  Many thanks to [fearlessly](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fearlessly) and [pletzel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pletzel) for the betas, and to fearlessly for reading it a gazillion times, and to pletzel for answering way too many "how do I...", "when do I..." and "how long is yours?" questions. 
> 
> All errors are mine.
> 
> The amazing art is done by the incredible [freakingpotter](http://freakingpotter.tumblr.com/) and you can find it [on her Tumblr](http://freakingpotter.tumblr.com/post/147328339588/this-is-the-drawing-i-did-for-the-fuckurt-bigbang), along with her other amazing art. Seriously, she's awesome. It's my first BigBang, and I was really lucky to be able to work with her! <3

 

  
  


Finn was going home.

 

This time, it was for good. After ten years, three deployments, and one war, he was leaving the US Army, and heading home to Lima.

Well, leaving was a nice way of saying it, really. He was leaving the army on a medical disability discharge. Sure, he was getting an honorable discharge, and it was written that it was largely because of his physical injuries so he could get disability and services without issue. Although he did have substantial physical injuries, the reality was that he was leaving because he had PTSD and couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t do much of anything anymore, really. 

He had gone straight from Ft. Hood, Texas to Palmetto, Florida, where he completed the 10-day training class with his service dog, Bruce, at the Southeastern Guide Dogs campus. He’d been told they had amazing success with matching dogs to the people who need them, and he agreed. 

Bruce the Wonder Dog, as he’d taken to calling him, was a Golden Labrador, and simply the best dog ever. He’d been trained to prevent Finn from emotional overload, and Bruce was wonderful for that, but Bruce also provided love, comfort, and companionship for Finn. 

The mid-morning flight from Tampa to Columbus was uneventful, and even comfortable since a lovely flight attendant had let Finn and Bruce sit in an empty first-class row as a thank you for his service. Finn was grateful. Bruce didn’t care so much.

 

Finn landed, deplaned, and got his bags. He didn’t know who would be picking him up, but Burt had assured him someone would be there. He walked out of the airport and the cold March air hit him in the face. “Well, Bruce, we sure aren’t in Florida anymore.” Finn said as he looked around the busy area. It took him a minute, but he finally saw Sam, and sighed with relief.

He waved to get Sam’s attention, and Sam walked towards him, and they hugged.

“Dude, I’m so glad you’re home,” Sam said. “We’re all so happy.” 

“Thanks, man. I’m happy, too, I think. Thanks for coming to get me. I was afraid it would be Mom or Kurt, and it would be really emotional, and…” Finn couldn’t finish the sentence, but Sam seemed to understand.

“No problem, really. I understand.” He laughed as Bruce head-butted Sam’s leg, and then lifted his paw for Sam to shake. “Hey there, buddy. Aren’t you a cool dog?”

“This is Bruce, my service dog. He’s introducing himself to you, and getting to know you,” Finn said.

“Service dog?” Bruce wore his vest, but Sam wasn’t sure what role Bruce played for Finn.

“Yeah, for my PTSD,” Finn explained.

“Oh, that’s awesome, dude. Dogs are the best,” Sam said. “So he’s been trained for this?”

“Yeah, specifically for PTSD. I just came from Florida where we were trained together, and he was trained to work with people like me from the time he was a puppy.”

“That’s awesome, dude.”

They loaded Finn’s bags into Sam’s truck, and Bruce jumped in the rear seat of the cab while Finn and Sam got settled up front. 

“Ready for all this?” Sam asked, handing Finn a winter jacket Carole had purchased for him. 

“I guess. It’s weird being back here,” Finn said. “So how come you’re here, and not Burt or my mom?”

“Your mom’s cooking. Something about your favorite foods, and needing to do it herself. Burt had some things to do.”

“What’s Kurt doing?” Finn asked.

“Um, yeah, about that. How are you feeling today, with your PTSD?” Sam asked, with a frown.

“I guess okay for now. Why?”

“Rachel may show up at your mom’s house. Everyone has insisted it’s family only, but she keeps saying she’s family. Kurt’s ready to kill her, and stayed in case she shows up,” Sam said.

“Rachel? Why would she be there? Why is she in Lima? Where’s Jesse?” Finn asked.

“Oh my god, you don’t know any of this? Fuck, I guess I’m the lucky one that gets to tell you everything. I’m sorry, Finn,” Sam said.

“Dude, not your fault. Just tell me,” Finn said, but he wasn’t all that sure he wanted to hear it, really.

“Well, Rachel and Jesse are divorced. They got divorced about a year ago, and since then, she’s been all, ‘So how is Finn?’ and ‘Has anyone heard from Finn?’ No one who actually knows anything has told her anything, obviously. When she heard you were coming home, she made plans to come back, too.”

“So she doesn’t know…?”

“No, she doesn’t know you’re gay, unless Kurt’s told her, but it doesn’t sound like it,” Sam said. “I doubt she’d be sniffing around otherwise. Anyway, she caught Jesse cheating on her, so she says, but Jesse said he just couldn’t take anymore of her drama. My guess is both things are true, because she has become quite the self-centered princess, more so with each leading role she gets, but beyond that, I don’t care enough to dig deeper with either one of them to find out. The divorce has sent her over the edge, though. She’s out of control.”

“Fuck. So Rachel may show up.” He sighed. “Anyone else?”

“No, that’s it. Blaine’s parents have the kids for the day, so at least there’s that. Oh and Katie said she’d see you another day, but is really happy you’re home safe,” Sam said.

“Sam, you could have brought Katie. She’s your wife, and I love her, and she’s sane, which may be the most important part today,” he laughed. Sam’s wife Katie was another music teacher at McKinley, and Finn really enjoyed her.

“No, that’s okay. She understands, and she’s home with the kids, but thanks.”

“Has anyone heard from Puck?” Finn asked quietly.

“Nope. I can’t believe it’s been four years now since his mom died and he took off. He was touring with his band the last time we knew where he was for sure, but we’ve tried everything since they stopped touring – Facebook, Twitter, the band’s website, all of his old email addresses, his old numbers. His sister went to college out of state somewhere, and we don’t know where she is, either. Jake hasn’t heard anything at all. We even had Coach Beiste try.”

“Fuck. Well, that will give me something to do, I guess. What about Tana and Britt and the others?”

“Britt and Tana are in town, but will see you when you’re ready. Quinn is in the middle of a big case and couldn’t be here, but wants you to call her, and she said no rush, take your time. Same with all the others, really. They’re just all happy you’re home, and okay,” Sam said softly.

They caught up during the rest of the trip, though mostly it was Sam filling Finn in on his life, and the lives of their friends. As adults, without the competition between them for solos, partners and popularity, they all had become quite close. Santana and Finn grew especially close after Puck left. 

As they neared Finn’s house, Sam asked gently, “Are you up for this? I’m totally okay with just taking you to my house and calling them and saying you can’t do it.”

“No, I’m okay. I know my signs, and I have Bruce. I want to see my mom, and if I need to, I’ll leave. Thanks for being here, dude, and for getting it.”

They got to the house, and Sam said, “Hold on a minute.” He sent a quick text, and then said, “Okay, let’s go.”

“What did you do?” Finn asked.

“I texted Kurt and told him no yelling, no jumping, no big surprises. Dude, you’re shaky, and we both know it.”

“Thanks, man. Really.”

 

Sam opened the door and went in first. He said, “Hey! We’re here!” loud enough that Finn was laughing when they entered the kitchen and saw everyone standing there with worried looks.

Carole made her way to Finn first.

“Mom.” Finn walked around the kitchen island, and took her in his arms. He knew Carole was crying, and he was trying hard not to, but in therapy, he’d learned to not suppress his emotions, so eventually, he gave up, and just cried with her. Carole soothed him, as best as any mother could soothe a grown man who had witnessed horrifying things.

Burt caught Sam’s eye, and Sam shook his head, silently saying, “No, he’s not okay.” Burt frowned, and looked at the floor as tears filled his eyes.

A few minutes later, Finn pulled away from Carole, and hugged Burt, then Kurt and Blaine. He was happy to see all of them, but was trying to not get overwhelmed. 

Sam and Blaine brought Finn’s bags in while Bruce “met” everyone, and Carole made Finn a plate of all his favorite foods.

 

Burt was talking to Finn about Bruce and the training course in Florida when the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” Kurt said. “It better not be Rachel,” he added, mumbling under his breath. Before Kurt could get to the door, it opened, and Rachel came in.

“Hello! I came to welcome my Finn home! Look, I brought cake! It has a happy face!”

“Rachel, we talked about this. Finn has to take things slow, and assimilate…” Kurt said.

“Nonsense, Kurt. I’m family to him. Where is he?” She pushed past Kurt and ran to the kitchen before he could stop her. She found Finn, and grabbed him in a hug, not letting go.

“Oh Finn, I can’t believe it! You’re home! Oh let me look at you! You’re so handsome! How are you, really? Are you okay after everything? When I heard about it all, I couldn’t stop crying and…”

Bruce wedged himself in between Finn and Rachel, effectively separating them. 

“Finn! Your dog almost knocked me over!” Rachel was crying big tears, but looked angry, too. “Are you going to move your dog?”

“Rachel, the dog is his service dog. If Bruce signaled, it means that Finn is in danger of being overwhelmed and triggered. You need to calm down for Finn, and stop talking about whatever it is you think you needed to talk about,” Sam said, quietly but firmly. 

“Well, my goodness, Sam. No need to be so rude. Finn knows I’m just trying to let him know how grateful I am that nothing happened to him when…”

“Rachel, perhaps you should calm down,” Blaine said.

“So! We have cake! Does anyone want cake?” Rachel asked.

“Rachel!” Kurt hissed. “Does it look like anyone wants cake?”

“Well no, but I made it especially for today, and I know Finn wants to try some. It’s happy cake.”

“Happy cake? Rachel, what grade are you in? Finn wants to get through this day, and maybe unpack some of his stuff, and probably take a nap,” Kurt snapped.

“Okay, stop talking about me like I’m not here. Rachel, thanks for making the cake. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to try it now. See how Bruce is leaning up against me? That’s my signal that I need to go to a quiet place and do the exercises that I’ve been taught, or I may have an episode. I’m really sorry, everyone, but I need to go my room. I’ll catch up with you all later. Sam, thanks again, man.”

As Finn tried to make his way out of the kitchen and down the hall to go upstairs, Rachel didn’t give up.

“Exercises? Do you do yoga? I do yoga. We could do that together. I even have some yoga clothes in my car.”

“Rachel sweetie, I think that’s enough for today, and its time for the ‘party’ to end. Thank you for the cake, and I’ll bring the dish by later this week,” Carole said as she picked up Rachel’s purse and keys, and guided her towards the door.

“Are you sure? I do yoga…” Rachel stammered.

“Yes, quite sure. Have a nice afternoon, dear,” Carole said, and she shut the door in Rachel’s face.

“Namaste, you bitch,” Kurt said. 

Blaine and Burt laughed, but Carole sighed. “Kurt, that’s not nice. It’s accurate, maybe, but not nice.”

“I don’t care. Finn, I’m sorry. Finn? Are you okay?” Kurt noticed that Finn was seemingly staring at the wall, and was starting to sweat. “Carole, Finn. Look at Finn.”

Carole looked at Finn, noticed his flushed face and that he was sweating, and said, “Okay, everyone out. Out. He needs quiet now, so go.”

 

Everyone left, and Carole moved closer to Finn, but only so he could hear her voice. Bruce was leaning against him, and was licking Finn’s hand. Carole had done research on service dogs for PTSD, and knew this was a way to help break the overload, or bring him back from a flashback, if Finn was having one.

“Finn, you’re in the kitchen, sweetie. In Lima. We’re going to breathe, okay? Take a deep breath with me. That’s it, in and out.” Carole breathed with him, loudly, so he could follow her pattern. Finn had signed a release for her to talk with his therapist from Ft. Hood, so she knew that although Finn had several methods of getting through his “episodes”, as he preferred to call them, breathing exercises worked best for him now.

“Finn, keep breathing, in and out, sweetie. If it’s okay, I’m just going to help you to the chair. Is that okay?” Carole asked.

Finn nodded, barely, but Carole saw it, and lightly took his arm, and guided him into the closest chair. Bruce followed, and placed his head on Finn’s lap once he was seated.

After a couple more minutes of breathing, Finn muttered, “I’m okay.”

“Can I get you anything? Water? Meds?” Carole asked.

“Water, and Mom, I’m so sorry,” Finn said, with a sigh.

“Oh no, sweetie. No need for that. We never should have planned anything other than just you coming home, and we should have put bars on the doors and windows so Rachel couldn’t get in,” Carole said.

“Can we still do that?” Finn laughed softly.

“What do you need? Do you need to talk? Go lie down?” Finn’s therapist had told Carole that it was really important to respect his needs following an episode. Sometimes he wanted to talk, sometimes he didn’t want to, but either was okay.

“I think I’m going to go lie down. I need to give Bruce a treat, and then we need to rest. Thanks, Mom. Love you.”

“I love you, too, sweetie.”

 

Finn went upstairs with Bruce at his heels, and entered his room for the first time in years with the knowledge that it was his again, at least for the foreseeable future. Everything looked the same as it did when he was in high school, except it was a lot cleaner, and Carole had gotten new bedding for him. 

He dug in his bag for Bruce’s treats, and gave one to his awesome dog. As Bruce enjoyed his treat, Finn sat on the bed and looked around. He noticed his football trophies, Glee club awards, and the wall of photos. 

He got up to get a closer look. All his friends were there, laughing or singing and dancing, and looking young and carefree. He unpinned one of Puck and himself from Nationals in Chicago, and looked closer. 

Fuck, where was he? They were so happy then. What happened to his best friend? He hadn’t seen him since Puck’s mother’s funeral, four years prior, and then Puck cut off contact with everyone. 

Finn knew one thing, though. He wouldn’t heal, wouldn’t be whole, until he found Puck. 

 

Finn got up later to feed Bruce and take him for his walk, but then went right back to bed, and slept through until morning. He woke to the smell of coffee, bacon, and something sweet. Kurt must be cooking, he thought. Thank fuck.

He threw on some sweats, and went downstairs. Kurt looked up and said, “Breakfast will be ready in five minutes.”

“Awesome, dude. I’ll be back in time. Just need to take Bruce out.”

The winter air was a shock to Finn’s system still, but Bruce was in dog heaven, sniffing around. Finn quickly got him back to the house so they could eat and warm up.

Finn found that Kurt had indeed made something sweet – the French toast Finn always loved. 

“Oh little bro, thanks! This is awesome!” Finn sat at the table with Blaine and Kurt, and dug right in. 

“You’re welcome, Finn. It’s been awhile since I’ve made it. I’d forgotten how fun it was to watch you eat what I cook. Blaine and I are so careful with what we eat that it’s not always fun cooking. This is fun,” Kurt said.

Finn ate a huge bite of French toast, and tried to say, “It’s fun eating it,” but it wasn’t understandable. 

Blaine laughed, and said, “I think he likes it, honey.”

“Dear god, Finn. Don’t choke. I can always make more.”

“More?” Finn asked around a mouthful of bacon. “Really?”

 

Carole and Burt walked into the kitchen at that moment, laughing. 

“Well, this brings me back to many Saturday mornings when you boys were in high school,” Burt said as he grabbed a plate and sat down. “Oh my god, Kurt. Is this real bacon? It smells real. Is it really real? It’s not turkey bacon or tofu bacon or something?”

“Yes, Dad, it’s real,” Kurt sighed. “You can have two pieces, that’s it.”

“You just told Finn you could make more.”

“Yes, and Finn hasn’t had a heart attack and prostate cancer. He can have more bacon.”

Finn laughed. He’d forgotten about these daily pieces of life, and how much he enjoyed them. He hadn’t been home to Lima for more than a week since he joined the Army, and this was the first time they were all together here since he left, and Kurt had gone to college. 

“What are your plans for the day, sweetie?” Carole asked.

“Well, I need to unpack, but other than that, nothing really specific. Why? Did you have something in mind?”

“No, but if you wanted to have any friends over, that’s okay.”

“Maybe Sam, or maybe even Britt and Tana, but I can’t deal with Rachel.” He looked at Kurt and Blaine. “I hope that’s okay. I know you all are close to her still.”

“Finn, that’s fine. We’re still friends with her, but only because we see her in small doses. She’s a lot to handle for anyone,” Blaine said. He looked at Kurt, who nodded. “What do you think about us bringing the girls by to see you later? If you aren’t up to it, it’s okay. Honestly.”

“No, that’s great. I’d love to see them.” Finn had seen his nieces, Sophie and Lizzie, only once since they were born two years prior. He’d been in the Middle East when they were born. When he came back and saw them for the first time, they were six months old. 

“Maybe you should stagger the visits, honey? If you want Sam, Santana and Brittany to come over, maybe you should have them over earlier?” Carole asked.

“I’m sure Sam is working, but I’ll call Tana.”

Finn slipped Burt some bacon, and went to get his phone to call Tana. As he was walking up the stairs, he heard Kurt say, “Don’t think I didn’t see that! What, are you both twelve?”

 

Finn was laughing when Tana answered the phone, and she cried when she heard his voice. 

“Oh Finn, it’s so good to hear your voice,” she said.

“Tana, please. I need you to be the calm, badass one. I’ll never get through this if everyone keeps crying,” Finn said. “Yesterday was bad enough.”

“Yeah, I heard you saw Rachel and it was a fucking circus freak show. I’m sorry we didn’t do more to stop that.”

“Tana, it’s not your fault, and not why I’m calling. Can you and Britt come over today? I’d love to see you guys,” Finn said.

“Hell yes we can! Britt! Get dressed! We’re going to see Finn!”

“Ouch, maybe you could put the phone down next time you screech?” Finn asked, but he was laughing.

“Oops, sorry. We’ll be there in an hour. Does that work?”

“Yep, see you then.”

 

Finn had a great visit with Britt and Tana, and as expected, they all cried. Tana didn’t even try to hide it as she jumped into his arms. 

“Yes, I know I said I wouldn’t cry, and I’d be the big badass, but I can’t help it. I’m just so happy to see you.”

“It’s okay. I’m happy to see you, too, Tana.” 

Britt took her turn for a hug, and said, “I love you, Finn, and I’m so glad you are here and okay.”

Finn swung her around and said, “I love you, too, Britt, and it’s so good to see you.”

They had a short, but really nice visit, and as Britt was leaving, she stopped, took his face in her hands, and said, “The bad things are just things, Finn. What we see is just what we see. It isn’t always real. Our scars, the ones on our skin or on our hearts, just mean we fought battles and won. Our yesterdays aren’t our tomorrows. None of it is who we are. Think about that, Finny. I love you.”

Finn thought she sounded like she had combined a bunch of motivational posters together in a way that didn’t make sense, but he also knew that quite often, in the middle of Britt’s ramblings, were really good pieces of advice, so he ran upstairs to write it in his journal that his therapist suggested he keep and he actually found helpful.

While he was upstairs, he pulled out his iPad, sat on his bed, and got on Facebook. He wanted to reactivate his account, which he had deactivated after everything had happened, and see if he could contact Puck, or maybe Puck’s sister, Sarah. He knew Santana had tried contacting them on Facebook, but he had to try himself. 

He went through the steps and once he was activated, he went right to Puck’s page. It was active, but there hadn’t been any posts on it in four years. He posted on his page anyway, just in case.

 

Finn Hudson → Noah Puckerman

Dude, where are you? I’m in Lima now, staying with mom and Burt. Long story, but it’s for the next while, at least. I have the same number, so call, text, whatever. Miss you.

 

He also sent him a private message, saying the same thing.

He found Sarah’s page, and couldn’t believe how much she’d grown up in four years. He sent her a friend request, and a message.

 

Finn Hudson → Sarah Puckerman

Hi Sarah, wow it’s been a long time, and haven’t you grown up into a beautiful woman! I’m trying to get in touch with your brother. If you could give me his number, or pass on that I really need to talk to him, that would be great, and I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!

 

He found the band’s page, and liked it, and started looking through photos. There were a bunch from older performances, but he noticed that the most recent one was from more than a year ago. 

He went to Google, and typed in “The 5 and 20”, which was the name of Puck’s band, and found the band’s site. He looked for tour dates, and there weren’t any, nor were there any updates to the page recently. Had the band broken up, he wondered.

While he was looking at the site, Kurt came in. “What are you looking at?” he asked.

“Puck’s band’s website. I think they may have broken up. The site and their Facebook page haven’t been updated in over a year,” Finn explained.

“Oh that’s sad. I always loved that he chose that name,” Kurt said.

“Really? I don’t get the name,” Finn said.

“Seriously? Those are your football numbers,” Kurt said, with a soft smile.

Finn just stared at the screen, not saying anything for a moment.

“Wow, you really didn’t know that?” Kurt asked.

“No, I never put it together,” Finn said. “Holy shit. Well, just… holy shit.”

Kurt just smiled, and said, “I’ll leave you alone to process that. If you want to talk, I’m just downstairs.”

“Thanks, little brother.”

 

Finn spent some time looking through the photos on the band’s site, and saved a few photos of Puck. He Googled Puck’s name, and found his mom’s obituary, and some band stuff, but nothing else. He decided to call Santana.

When she answered, he asked her what kind of digging she had done to find Puck, because he knew she would have done some.

“I know you have to know more about finding someone than I do, or at least learned more than I have about it. What have you found?”

“Oh Finn, I’ve tried everything. All the usual sites – Spokeo, shit like that, and I even joined Ancestry.com for awhile so I could see if a marriage or death certificate ever showed up for him. I got nothing.”

“I liked his band page today, and added Sarah as a friend, and sent her a message. I also posted on his page and sent her a message, too. I haven’t heard back.”

“Have they seen the messages?”

“How do I know?” Finn asked. 

She told him how to determine that, and he said, “Nope, both are unseen.”

“I’ve thought of hiring someone, like a private detective. I go back and forth on that, thinking if he wanted to be found, he’d let us find him, and then thinking that I don’t give a fuck because I don’t care why he’s hiding, and we need him as much as he needs us.”

“If I don’t hear back from him or Sarah in a few days, I’ll go in on that with you.”

“Finny, I’d do this as a gift for you both. If there were ever two people who belonged together, it’s you and Puck.”

“What?”

“Oh please, Finnocence. You two belong together, and don’t act like you don’t know it.”

“Tana, I just want to find him, and make sure he’s okay. Anything else is a bonus.”

“Love you, Finn.”

“Love you, too.”

 

Finn went downstairs to get something to eat, Bruce trailing behind him. As he was making a sandwich, standing in Carole’s recently renovated kitchen, inspiration hit. Shelby and Beth! If anyone knew where Puck was, it would be them. No matter what else was going on, Puck would be in contact with his daughter. 

Grabbing his food, he ran upstairs, and logged back on to Facebook. He searched for Shelby, and found her. He friend requested her, and sent her a message.

 

Finn Hudson → Shelby Corcoran

Hi Shelby, I don’t know if you remember me, but I graduated from McKinley with Rachel, Noah and Quinn. I dated Rachel for a long time, and was best friends with Noah. 

I’m writing you today because none of us have talked to Noah since his mom died four years ago, and we are very concerned. I just got out of the army, and have had a really hard time. I am spending some time in Lima while I recover and work through some things.

If you have a way to contact Noah, can you share that with me, or pass on my information to him? I don’t know what he’s going through, but I know I need him, and I suspect he needs me.

Thank you so much, 

Finn Hudson  
419-777-1234  
finn.c.hudsonarmy@gmail.com

 

He hit send, and ate his sandwich, then went back downstairs to visit with Kurt and Blaine, and get to know his nieces.

*******

Five days passed. Rachel came over again, unannounced and uninvited. When Finn opened the door and saw her on the doorstep, he sighed.

“Rachel, what’s going on? Kurt is with Blaine…”

“I know. That’s why I came over. I knew you’d be alone, and we really need to talk. I know you’ve been through a really hard time, but I can help you. I want to help you work through it.”

“Rachel, honestly, I have therapists for that. I’m not ready to go into this. Please respect that.”

Bruce padded over to Finn, and sat at his feet. Finn patted his pocket, looking for his phone, and remembered it was in the kitchen, charging. Fuck. He walked to the kitchen, picked up his phone, and sent a text. Bruce followed closely behind Finn, and sat at his feet when Finn stood still.

“Finn, please move your dog. He doesn’t like me, and who are you texting?” Rachel said stridently as she followed him into the kitchen.

“Rachel, he’s my service dog. I don’t just ‘move’ him. He’s here to help me. He’s sensing me getting overloaded, so that’s why he’s here, and who I text is none of your business.”

“Really, Finn, must you be so rude? I’m only here to help you,” Rachel said.

“Rachel, I don’t want or need your help. I can’t talk about this with you. Now if you will excuse me, I have things to do.” Finn started to make his way to the door, but Rachel grabbed his arm. Finn froze.

“Finn, maybe if you just talked it out, you wouldn’t be so upset. What you went through must have been harrowing. Seeing combat, seeing your fellow soldiers die must have been traumatizing. Knowing you were too injured to get to them, to help them, and couldn’t save them… well, I can’t imagine how devastating that must be. And you lost your friend. Oh, Finn, just let me help you.”

“Andy. I lost Andy,” Finn mumbled. His eyes were glazed over now, he was starting to sweat, and Bruce was licking Finn’s hand.

“You just let him lick your hand that way? Think of the germs, Finn. He shouldn’t do that,” Rachel said, but Finn was beyond hearing her. Rachel moved to stop Bruce from licking Finn’s hand, and Bruce growled at her.

“Finn! Stop your dog from doing that!” Her eyes were wide, and she flipped her hair as she raised her hands in question. “I don’t know what’s happening here. I came here to help you process an obviously traumatic event, in a way that only I could, as someone who knows you intimately, probably better than most others do. Instead, you ask me to leave, and you aren’t even listening to me, and this mongrel beast is growling at me. Finn? FINN! Listen to me, Finn!”

 

At that moment, the door opened, and Santana and Brittany came in. Britt went right to Finn, and Tana grabbed Rachel, and took her outside. 

“Santana? What are you doing here? Take your hands off me this instant! Why are you taking me outside? I need to help Finn. He was starting to talk about Andy!” Rachel exclaimed loudly.

“What the fuck? You brought up Andy? Are you a trained professional, Rachel? No. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why did you bring that up?”

“We haven’t talked at all, and we used to talk all the time. He can tell me anything,” Rachel whined.

“Rachel, you and Finn talked all the time ten years ago! Ten years! You’ve been married and divorced since. He’s been to war – actual war. Things have changed, and I can’t fucking believe you brought Andy up. He hasn’t even been able to talk to his mother about it yet, and you think he’ll be able to talk to you about it?” Santana’s face was burning with anger as she stood in the driveway yelling at Rachel.

“I know he went through hell, Santana, but you don’t have to tell me how bad it was. I know he watched his best friend die…”

“Boyfriend,” Santana said automatically, then muttered, “Oh fuck.” 

“Boyfriend? What? No, Finn’s not gay, Santana.”

Kurt and Blaine pulled up just then, jumped out of their car, and ran to Rachel and Santana.

“Did he text you, too?” Santana asked.

“Yes, is he okay?” Kurt asked.

“He’s inside with Britt. He looked like he was having an episode, but if anyone can calm him, it’s Britt. Rachel here brought up Andy.”

Both Kurt and Blaine stared at Rachel.

“Oh Rachel, you didn’t,” Blaine said.

“Rachel, why would you do that? That’s the one topic we were all told to not bring up, and you knew that,” Kurt said.

“Well, Finn and I used to be able to talk about everything…”

“Ten years, Rachel. Ten years,” Santana snapped.

“Yes, I know, Santana, but I thought I might help him have a breakthrough,” Rachel said haughtily.

“You’re delusional,” Kurt hissed. “Do you know what damage you could have done? I’m going to check on Finn.”

“Kurt, is it true? Was Andy his boyfriend?” Rachel asked.

Santana said, “I’m so sorry, it slipped.”

Kurt shrugged. “It doesn’t matter now. Yes, Rachel, he was. Finn loved him, and he watched him die. Do you understand now why we don’t talk about it?”

“But I could…” Rachel stammered.

“Oh fuck it. I’m going inside. Don’t let her in,” Kurt said.

“Not a fucking chance,” Santana said.

 

Kurt went inside and found Britt and Finn sitting on the kitchen floor, arms wrapped around each other. Bruce’s head was on Finn’s lap, and both Finn and Britt were crying.

Brittany looked up at the sound of Kurt coming in, and just shook her head. Kurt stopped in the hall, not making any noise, and just watched and listened to Finn empty his soul.

“Britt, I loved him. He’s dead. He was just lying there, and there was so much blood. I couldn’t get to him. I couldn’t move. Britt, I couldn’t save him,” he said between sobs.

“Finny, I know, I know. He knows that, too. He loved you, too, and knows that if you could have, you would have done everything to save him.” Britt rubbed Finn’s back while Kurt watched in amazement. Finn hadn’t said anything to anyone about what happened with Andy, and hadn’t let anyone touch him for more than a few seconds beyond the initial hugs he gave when he first got home, and now he practically had Brittany sitting in his lap as he told her the entire tragic story. 

“But how do you know he knew that? What if he was waiting for me to save him, and I never came?” Finn wailed.

“Finny, look at me,” Britt said, and she took his face in her hands. “Do you know that he would have done that for you if he could have?’’

“Yes, we loved each other, but…”

“No, no buts. You loved each other, and you both were sure of the love. Love knows that the other comes when he can. He knew that if you could have, you’d have been there. Finny, because he loved you, he wouldn’t want you living with this guilt. He’d want you to be a happy dolphin, swimming freely in the happy ocean.”

“You’re right, Britt. Thank you. I love you.” Finn hugged her.

“I love you, too, Finny. Please be happy. He’d have wanted that for you,” Britt said.

“I’m working on it, I promise.” At that, Finn looked up and saw Kurt. He struggled to his feet, and walked to Kurt and hugged him, too, for several long moments. 

“Thank you for coming. Is Rachel gone?”

“I’d be surprised if she isn’t. Santana was on a roll with her outside. I’ll check,” Kurt said as he walked towards the window. “Oh and Santana let it slip that Andy was your boyfriend, not your friend. Rachel knows.”

“Good. Maybe she’ll leave me alone now. I should have told her a long time ago, I guess.”

“Coast is clear,” Kurt said, and opened the door. “Can Tana and Blaine come in?”

“Sure.”

Finn hugged Tana, who apologized for telling Rachel about Andy. Finn told her to stop, and thanked her for doing it. 

“And really, Tana, it’s only fair,” Finn smirked. “I outed you by accident years ago, and now you did it to me. Call it even?”

“Even!” She gave him a high five and then a hug, while they both laughed.

 

They decided to watch a movie, and while they were setting it up on Netflix, Finn ran upstairs to get Bruce’s treats. He grabbed his iPad, too, to check for any messages from or about Puck, and went back downstairs.

They all got settled in the family room, and Finn gave Bruce his treats. Finn sat in the recliner, while the others sat on the big couches, and just as the credits and opening song started, he opened Facebook.

He noticed that he had a message, and tapped to open his messenger app, and his heart raced. It was from Shelby.

 

Shelby Corcoran → Finn Hudson

 

Hi Finn, 

Of course, I remember you, and it’s so good to hear from you. Rachel told me that you have been through a very hard time, and I’m sorry to hear it. I hope that you are doing better now, and I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

Beth and I have heard from and seen Noah recently, but I wasn’t aware he had cut off contact with everyone else. Many years ago, he asked me to not tell Quinn or Rachel where he was, but I assumed they’d had a falling out, and didn’t delve any further. I never thought he’d stopped contacting everyone. For a long time, he contacted us only sporadically, but now we see him regularly.

He’s also been through a rough time, but I don’t feel it’s my place to share those details with you. I’m sorry for that, and hope you’ll understand. 

Noah lives here, in New York City. He just moved here about six months ago. I don’t know how he’ll feel about this, but I think you should come see him, if you are able to travel. I’ll help you in any way I can, since I think this will be beneficial for you both. For now, I’m not telling him that I’ve had contact with you. 

Please let me know if you are able to travel, and if you are, when you can come. 

Thank you so much for trusting me enough to reach out to me. 

Shelby

 

“Fuck. Oh my god.”

“Finn? What’s wrong?” Kurt asked.

“I found him,” Finn whispered.

“What? You found who?” Kurt asked.

Santana sat straight up, and said, “Holy shit, Finn. You found Puck?”

Finn looked at her, with tears in his eyes, and handed her his iPad so she could read the message from Shelby. The others read it over her shoulder.

“Oh my god, Finn. Shelby. I never thought of her, and I don’t know why,” Santana said through her tears.

“So when are you going?” Blaine asked, smiling softly.

“When do you all fly back?” Finn asked. “Maybe I can fly there with all of you. Can I stay with either of you? Can either of you have dogs?”

“We are all flying back on Sunday, in three days. Stay with us, Finn,” Britt said. “We have the spare bedroom, and can have dogs. You can stay as long as you want.”

“I hate to say it, but Britt has a point. We don’t have a spare room,” Kurt said, as he pulled out his phone, and started doing something on it. “I’m so sorry, Finn.”

“Kurt, it’s fine, really,” Finn said.

“Yeah, and we live three blocks away from each other,” Blaine said. “We see each other all the time, so it’s not like we won’t see him while he’s there.”

“Tana, it’s okay with you if I stay there?” Finn asked. “I have to have Bruce with me.”

“Of course it is, and Bruce is the best. If he likes me, and doesn’t like Rachel, he’s welcome in our house any day,” she laughed.

“Are we telling anyone else?” Britt asked.

“No, I don’t think so, except Sam. He’s going to know I’m gone, and we can trust him,” Finn said.

“Agreed,” Santana said. “As for the others, let’s wait and see what happens.”

“Finn, you have a ticket for our flight,” Kurt said. “I just booked it. Let Shelby know.”

“How much do I owe you?” Finn asked.

“It’s our gift, to both of you. We just want you both happy,” Kurt said, and Blaine nodded. 

Finn thanked them with hugs, then messaged Shelby and let her know his travel plans. Together, they developed an idea to get Puck in the same room with Finn. 

Finn was going to see Puck again.

*******

Puck got on the subway to go home to Brooklyn after a bad day in the recording studio. Not many people knew it, but he was going solo after his band decided to go their separate ways. They’d had a lot of success – enough to financially sustain him for a long while - and he was happy for that, but he’d needed to be on his own, and his band understood. After seven years together, they were all ready to explore new opportunities.

He’d stayed in LA for a while, wanting to avoid Kurt, Blaine, Santana and the other McKinley crew living in New York, but ultimately, the call of living near Beth and Shelby won, and he moved. So far, in the past six months, he hadn’t run into anyone he knew from Lima.

He missed them, of course. Not talking to Santana had been really hard, especially at first, since she had always been his girl. 

Not having Finn in his life? He may as well have been missing a limb.

He knew some things about them, though. He’d seen on Facebook that Rachel had gotten divorced, to the surprise of no one, he was sure. Kurt and Blaine had beautiful twin girls, and continued to have wonderful success on Broadway. Blaine was working on the music for a show in development, and Kurt’s most recent show had ended less than a month ago, and he was taking time off. Sam and Katie had another kid. 

But a little over a year ago, Finn had deactivated his Facebook account, and no one was talking about him. He knew from the Lima News online version that Finn had been awarded the Purple Heart after being wounded in an attack in which some of the members of his unit were killed. He knew Finn was alive, but that was it. He didn’t know how badly he’d been hurt, or how he was doing since.

Yeah, he probably was an asshole, but he had his reasons. He didn’t deserve Finn. Not now, anyway. Maybe not ever.

He walked into his small apartment, tossed his keys in the bowl on the table by the door, and placed his bag next to it. Not for the first time that day, he thought of how good a cold beer would taste, but instead, got a glass and poured some water from the filtered pitcher in the fridge. He often wondered if he could drink a beer without wanting more, but he wasn’t going to test that.

He was doing better now. He had 242 sober and drug-free days, and he’d even felt steady on some of those days. 

He heated up some leftover pasta, and made a salad. Part of his recovery included taking care of himself, so he tried to eat better. 

He sat down at his small, lonely table, and while he ate, checked Facebook. He hadn’t been on in a few days, not that he ever posted.

He almost choked on his lettuce. Finn was back on Facebook, and had posted on his page and sent him a message. He was back in Lima. What the hell? And fuck, he wanted to talk to him. But yeah, not gonna happen. 

Puck cleaned his kitchen quickly, and left his apartment to go to the Narcotics Anonymous meeting at the church just down the street. If he didn’t go, he knew he’d use.

 

As he walked into the building, he saw his sponsor, Joe. Joe, who was in his late 30s, burly, and had lived in Brooklyn his entire life, saw Puck and knew immediately something was wrong.

“What’s up? What happened?” Joe asked him, taking him by the right arm – never the left - and leading him to a couple of chairs off to the side.

“Finn. He’s back on Facebook, and sent me a message. He’s back in Lima and wants to talk to me.”

“How do you feel about that?” Joe asked.

“You know how I feel. I can’t see him,” Puck said.

“I’m not sure I understand that. From everything you’ve told me, Finn has gone through some really tough things, too. He was your best friend. If he was everything you say he was, he’ll be another support for you, not someone who will judge you.”

“He’s a fucking war hero, Joe. What am I? Some mediocre rocker junkie.”

“Okay, when is your next therapy appointment?”

“Tomorrow, why?”

“You need to talk about this with her. You are not the things you’ve done, Puck. You are not just a junkie. Finn is more than a war hero, and you are more than an addict. The meeting is starting, so let’s go.”

 

Puck went to his therapy appointment the following day. As Joe suggested, Puck brought up Finn and his messages, and how he felt about talking to him.

“Joe’s right, you know. You are more than an addict, and Finn is more than a war hero. What is it that is making you define you both in such narrow terms?” Susan, his therapist, leaned back in her chair, and sipped her tea while she waited for Puck to answer.

“Well, he was always the good guy, doing the right thing. I was always ‘Puck the badass’, and maybe I was cool, but I ended up doing a lot of dumb things.”

“Haven’t you done anything well? I’m sure you have.”

“Well, I have Beth, but even that started as a mistake. I had my band, but of course, we ended up breaking up,” Puck said. Damn, if he wasn’t careful, he might actually start pouting, he thought.

“Come on, Puck. Even I know more than that,” Susan said. He liked Susan because she was no bullshit, but sometimes her no bullshit ways were annoying, like now, when she called him out on his own. He knew he needed that, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t annoying as fuck.

“You know what? Sometimes I hate ‘Puck’. He’s done a lot of dumb shit.”

“So be Noah,” she said easily, “but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to deal with these things. Okay, think of your favorite singers, your favorite athletes, or even your favorite politicians. Have they ever messed up? Ever used drugs? Ever cheated on their spouses?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Why?”

“So they are still your favorites. You still respect them. If you still respect them after they’ve made mistakes, why can’t you respect yourself after making mistakes? Why are you different, Noah?”

“I don’t know.”

“Think about it.”

“Should I talk to Finn?”

“I can’t make that decision for you, but if he is everything you’ve said he is, and you think it will help, then yes. There’s no rush, though. Your sobriety always comes first.”

 

He went to a meeting that night, and to the studio the following day. He wanted to see Beth, so he called Shelby to see if they’d be home, and made plans for later.

He let himself in to her apartment at 6pm on the dot. He was still surprised she trusted him with a key, but she’d given him one of her looks, and said, “It’s okay, Noah, I know you’d never steal from your daughter, and stealing from me means you’re stealing from your daughter.”

He knew his sobriety was one day at a time, but he also knew that he’d rather die on the street than harm his daughter or disappoint Shelby. He wasn’t naive, though. He knew addicts who’d stolen from their kids, or took things from their kids. It was one of the things he used as motivation to not use. He wasn’t going to be like his own asshole father.

He called out, “Hey, I’m here!”

“Dad!” Beth came running from the kitchen and hugged him. He felt his left shoulder wrench when he picked her up to hug her, but he ignored it, as he always did when Beth did this. The feeling of Beth running to him and hugging him was another motivation he used to stay sober. It really was just the most awesome thing, and if his shoulder hurt, fuck it.

“Hey kiddo, how was school?”

“Good, but stop calling me kiddo! I’m almost 12 years old! Alicia and I are getting the solos in chorus, and the concert is in three weeks. Are you coming?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Awesome! I’m going to go do homework until dinner is ready, okay Mom?”

“Sure, sweetie. About 20 minutes, okay?” Shelby said as Beth scampered off.

“That part has to come from Quinn. I never did homework willingly,” Puck said.

“Noah, you did fine. You graduated, right?” Shelby asked.

“Yeah, barely. Just like everything else – barely.”

“What’s this? Why are you so down on yourself?” Shelby frowned.

“Finn’s back.”

“Back from where?”

“Back in my life,” Puck mumbled.

“Oh, I didn’t know he left.”

“I left. I left everyone.”

“What? Why?” Shelby stopped stirring the meat for tacos and looked shocked.

“When Mom died, and I found the letters and started using, I just cut off all contact. They were all so successful, and what was I? I was just a mediocre rock star using drugs. I would never embarrass any of them like that, especially Finn. Finn had just been promoted, and why would I do that to him?”

“Noah, did it occur to you that they wouldn’t think those things of you? That they wouldn’t define you as a ‘mediocre rock star drug user’? You are so much more than anything you’ve done.”

“You know, you’re the third person in the past few days to say that to me,” Puck said.

“Maybe you should listen then.”

“Yeah, guess I should. I’m thinking of starting to go by Noah. I’m tired of being ‘Puck’ and doing dumb things.”

“Noah, you can be whatever you want, and call yourself whatever you want. You can go by ‘Puck’ and make good choices, you know. You’re capable. You know, you’ve let Beth and I in more than most anyone, and we love you. Why wouldn’t anyone else?” She gave him a hug and went to call Beth for dinner.

They had a nice meal, and talked about Beth’s upcoming concert, and Puck’s new album.

After dinner, as Shelby and Puck cleaned up the kitchen, she asked him if he was going to see Finn.

“I want to, Shelby. I really do, but I’m so scared. What if he hates me?”

“Finn could never hate you. You belong together.”

“He’s straight, Shelby.”

“I don’t care. You belong together.”

“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”

“You trust me, right? Trust me on this one,” Shelby said.

 

Later that night, Shelby logged onto Facebook, and saw Finn’s message. She responded, and hoped that Finn could travel. If ever two people needed each other, it was these two lost boys.

The following night, she logged onto Facebook again, and saw Finn’s response. He’d be coming in on Sunday, and would be staying with Brittany and Santana. He was open to her help, but whatever they did, he had to have his service dog with him. 

Service dog, Shelby thought. Finn didn’t say what it was for, but whatever it was, it wasn’t good. Her heart broke for Finn.

She responded immediately.

 

Shelby Corcoran → Finn Hudson

Hi Finn,

I’m so happy to hear that you’re well enough to travel, and that you can come so soon. 

My idea is to have you and Noah over to my apartment, maybe on Monday, and I’ll leave you alone to talk. Your dog is welcome, but at this point, I’d suggest that it be only you and Noah. I’m not sure he’s ready for anyone else, or at least seeing everyone at once. 

I won’t be telling him that you’re here, so he will be shocked, if not angry. I’m okay with that. He’s strong enough to deal with his feelings now. I hope you are, too.

Shelby

*******

In Lima, Finn had told his mom that he would be leaving for New York, and though she was sad that he was leaving again so soon, she understood and supported the decision.

 

On Friday night, they were watching TV when Finn’s iPad dinged. He picked it up and noticed the message from Shelby on his messenger app. He read it to Carole.

“Mom, what if he gets angry? What if I have an episode?”

“Well, that could happen anywhere, right? With Puck, at least you know he’d do what he could to help you through it.”

“Yeah, but how embarrassing. It’s so weak.”

“Honestly, I don’t know what is wrong with you two,” Carole sighed, shaking her head. “You love each other. He’d never think you were weak, and you are more than just PTSD, sweetie. You are more than just this one thing.”

“You know, Brittany said something similar the other day, though not nearly as concise.”

“You should listen then.”

“I guess I’ll write Shelby back, and let her know I’ll do it.” Finn was scared, but he knew he had to reconnect with Puck, no matter what.

 

Finn Hudson → Shelby Corcoran

 

Hi Shelby, thanks for helping with this. I’ll be there on Monday, and thanks for letting my dog come, too. 

Just text me your address, and I’ll be there. 

Thanks again. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. I haven’t told Rachel or Quinn. A few others know, but not them, just in case you talk to either one.

Finn

 

Fuck. In three days, he was going to see Puck again for the first time in four years. 

“Kurt! Blaine! I need your help!”

Kurt and Blaine came running in, with worried faces. 

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Kurt asked.

“No, I’m seeing Puck again on Monday. What do I wear?”

Blaine laughed while Kurt groaned. 

“Next time you are panicking about clothing, Finn, please just text or call, or ask in a normal tone of voice. We are happy to help, but you scared us.”

“Oh, sorry Kurt,” Finn said and tried to look contrite. “So. What do I wear?”

After going through Finn’s closet, and deeming it ‘impossible to work with’, Kurt offered to go shopping for Finn the next day. “You need new jeans, new sweaters, new shoes. Finn, when was the last time you went shopping?”

“Um, maybe a couple of years ago? I wore uniforms most of the time, and there isn’t a big concern for fashion in the desert.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll take care of it,” Kurt said.

“Thanks, that’s really cool of you.”

 

Finn saw Sam, his wife Katie and their kids on Saturday for a little while, and promised to let Puck know that Sam missed him, too. 

“Are you ready for this, man? It’s been a long time,” Sam said.

“Yeah, it has, and I know it could go really wrong, but I’m not ready to spend any more time not knowing what happened to him, and not knowing if he’s okay. I have to see him.”

“Call me and let me know what happens, okay? And call me if you need to talk, any time. I’m here for you, man,” Sam said.

“I’ll call, and thanks. I really appreciate it.”

 

On Sunday, they had to take two cars to the airport. Kurt, Blaine and the babies, along with all their gear, took up one car. Finn and Bruce rode with Santana and Britt. They dropped off their rental cars and got a shuttle to the terminal.

Finn couldn’t help but laugh at Kurt and Blaine. They’d been in Lima for just over a week, but they looked like they were moving across the country since they had so much stuff. They checked their bags, and made their way through security. 

Kurt was trying to get Sophie to stand still long enough so that he could place their bags on the counter, and Sophie wanted to run, while Lizzie was crying because Blaine wouldn’t let her “ride” on the bag scanner conveyor belt. The TSA employee was giving Kurt a look, and Finn started laughing.

Kurt looked up, and noticed Finn, and said, “Oh be quiet. I think even your dog is laughing at me.”

“Kurt, your hair is messed up,” Britt said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen it messed up.”

“Traveling with toddlers is not for the weak,” Kurt snipped.

“We offered to help back at the rental car place,” Tana said. “You said you had it perfectly under control.”

“They were so easy when we flew out here. They tricked us,” Blaine laughed. “Please, whatever you want to do to help, feel free.” 

Everyone grabbed some bags, and they made their way to the gate area. Thankfully, the flight was on time, and they boarded a short time after.

The flight was smooth, and Finn and Bruce slept through most of it. After they landed, and got their bags, Finn hugged Kurt, Blaine and the twins, and said he’d talk to them later.

 

Britt, Tana, Finn and Bruce took a cab to Britt and Tana’s apartment. The cab driver looked at Bruce, and then at Finn, and said, “Military?”

“Yeah, he’s my service dog,” Finn said.

“PTSD?” the cabbie asked.

“Yeah,” Finn replied quietly.

“Ride’s on me. My brother was in the army, and had PTSD. Killed himself six months ago. You getting help?”

“Yes.”

“Good. He wouldn’t. Thank you for your service, man,” he said, and shook Finn’s hand.

“Thanks, and I’m sorry for your loss,” Finn said, and he got in the back of the cab with Britt. Britt grabbed his arm, and held on for the rest of the ride. Santana was in the front with tears in her eyes. The cab driver’s story about his brother was a grim reminder that things could have been very different for Finn, and that they still could be.

They were quiet the rest of the trip. When they arrived, Finn got out first, and hugged the cab driver. 

“Thanks again, and I’m sorry about your brother.”

“Keep getting your help, okay?” The driver looked right into Finn’s eyes as he said it.

“I will.”

“We’ll make sure of it,” Britt said, as she hugged him, too, with tears in her eyes.

Santana could only hug him wordlessly, and then they went into their building.

 

They showed Finn his room, set up Bruce’s food and water dishes, and discussed what to do for dinner.

“Can we order in? I’m about at my limit for the day. Is that okay?” Finn asked.

“Sure, I’m exhausted, and sure as hell don’t feel like going back out,” Tana said.

“Me either. Thai food okay?” Britt asked.

They agreed on Thai, and Tana placed the order while Finn messaged Shelby to let her know he had arrived. The plan was to meet at her apartment the following day at 5:30, and she had invited Puck at six. It was an ambush for Puck, and risky, but Shelby didn’t think it would happen any other way.

“So are you ready for tomorrow, Finn? Are you nervous?” Britt asked.

“Yeah. What if he storms out? What if he hates me? What if the reason he left was something I did, and he’d rather see any of you than me?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Tana said. “Whatever happened has to do with him, not you, and not any of us. It has to be. And if he hits you, hit him back.” She smirked, but she knew that Finn was scared. This was a big risk for him, for all of them.

Puck could get angry and walk out, out of all their lives, permanently this time.

They ate dinner, watched some TV, and went to bed.

*******

The following day, both Tana and Britt had to work. Tana was a publicist, and worked for Kurt, Blaine, Rachel, Jesse and a few other well-known Broadway stars. Britt taught dance at a prestigious school, and sometimes did some professional work herself.

Tana had left him a key, and a note that told Finn he could come and go as he pleased, and if they didn’t see him, good luck, and if he could talk Puck into it, they’d love to see him, too.

Finn texted Kurt, and went over to his place for lunch, and played with his nieces for a while. As the hours passed, he got more nervous, and really scared.

“What am I gonna do if he walks out, Kurt?” Finn asked, as he and Kurt sat on the floor of the living room, while the girls played around and with them. The room was elegantly done, in muted eggshell and purple, but also had a lot of little girl toys strewn around it.

“Well, you can go after him, or let him walk out. What does each mean for you?”

“I can’t let him just walk out. I can’t not see him again for four years, or forever. I just can’t.”

“Then that’s your answer. You fight for him. None of us know what is going to happen, because we don’t know what Puck has been through, but all you can do is try. If anyone can get through to him, it’s you.”

“Fuck, I hope so.”

“FUCK!” Sophie said, as she ran passed Finn in the living room. 

Kurt sighed and rolled his eyes. “She won’t say Lizzie’s name, no matter how many times we repeat it, but she’ll say ‘fuck’. Fantastic.”

“FUCK LIZZIE!” Sophie screeched happily, and clapped her hands for her achievement.

Finn was laughing as Blaine walked in from the kitchen. “Uh, Kurt?”

“Finn got her to say her sister’s name!”

“I’m not going to ask,” Blaine mumbled.

“Good idea,” Kurt said, as Blaine walked back into the kitchen.

 

Finn and Bruce left a little while later, with Finn promising to let Kurt and Blaine know how it went with Puck. He went back to Santana and Britt’s, changed his clothes, wearing what Kurt had bought him; had a snack, and got a cab and arrived at Shelby’s just at 5:30.

Shelby let him in, and gave him a long hug. 

“Hi Finn. It’s so good to see you. I won’t pretend that I don’t know what happened. Rachel told me about Andy, and I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Damn. He wondered when it would get easier hearing that. Both Burt and Carole said it would, but it hadn’t yet.

“Thanks, Shelby, and thanks for doing this. How is Puck?”

“He’s okay. He doesn’t know any of this is happening, and thinks he’s just coming for dinner. Beth is at a friend’s house, and won’t be home until later.”

“How do you think he’ll react to me being here? I’m scared to death,” Finn admitted.

“Honestly, I think he’ll be as scared as you. I just hope he doesn’t run out of fear. Finn, if he runs, it’s because he’s scared, that’s all. It’s not because he’s mad at you, or doesn’t love you.”

“How do you know that?”

“I know that,” Shelby said emphatically. “If I thought for one moment that it was anything but fear, I wouldn’t do this. If I thought he was angry with you, or just didn’t care to be your friend any longer, this wouldn’t be happening. He’s afraid. He has his own secrets, Finn. Just promise me you’ll listen with an open heart.”

“Of course I will. I just want him back in my life.”

“Oh you two,” Shelby said. “So much love and you don’t even know it yet.” She smiled and shook her head. “I’m going to stay here until I know for sure he won’t leave. Once I know he won’t, I’ll leave you two alone, okay?” Shelby said.

“Yeah, thanks.”

They heard a key in the door, and Finn sat up straight. “He has a key? That’s him?”

“Yes, that’s him. You ready?”

“Guess I have to be.”

 

Finn heard Puck’s voice for the first time in four years when he called out, “Hey I’m here!” and tears filled his eyes. 

Shelby called back, “In the living room!”

“Where’s Beth? She didn’t come meet…” Puck stopped as he saw Finn sitting on the couch. “What the hell?” It wasn’t said angrily, but tense enough that Bruce went and sat at Finn’s feet.

“Hey, Puck. God, it’s good to see you.”

 

“Seriously, what the hell, Shelby? Finn?” Puck said. Finn couldn’t tell if Puck was angry or just shocked.

“Finn contacted me on Facebook, Noah, and he needed to see you. He’s been through just as much as you have, and needs you as much as you need him. Can you just sit and talk with him?”

“Please, Puck?” Finn asked. It was a quiet question, but it went straight to Puck’s heart.

“Fuck.” Puck’s first instinct was to run out of there, but the need to reconnect with Finn was too great. He went to Finn and pulled him to his feet, and hugged him. Both men cried as they held each other, but were wordless. Bruce sensed Finn’s emotions, and leaned up against Finn, and against Puck.

Shelby observed for a moment, then left the room silently. She wanted to stay for a little while to make sure Puck didn’t leave, but she didn’t need to hear everything.

Finn and Puck broke apart, and sat on the couch, and wiped their eyes. Finn studied Puck. He looked older, and his eyes were sad, but the rest was just the same. His head was shaved, and he wore a black winter jacket, and combat boots with his jeans. God, he looked hot. He looked sad, but fuck, so hot.

“What’s your dog’s name?” Puck asked. He saw Bruce’s vest, of course, but didn’t ask questions about that. He didn’t think he had a right to know about that, not after disappearing from Finn’s life as he had.

“Bruce.” 

“As in Springsteen?”

Finn’s eyes filled with tears again. “Yes! Yes, and I knew if I ever saw you again, you’d know it right off. I didn’t name him, but the person that did named him for Springsteen, and when we were matched, it was one of the reasons I knew Bruce was my dog. It made me feel like you were a part of it, too.”

“When you were matched?” Puck asked.

“He’s my service dog. I have PTSD, and he helps me,” Finn admitted, watching Puck’s face for his reaction, but all he saw was shame.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, Finn. I should have been there. I read about you getting wounded. I should have been there.”

“I’d have still had PTSD, dude. It was… Well, it was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, the worst thing I’ve ever been through. But, yeah, why weren’t you there?” He asked it gently, not angrily or with any accusation.

“I don’t even know where to start. First, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Nothing I’m going to tell you excuses me not being there for you when you were hurt, or after.”

“I’m not looking for excuses or apologies. Just help me understand. Just tell me your story, Puck.”

“Noah. I think I’m Noah now,” Noah said.

“Okay. Noah? I missed you like crazy, and I won’t judge you, okay?”

“Fuck.” Noah’s eyes filled with tears, and he grabbed Finn in a hug again. “Thank you so much, man. I don’t deserve it.”

“Enough with that, and just tell me your story,” Finn said.

Noah moved apart from Finn now. He couldn’t tell this story while wrapped in Finn’s arms. He sat against the back of the couch and sighed. 

“So when Mom died, Sarah and I went through her papers at the house, right? Well, we found letters, a big stack of them, between my mom and my asshole of a father.” Noah had to stop, and collect himself. He took a deep breath, and said, “Damn, this part is when I always want a beer.”

“I can see if Shelby has any,” Finn said.

“No. She doesn’t, and she won’t. I have 252 days sober and drug-free,” Noah said.

“Wow, that’s amazing. Good for you!” 

“You don’t think I’m just a weak junkie?” Noah asked.

“What the fuck? When have I ever thought you were weak? And you have 252 clean days. I know how hard getting through tough days is, and you’re doing it. You’re probably stronger than I am. You may think you’re weak, but you’re wrong, and don’t put that shit on me.”

Noah was so relieved that he laughed. “Yeah, okay, got it. Thanks, man.”

“Whatever. So tell me the rest, if you want.”

“Right. So we found these letters between my mom and my father. They were writing back and forth for years, the whole time we thought my father wasn’t in touch with us. The first time he left, when Sarah was a baby, you know why he left? He beat another woman so badly she ended up in the hospital, and he went to jail. My mother wrote him. She wrote him, Finn. She said she missed him! Can you believe that shit?”

“Noah, that sucks.”

“It gets worse. He got out, and she begged him to come back. He said he didn’t want to raise ‘any brats’, even if they were his. She tried to talk him into it. That went on for a long time – over a year. You and I were in middle school, Sarah was in elementary school. He wouldn’t budge.” Noah paused, and gathered his thoughts. 

“Remember the time I stayed with you for a few weeks while my mom was taking care of my nana when we were in like seventh grade?”

“Yeah, of course I do,” Finn said.

“She left us. She went with him. She made arrangements with your mom for me to stay for a few days, and one of Sarah’s friend’s moms, and she was just going to leave us. The only reason she came back was because he beat her up and left her. She had no place else to go, so she came back.”

“Noah…” Finn reached out and grabbed his hand, just held it. 

“She didn’t want us. The letters were full of horrible things about us. Her whole life was about begging him to come get her, and she’d get rid of us. If I’d known, I’d never have left Sarah with her. She was awful to Sarah after I left, and it’s my fault for leaving her alone.”

“Noah, you couldn’t have known. You just said that you didn’t know. How is Sarah now?”

“She’s amazing. She’s one of the few I’ve kept in contact with. She went to college and got therapy. She’s studying to be a nurse now, and has a really cool boyfriend. I left Lima and got hooked on pills instead.”

“Why is everything you do so bad in your head? You left a shitty situation, and became a musician. You were successful, and then your mom died. You got punched in the gut, so to speak. The woman who you thought did the best she could with what she had wasn’t the woman you thought she was. That sucks, dude. Remember me finding out about my dad? I didn’t take it so well, and he wanted me. I wasn’t even on my own.”

“You didn’t become a junkie.”

“No, but I was a teenager, and had my mom right there. I had you, too. By the time you found this out, where was I? Ft. Hood? The Middle East?”

“It’s not your fault.”

“No, it’s not anyone’s fault but your parents’, man. They suck, but don’t take their shit as your own.” Finn realized he was still holding Noah’s hand, but didn’t want to let it go.

Noah broke. He just broke, starting to cry. He leaned forward, holding his face in his free hand, and took some deep breaths before speaking again.

“No one wanted me. My own mother didn’t want me. Everyone was gone and living their own lives, and no one wanted me.” By the end of that statement, he was sobbing.

“Fuck.” Finn gathered Noah in his arms and held him while he cried. Bruce, though not trained to respond to Noah or anyone other than Finn, leaned against Noah and Finn’s legs. Finn let Noah cry it out for a time, and then said, “Can I get you something to drink? Some water?”

“Yeah, thanks. Shelby has some cold water in the fridge.”

“If I go to the kitchen, you promise you’ll still be here when I get back?”

Noah actually laughed. “Yeah. What, were you afraid I’d walk out when I saw you?”

“Yeah, actually, I was really afraid of that.”

“Not a chance. I’ll even show you where the glasses are.”

As they walked to the kitchen, Finn checked his phone, and saw messages from Kurt and Santana.

“Messages from your woman? Oh, and I guess Shelby left,” Puck said.

“Uh no, from Kurt and Santana, actually.”

“They know you’re with me? And do you have a woman?”

“Yes, I’m staying with Tana and Britt, and Kurt and Blaine know I’m here. They are the only ones that do, though, besides Sam. And uh, no, I’m single,” Finn said sadly.

“Why so sad about that?”

“Because I watched him die.”

Noah's eyes widened as the pronoun worked through his mind. “Oh fuck, I’m sorry.”

Noah took Finn’s hand and led him back to the couch in Shelby’s pretty living room, and they sat down.

“So tell me about him,” Noah said, without releasing Finn’s hand. He needed the connection now as much as he figured Finn did. Noah’s mind was screaming with the thought that Finn was gay or maybe bi. Whatever. Focus. He needed to focus. Finn watched his boyfriend die. That’s way more important. Focus, for fuck’s sake.

“Andy was another sergeant. We met at Ft. Hood, and then got deployed to the Middle East at the same time. We were both mechanics, and he was just one of those people everyone liked. He was tall and goofy, and played guitar, but god, he could not sing,” he laughed. “He was up there with Sugar Motta.”

“No, no one is that bad,” Noah laughed.

“He really was. I never understood it. He had a musical ear, but just couldn’t sing. Anyway, we fell in love, were together for over a year, even talked about getting married once we got back to the states.” Finn stopped, took a deep breath before continuing.

“Anyway, one day, we were on routine patrols, and we started getting hit by gunfire. Um, long story short, he was killed, and I was hit in the thigh and side. I couldn’t move. He was twenty feet from me, and I couldn’t get to him. He died and I couldn’t save him.”

It was Noah’s turn to gather Finn in a hug and hold him while he cried. Bruce put his head on Finn’s lap, but didn’t need to lick his hand. 

“Uh, Finn, your dog’s head is in my crotch,” Noah said.

Finn laughed through his tears. “Putting his head on my lap is one of his signals that I may be heading into an episode. Since you’re hugging me, your crotch is part of it.”

“Oh, well then, good dog?”

“Yeah, he’s a great dog,” Finn laughed.

“So Andy was your first guy love?”

“Oh. No. Actually, he wasn’t. Why? Tell me about your love life. Anyone special?” Finn didn’t want to go down this road, at least not right now. He’d figured out a long time ago that Noah was his first love, male or female.

“I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time, and they say that in the first year of recovery, you shouldn’t start a new one. My uh, partners are male, though, mostly.”

“You’re gay? When did that happen?” Finn was shocked.

“Bi, I guess, but romantically, I prefer men. It’s been since, well, forever.”

“Noah, are you blushing?” Finn laughed.

“Shut up, I am not,” Noah said, but he was laughing, too.

“So why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Noah countered.

“Because I was afraid you’d laugh in my face.”

“Why would I do that? I mean, you were my best friend.”

Finn took a deep breath, and decided Noah needed to know that all along, he’d been wanted, and he’d been loved.

“Because I wanted you. If I told you, I’d have told you I love you, and wanted to be your boyfriend, and I was scared you’d laugh and run.”

“You loved me? You wanted me?”

“Of course I did. I never stopped.”

“Oh.” Noah had to take a moment to take that in. Someone – Finn – had wanted him. Loved him. Finn, with all his goodness, chose to love him. Breathe, he told himself. 

“I know. It’s okay that you aren’t in love with me. I just wanted you to know that you’re loved, that you’ve always been loved and always been wanted.” Fuck, he’d gone too far, Finn thought. Noah wasn’t saying anything. Wait. Yes he was.

“Finn, I never said I didn’t love you,” Noah said.

“When did you love me?”

“I think from the first day I met you,” Noah said with a laugh. “I don’t know, sometime in high school, I figure. It hasn’t stopped for me either.”

“Wow.”

“I tried telling you in lots of different ways, but you probably missed it,” Noah said, blushing again.

“When?” Finn asked.

“Um, remember Whitney week? We sang ‘My Love is Your Love’ in the auditorium? When I came in, I sang that to you. ‘My love is your love’? Pointed to you and everything.” 

“Yeah, I remember that, but didn’t know you meant it that way. I meant it that way, though.”

“Yeah, I meant it that way, too. And remember all the times I asked if you were gay, or if you and Kurt were an item? I know I sounded like a homophobic asshole, but I was desperately hoping you’d say yes.”

“You wanted me to be with Kurt?” Finn laughed.

“Well, no,” he said as he rolled his eyes, “but at least then I’d known I’d have had a chance.” He paused, and looked thoughtful for a minute. “Finn, I can’t do a relationship right now. In recovery, they suggest that you don’t start a new relationship for a year, and I need to wait. I’m not past a year, and I know that sounds stupid, but I need to do this right.”

“Noah, it’s okay. We just found each other again. Can we just be friends at least?”

“Finn, of course, at least friends. The rest, we can take slowly, okay?”

“Of course. I’m still in therapy, and still live in Lima, at least temporarily.” Finn really wanted to kiss him, but decided it was too soon. “Um, can I kiss you, though?” So much for that.

“Fuck yes.”

Finn leaned forward, and touched Noah’s cheek with the back of his hand as his lips lowered to Noah’s. It was a sweet kiss, tentative, and full of hope.

“You’re good at that,” Noah said.

“So are you,” Finn laughed.

“Okay, I have to say this. This maroon sweater you’re wearing? I love it. You used to wear a maroon sweater in high school that made me so hot for you. This sweater reminds me a lot of that one. I even told Kurt about that sweater once.”

“Kurt picked this sweater out just for tonight. He must have remembered that.” Finn said, laughing.

“Of course he did,” Noah rolled his eyes. “So what now? How long are you in New York?”

“As long as I want to be, I guess. Kurt and Blaine bought me an open round trip ticket so I could come find you.”

“No shit?”

“Yeah, it was a gift for both of us, they said.”

“Wow, that’s really nice. Listen, it’s almost 8:30, and Shelby will be back with Beth soon. Wanna get out of here?”

“Yeah, I’d love to see Beth, but maybe another day. How do you feel about seeing Santana and Britt?”

“Actually, I’d love it, if you don’t think they’ll care if I show up.”

“Nope, they told me to bring you if I could.”

Finn texted Tana and Britt that he was bringing company, and told Tana that she needed to be nice. Britt texted back that she was really excited, and she’d make sure Tana was nice.

 

They got a cab, and about 15 minutes later, they got to the apartment, and as Finn went to unlock the door, Noah stopped him. 

“What is it?” Finn asked.

“Do they hate me?” Noah asked.

“Of course not. Santana looked for you just as much as I did. She would have found you sooner had she thought to ask Shelby. Everyone was just really concerned. Everyone loves you. No one hates you. No one, okay?”

“We can hear you talking out there!” Tana called from inside.

“So she hasn’t changed,” Noah laughed.

“Not a bit,” Finn said, and opened the door.

Britt ran up to Noah and jumped in his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. 

“Puck, ohmygod, it’s you! It’s really you! I always knew I’d see you again!” She gave him a loud kiss on his lips and on both cheeks. She let herself down, and looked in his eyes, and said, “Don’t do that again, okay? We were really worried about you!” Then she burst into tears.

“Oh Britt, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to cry, and I was a jerk. I won’t do it again, okay?”

“We love you, okay? If you need people, you have people.”

Noah felt like he hadn’t cried this much in his whole life, but his eyes filled with tears again. “Yeah, I guess I forgot that for awhile, but I promise I won’t again, Britt. I love you, too.”

He turned to Santana, who was standing next to Finn, her arms crossed. He knew she’d be tougher than Britt.

“Santana?”

“Where the hell have you been?” Tana asked. She sounded mad, but she was crying, too.

“I got lost, really lost.”

She looked at Finn. “Do you understand his story?”

“I do.”

“Did you forgive him?” 

“Tana, trust me. I did forgive him. It’s okay to let him back in. He’s been to hell, and he’s back from it. He needs us. He needs you. He needs your friendship again.”

“Oh fuck, Finn. You had to go there, didn’t you?”

She went to Noah and wrapped her arms around him and cried with him. After a minute, she pulled back, and looked at him, and said, “Don’t you ever do that again!”

“Tana, I swear, I won’t. I’m so sorry.”

“Hell yes, you’re sorry. I love you, you asshole. I missed you, and you scared me!”

She threw her arms around him again, and just held him. Even she could tell that whatever happened, he had been hurting, and he’d been hurting more than they ever had.

She stepped back, and said, “Okay, before I step in it, what do I need to know? Can I get a recap?”

“A recap?” Noah asked.

“Yes, a recap of what happened in the last 4 years, why you left us.”

“Oh uh, well…” Noah stammered.

“Can I give it?” Finn asked.

“Oh god, please do,” Noah laughed.

“Okay, first, he’s Noah now, not Puck. When his mom died, he found some letters between her and his dad, essentially saying that neither of his parents wanted him or Sarah, and his mom had tried to leave them. It was pretty brutal. He left after the funeral, thinking no one ever wanted him, that he wasn’t worth anything, got addicted to drugs, has been clean for 252 days, and here we are.”

“Oh Noah,” Britt said. “You are always wanted.” She gave him a hug, pulled him to the couch, and sat on his lap.

“Yes, you are, and don’t fucking forget it, okay?” Tana was tougher, but just as sincere.

“Yeah, I got it now.” Noah wondered how he ever doubted these people, his friends, but he was so glad Finn had looked for and found him.

“Have you texted Sam or Kurt? They’ve been worried,” Tana said to Finn.

“Oh crap. Can I tell them everything, Noah?” Finn asked.

“Yeah, I’m not hiding anymore.”

While Finn sent his text, Tana asked Noah if he was single.

“Yeah, I guess officially I am,” Noah said with a small smile.

“What does that mean?” Tana asked.

“It means he’s in love with Finn!” Britt said.

“God, I forgot how good you were at that,” Noah mumbled.

“She’s right? Well, he’s in love with you, too, so what’s the issue?” Tana demanded.

“In recovery, they say no new relationships for the first year, and Finn’s not really ready, either. It’s good, you two. We need to get to know each other again. We’ve already talked about it.”

“Wanky,” Tana said.

“Oh good lord, you still say that?” Noah asked.

“No, but I had to for this, just for you,” she said with a laugh.

“So tell me about everyone else. Tell me about Kurt and Blaine, and Rachel and Jesse, and Sam and Katie, and Mercedes, and everyone. Catch me up.”

Finn came back in, and said, “Sam wants you to call him, speaking of Sam. He said whenever you’re ready, and he’s happy you’re back.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

 

They spent some time filling Noah in on the rest of their friends, and Finn showed him some pictures he took of Sophie and Lizzie earlier, and told everyone the “Fuck Lizzie” story. 

“That’s hilarious,” Noah said. “Way to go, Uncle Finn. What’s up with Rachel and Jesse?”

“Oh you don’t know?” Tana asked. “Jesse cheated on her after he got tired of her drama. He sucks, and she’s annoying. They’re divorced.”

“I knew that they were divorced. I kind of kept up with you all on Facebook.”

“What? If I’d known that, I’d have been leaving you sweet notes on your page,” Britt said with a frown. “You wouldn’t have had to answer, but at least you’d have known you were loved.”

“Britt, I’m sorry. It’s my own fault for doubting you all. I just got in a dark place, and forgot you all were my family.”

“If the darkness comes back, find a way to tell us, okay?” Britt said. “We’ll help you to the light.”

“I will. I promise.”

“Okay, it’s late, and I have to get up tomorrow and make Rachel look good. Lord knows it’s hard work. I wanted to stop working with her, but she begged, so I raised my rates,” Santana said with a smirk. “Noah, you’re staying over?” she asked, but it was in her ‘don’t argue with me tone’, and Noah didn’t push his luck.

“Uh yeah, I guess I am,” he laughed.

“There are extra toothbrushes in the hall closet, and Finn can show you where the towels are, and I’ll leave it up to you boys where Noah is sleeping,” she said, deadpan. “Goodnight.”

Britt said goodnight and followed Tana into their room, and closed the door, leaving Finn and Noah in the living room.

“Look, I know this is awkward. I’ll sleep on the couch. It’s okay,” Noah said.

“Why do you always assume the worst? I’d love to sleep next to you, with you. I was hoping you’d like to as well,” Finn said.

“I don’t know why I do that. No, that’s not true. I do know why, and I’m working on it in therapy.”

“Good. Come on, I’ll show you where everything is.”

 

Finn led him down the hall, and got Noah a toothbrush and a towel, and let him use the bathroom first. When Noah was done, Finn used it, and then went back to the guest room.

Finn asked Noah if he wanted to borrow some shorts to sleep in, and tossed him a pair, along with a t-shirt, from his suitcase. “Whatever your comfortable in, it’s okay.”

Finn changed into a pair of flannel pajama pants, and heard Noah gasp. He looked up, and saw Noah staring.

“What’s wrong?”

“Your scars. I’m sorry, but I had no idea how bad you were hurt. Can I see them?” Noah asked.

“Oh, yeah I guess.” No one other than Carole had seen his scars, but Finn figured Noah was the best one to start with.

He lifted his shirt again, and Noah approached him. He reached out to touch it, then withdrew his hand. “You can touch it. It won’t hurt,” Finn said.

“I wouldn’t have thought a gunshot wound would be so big.”

“No, I was shot twice in that area, and it got infected, so I had a surgery after.” He turned a bit to show Noah his back. “I have scars here, too. One of the bullets went through me. I’m actually really lucky, though. It didn’t hit any organs.”

“Fuck, man. ‘Lucky’.”

“I really am. Want to see my thigh?”

“Yeah.”

Finn dropped his pants, and lifted his boxer briefs a bit, and showed Noah his left thigh. This scar was more jagged than the one on his side.

“Why is that one rougher looking?”

“We were in the field. They were trying to save my life. They cared less about pretty and more about speed.”

“Thank God for that.”

“Yeah, I agree.”

“Man, you were off fighting wars, and I was a junkie. My scars are from a knife fight with a dealer, and yours are from war.”

“A knife fight with a dealer?”

“Yeah, I got stabbed in my shoulder. The stabbing itself didn’t do too much, but during the fight, I tore the labrum, some tendons, and the rotator cuff. I had surgery on it, and got physical therapy. After I had the surgery, and healed a bit, I went right into rehab.”

“Can I see your scar?” Finn asked.

Noah lifted his shirt off, and Finn leaned in to inspect Noah’s shoulder. Finn had met a guy in PT who’d had shoulder surgery, and had almost invisible scars, but Noah’s was about 4 inches long, and angry. Finn kissed it.

“What? Why would you do that? It’s gross, Finn. It’s a reminder of what a fuck up I am.”

Finn pulled his journal out of his bag and said, “I want to read you something. ‘The bad things are just things. What we see is just what we see. It isn’t always real. Our scars, the ones on our skin or on our hearts, just mean we fought battles and won. Our yesterdays aren’t our tomorrows. None of it is who we are.’ Noah, your scars aren’t any less important than mine are. Your battle wasn’t any less fierce than mine.”

“Who told you that? I think I get it, and it seems profound, but…”

“Britt,” Finn said with a laugh.

“Crap. That means it’s really deep in there somewhere, and we have to really think about it,” Noah said.

“Yeah, exactly. When she said it to me, I figured I better write it down, because it might mean something later.”

“Good thinking.” 

“Ready to lie down?”

“Yeah, it’s been a hell of a day.”

“A good one, though.”

“One of the best.”

As Noah turned to walk to the bed, Finn stopped him. “What’s that on your hip?”

“What?” Noah looked down at his right hip where Finn was pointing. “Oh. Yeah, I got that a couple of years ago. Is it creepy?”

“Creepy? Not the word I’d use. It’s really, well, it’s awesome, and touching, I guess. Why’d you get it? Can I touch it?”

“Of course.” He stood still while Finn traced his ‘5’ tattoo. He shivered as Finn ran his finger around the number. “I got it because even though you weren’t with me, and I didn’t know if you’d ever be with me again, I’d always have you with me, sort of.” 

Finn just smiled at him, and blushed.

 

They got into the queen-sized bed, and lay awkwardly next to each other for a few minutes. Finally, Noah laughed.

“Oh my god, we suck. Come here.” He pulled Finn to him, and kissed him. After several minutes, and hands starting to roam, they both stopped at about the same time.

“So I really want you, but I think we need to stop,” Noah said.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, but Noah, please know it isn’t because I don’t want you.”

“No, I know you do. I could feel you wanting me on my thigh,” he laughed.

“Yeah? Well, you have hot thighs, and I could feel your want on my thigh,” Finn said with that crooked half-smile that had always melted Noah.

“Fuuuck, that smirk you just did. It makes me crazy.” He pulled Finn down for another kiss.

“Yeah? That’s awesome. I wish I’d known that. I’d have done it a lot more often,” he laughed. 

“Yeah, so I’m glad you didn’t.”

They snuggled in to get comfortable, and as they were falling asleep, Finn said, “Hey Noah?”

“Yeah?”

“Glad you’re back. Love you.”

“Glad I’m back, too. Love you.”

 

They woke the next morning, and found themselves wrapped up in each other, spoon-style. Finn couldn’t remember where he was or who he was with, and panicked.

He sat up, and looked around, and Bruce jumped on the bed. 

“What the fuck?” Finn said, as Bruce started licking his hand. Noah sat up, and noticed that Finn was sweating and his eyes had this far away, glazed over look. He took Finn’s other hand, and swallowed hard, wondering what the hell to do next.

“Finn? I’m here with you. What do you need me to do? Tell me what you need,” Noah said softly.

“Breathe,” Finn managed to say.

“Okay, let’s breathe together,” Noah said. He remembered a time in treatment when another patient had an anxiety attack, and he tried to do what the staff did then, and just prayed he didn’t fuck this up. He breathed loudly and slowly, and allowed Finn to follow his pattern.

After about a minute, Noah said softly, “You’re doing great, Finn. You’re still here with me. We’re in Tana and Britt’s guest room, and Bruce is here. Just keep breathing.”

After another couple of minutes, Finn looked at Noah. “Noah?”

  
  


“Yes, you’re here with me. It’s okay. You’re okay. Do you need anything? Water?”

“Yes, please.”

Noah went and got some water for both of them, and when he came back, Finn was sitting on the bed, looking down and petting Bruce.

“Hey, here’s your water,” he said softly.

“Thanks,” Finn said, and barely looked up when he took it from Noah.

“What do you need now? Do you need time alone?”

“Look, I get it. If you want to go, it’s okay,” Finn said.

“What? I didn’t say I wanted to go. I just don’t want to do anything that fucks this up, or makes you upset right now.”

“Right. It has nothing to do with me being an emotional freak,” Finn mumbled.

“Hey, that’s not fair. What did you tell me yesterday? You may think you’re a freak, but you’re wrong, and don’t put your shit on me?” Noah nudged him with his shoulder and smiled.

“Yeah, shut up,” Finn said, but he smiled. 

“You aren’t a freak, okay? What happened to you sucked, and it’s too much for your brain to process, so this is what happens. It doesn’t make you a freak. You’re strong as fuck.”

“You aren’t leaving?” Finn asked.

“Well, I need to get some clothes at some point, and check in with my sponsor, and I need to go to a meeting, but leaving you? No, never again. You can come with me while I do those things, if you want.”

“Yeah, I want to. Wanna see Kurt and Blaine today?”

“Sure, then I can go get clothes, and we can go to a meeting. I know of an open one. Some are closed to non-addicts, but anyone can go to the open ones. Let me call my sponsor while you call Kurt.”

*******

 

They went to Kurt and Blaine’s, and Noah had another emotional reunion. Finn gave the recap again, and Noah was really touched when Kurt spoke.

“Noah, you are part of this family. We almost lost Finn, and I’ve already lost my mother. Finn lost his dad. We can’t lose you, too. No matter what happens, no matter what you do, talk to one of us, okay? It doesn’t matter who, just talk to one of us. No judgments, no questions, just talk to us. You are not alone, Noah.”

“Thanks, Kurt. Really. Just, well, thanks.” Noah gave him a hug and swore as his eyes filled with tears again.

“No need for thanks. Just remember that. Finn isn’t himself without you, and I don’t think you’re yourself without him.”

“You’re right, of course,” Noah said.

“Of course I am,” Kurt laughed. “This world would be so much better if more people realized that.”

“Don’t push it, little brother,” Finn said, but he was laughing, too.

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

“Were you expecting anyone?” Blaine asked Kurt.

“No, I wasn’t. Oh no…” Kurt said.

“What?” Noah asked.

“Unannounced arrivals are usually Rachel.” Kurt peeked through the hole in the door, and said, “Yep. You all ready?”

“Kurt? I can hear you talking!” Rachel called from the other side of the door.

“Might as well get it over with,” Noah said.

“Finn? You okay with this?” Kurt asked. “I’ll tell her to leave if you want.”

“No, she should see Noah if she wants. I can go in the other room if she starts up.”

“What’s all this? If she starts up, fuck her. She can leave, Finn, not you,” Noah said.

Finn sighed. “Just let her in.”

Kurt opened the door, and said, “Rachel, what a surprise!” He rolled his eyes.

“Kurt, what took you so long? Who were you talking to?” Her eyes swept the room, stopped briefly on Finn, then she saw Noah.

Her hands covered her mouth, stopping a sob, and she ran to hug him.

“Noah, oh my Noah! Oh, where have you been? Let me look at you! Oh, I missed you! Are you okay?” He remembered that she had never called him “Puck”. He had always been “Noah” to her.

“I missed you, Rachel,” Noah said, and he had. He knew she was a lot to take, and from Facebook, he knew that she had become more of an entitled princess than ever, but he had missed her.

“Oh all my boys are together! Wait! How did this happen? When did you all see Noah again? How did you find him? How come you didn’t tell me?” Rachel pouted, and looked at Kurt. “You knew this was happening, and didn’t tell me?”

“Rachel, it wasn’t my story to tell you. It still isn’t,” Kurt said.

Noah made a quick decision. “Finn contacted me on Facebook. He sent me a message, and I decided it was time. I’d hidden long enough, and I knew he’d been hurt, so I responded.” He knew it was a lie, but he needed to spare Shelby the drama of helping them behind Rachel’s back. 

“But where are you living? When did you see Finn? Finn, when did you get to New York? Where are the twins?” Rachel just kept the questions coming.

“Rachel, slow down. I’m living here, and have been for about six months. I saw Finn last night for the first time in four years, and this is the first time I’ve seen Kurt and Blaine,” Noah said.

“Rachel, the girls are next door with Miss Alice and her daughter today. They wanted a play date,” Blaine said.

“Finn? When did you get here? Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t understand why I wouldn’t have been included in these plans.”

“I got here Sunday night,” Finn said, and decided to not elaborate. 

“Well, that’s okay. Even though I wasn’t included, I’m here now.” With a flip of her hair and a turn, she decided to let it go and went to sit in the living room. “Noah, come sit. We have so much to talk about! I have so much to tell you, and oh, I have all your songs from your band, and I have some notes.” She sat on the couch, primly crossing her legs, and patted the couch next to her for Noah to sit next to her.

“Rach, um, thanks, but the band broke up,” Noah said as he sat next to her. 

“Oh no! Well, there will be another band, if you want. My notes would still be helpful, though. Kurt, I know it’s early for wine, but let’s have some. We need to celebrate!”

“None for me, thanks,” Noah said.

“How about coffee or tea?” Blaine said, as he stood awkwardly next to Finn.

“Nonsense,” Rachel said. “This is a wonderful day.”

“I’ll make coffee,” Finn said. “I need to get away from this,” he muttered to Kurt on his way to the kitchen.”

“Rachel, I’m an addict. I can’t drink. I’m in recovery. Today is 253 days without any drugs or alcohol,” Noah explained.

“Oh no, well, I can help you. What happened? Oh, was it after your mother died? It must have been. She was a sweet lady, wasn’t she? Talk to me about it. What happened, Noah?” Rachel said. She leaned into Noah, and put her hand on his knee, squeezing it.

“Rachel, thanks, but let’s just keep today a happy day, okay?” Noah said.

“But Noah…”

“Rachel, he said no,” Kurt said. “He doesn’t want to talk about it. Let it go.”

“I don’t understand. Finn doesn’t want to talk to me about Andy, who apparently he loved. Now Noah doesn’t want to tell me anything except he hid and is in recovery. I just want to help people.” She started crying.

Kurt sighed. “Rach, I love you, but helping people isn’t supposed to be about you. You make it about you.”

“No, I don’t. I want to help Finn process his traumatic event. That’s about him.”

“But Rach, people process in their own time, when they’re ready, and how they’re able to, not on your timeline, and how you think they should,” Blaine said gently.

“Yes, but it’s been over a year since Andy died,” Rachel said. “He should want to talk about it now.” She leaned back into the couch curled her legs under her, and sniffed loudly.

“Oh my god, Rachel. There are no ‘shoulds’ here. He does this on his own schedule, and with who he chooses,” Kurt said. “He hasn’t talked to me about it, either. That’s okay. I understand.”

They heard a crash in the kitchen.

Noah ran in and found Finn, holding a broken mug in his hand and bleeding, and Bruce furiously nudging his other hand, which was holding a bag of coffee.

“Kurt!” Noah called.

Kurt came in, and swore under his breath. Blaine was right behind him, saw what was happening, and said, “I’ll get rid of Rachel.”

“Finn,” Noah said quietly, “I’m with you. Kurt is here, too. He’s going to wrap your hand, and we’re going to breathe, but first, I have to get Bruce out of here so he doesn’t cut his feet. I’m going to lift him, but he won’t leave you. Will you walk with us to the table? Breathe and nod if you can. You’re doing great.”

Finn nodded, almost imperceptibly.

“Good, I’m lifting Bruce, and let’s just take a step. Kurt has a towel on your hand. Let’s breathe and walk, okay?” 

They got to the table, and away from the broken mug, and Noah put Bruce down next to Finn. Noah took the coffee from Finn, and Bruce started licking Finn’s hand.

“Just breathe with me, Finn. Good. We’re at Kurt’s, in New York, and he’s wrapping your hand. You’re doing great,” Noah said, softly and slowly.

After a few minutes, Finn’s eyes lost their glaze, and he looked at Noah. 

“What happened? Oh shit, Bruce! Did I hurt him?”

“No, Bruce is fine, Finn. He’s not hurt. You are, though. I think you may need stitches.”

Finn looked at his hand, and then at Kurt.

“I think he’s right,” Kurt said. “Finn, I’m sorry. I should have stopped her.”

“No, it’s not your fault. We can’t control others, and what others do isn’t on us,” Finn said.

“Ahh, therapeutic lessons,” Noah laughed.

“Well, I can do my best to make sure she isn’t around you while you’re here,” Kurt said. “Every time you’re around her, this happens.”

“Okay, let’s get to the ER. Noah has a meeting I’m going to later with him, and we can’t miss that.”

“Finn, there are other meetings,” Noah said.

“We aren’t starting this. Even if I have to miss this one, you have to go. Joe is going to be waiting for you.”

“Joe?” Kurt asked.

“His sponsor,” Finn said. “He is meeting him later.”

“Okay, so let’s just go, and we can watch the time, and if I have to, I’ll go alone, and meet up with you after,” Noah said.

“Now that’s a smart plan,” Finn said.

Kurt went down to the street to call a cab, while Blaine went next door to make sure Miss Alice could keep the girls longer. Finn got his bag and Noah got Bruce after giving him his treat. On the way out the door, Finn stopped Noah, and said, “Thanks, for everything. I love you.”

Noah smiled, and kissed Finn, hard and fast. “I love you too, but seriously, I don’t want you bleeding on me, so let’s go.”

“Wait. You lifted Bruce. Did you hurt your shoulder?” 

“It wrenched a bit, but it’s fine.”

“Noah, are you sure?”

“Finn, it’s fine. I’d do it again. Now let’s go.”

 

Finn got four stitches in his hand by the doctor at the VA hospital, but thankfully, no tendons or muscles were cut. They offered him painkillers, but Finn said no.

“Babe, are you doing that for me, cause if you are, don’t. I’m in a good place, and you need the meds,” Noah said.

“But Noah…”

“Nope, I have strategies in place, and my actions are not your responsibility.”

“Doc, just give me the weakest ones, and just a few. I’ve been through a lot worse,” Finn said.

“That’s fine. The nurse will be in with follow up care instructions, and you need to come back in ten days to get the stitches removed. Take care, you two,” he said as he walked out.

 

They met Kurt and Blaine in the waiting room, and said goodbye, and Finn added an additional apology.

“Finn, please stop. It was an ugly mug anyway, so no harm done,” Blaine said.

They parted with quick hugs, and promised to see each other soon.

*******

They got on the subway and headed to Noah’s apartment in Brooklyn. Finn texted Santana to let her know what his plans were, and that he may be back later with Noah, but he’d let her know.

She responded with, “Wanky. Have fun.”

 

They got to Noah’s, and weren’t there long, just long enough for Noah to change clothes, and grab some more for the following day or two. He’d have liked to stay at his place with Finn, but he knew that Bruce’s food was at Santana’s, along with Finn’s meds and clothes. 

While Noah was packing his bag, Finn looked around. It was a small place, but clean and bright. Noah didn’t have a lot in the way of decor, but in the bedroom, Finn noticed two pictures on the nightstand. 

One was the same picture he had of the two of them from Nationals, where they were so happy and celebrating. The other was one he hadn’t seen before. It was of Noah and himself, and they were standing facing one another, and just looking at one another. If he didn’t know better, he’d have said he was looking at a couple in love. 

He picked it up to look closer. He was in his uniform, and it looked like Noah’s mother’s house, so maybe it was taken at his mother’s funeral, but he wasn’t sure. 

“Hey Noah? This picture of us? When was it taken?”

Noah walked in from the bathroom, where he’d been gathering his personal items, and looked at the photo. “Oh that one. That was at my mom’s funeral. That’s the last time we talked before I stopped talking to everyone. Sarah took it.”

“I love it. Can I get a copy?” Finn asked.

“I have it on my phone. I’ll text it to you.”

Noah took his phone from his pocket, and unlocked it, and texted the photo to Finn. 

“We gotta get going. Joe’s awesome, but he hates it when I’m late. Part of recovery is responsibility, he says, and he’s right.”

 

They walked down the street to the church, and saw Joe as soon as they walked in the building.

“There he is,” Noah said, and they walked over to him.

“Joe, this is Finn Hudson. Finn, this is Joe, my sponsor.”

“Finn, I’ve heard a lot about you. I hope it’s all true.”

Finn liked him immediately, and could see why Noah responded so well to him. He was blunt, but honest, and Finn appreciated that. 

“I don’t know what you’ve heard, so I can’t say if it’s true, but it’s really good to meet you.”

“Honesty. I like that,” Joe said.

Noah just grinned.

“Let’s go talk,” Joe said, and led them into one of the smaller meeting rooms in the church.

“So tell me how you found Puck, Finn,” Joe asked, as they sat.

“It’s Noah now,” Noah said.

“Interesting, but cool,” Joe said. “Okay, so tell me how you found Noah.”

Finn told him everything, about contacting Shelby, and their meeting at her apartment. 

“Can you tell me about your dog? And if it’s personal, feel free to say no,” Joe said.

“It’s okay. I have PTSD. I’m a vet, and Bruce is my service dog. He recognizes when I get overloaded, or go into flashbacks, and he helps me out of it.”

“Bruce as in Springsteen?”

Finn looked at Noah and grinned. “I like him.”

Joe laughed, and said, “I take it that’s a yes. Listen, clearly you guys have history, and Noah seems a hundred times lighter today than he did just a few days ago. I can’t tell Noah what to do, but I will tell you that NA recommends that people don’t start relationships during the first year of recovery.”

“Noah told me that, and that’s okay. I still live in Lima, at least temporarily, and we need to get to know each other again. We’ve both changed a lot in four years. A lot has happened to both of us and we both still have a lot to work through,” Finn said. “Even without the recommendation, that would all still be true.”

“Smart man,” Joe said to Noah.

“He is,” Noah agreed.

They went into the meeting, and Finn sat and listened to the stories. He could tell that Noah needed these meetings, and when he participated, Finn almost burst with pride. 

They left shortly after the meeting, and took the subway back to Tana and Britt’s apartment. They fed Bruce, and visited with Tana and Britt. They had already been filled in on what happened with Finn’s hand, and Rachel, and had ice packs ready for Finn.

“Is it hurting badly, Finn?” Britt asked.

“No, they numbed me really well, and it’s just starting to wear off. I’ll be fine, though. I appreciate the ice, thanks.”

“What the fuck happened to Rachel?” Noah asked. “She was always self-centered, but I don’t remember her being this obsessed to be everyone’s savior.”

“With every starring role she’s had, she’s gotten worse, but since she got divorced, she has this need to be in everyone’s business. I’m sure it makes her feel better to help her boys, but oh my god, she’s obnoxious,” Tana said.

“Well, she can’t be around Finn again. She won’t let it go,” Noah said.

“Already taken care of. As long as Finn is in New York, if anyone wants or needs to see Rachel, we are going to do it alone, and at her place,” Tana said.

“Awesome, thanks,” Finn said.

“Well boys, I’m going to spend some quality time with my wife. Finn, we have a bunch of ice made for you. Help yourself.”

“Thanks, Tana. Love you,” Finn said.

“Love you both,” Tana said.

They all said goodnight, and the women went to bed.

“I have to take Bruce out, and then do you want to go to bed?” Finn asked. 

“Yes, it’s been quite a day, but I’ll walk with you.”

 

They took Bruce downstairs, and out on the street. As they were walking, Noah was really quiet. After a few minutes, Finn asked what was on his mind.

“Just thinking of all that’s happened in the past few days. On Sunday, I was alone, and thought I would be for a long time. I couldn’t even imagine being with you, talking with you, let alone you knowing everything and accepting me. Now you want me. It’s just a lot to process.”

“It is. Two weeks ago, I was in Florida, training with Bruce. A week ago, I didn’t know where you were, or if I’d ever see you again,” Finn said.

“Did you mean what you said to Joe, about taking it slow, and understanding everything?”

“Yeah, I really did. Even if we hadn’t reconnected, I still have PTSD. I’m having episodes frequently. Sure, some of the recent ones are because of Rachel, but if it wasn’t her, it would be something else. I need to work on me as much as you need to work on you. I’m also not sure where I’m living, or what I’m going to do next, which is kind of a big issue,” Finn said with a laugh.

“But we can do some of this together, right?” Noah asked quietly.

“Of course. That’s the plan.”

 

They slept tangled up again, but this time, Finn didn’t have an episode when he woke up. He just pulled Noah in tighter, and smiled. He didn’t know what was going to happen, with his relationship with Noah, with his life, or really much of anything, but Noah was back in his life, and for today, he was happy.

He got up quietly, and pulled some jeans and a t-shirt on, slipped his shoes and his jacket on, and took Bruce outside. His hand was throbbing a bit, but nothing some ibuprofen and ice wouldn’t help, and as he made his way back upstairs, he was smiling again.

He started the coffee, and fed Bruce, and checked his phone. He had a reminder to check in with his therapist by phone at 10. Part of his plans were for him to talk to him at least once a week by phone until he figured out where he wanted to be long-term, and then he’d find a therapist and doctor there.

He grabbed a banana, and ate that as he gave Facebook a quick check. His mom had sent him a message, just checking in, so he sent her a quick message back, and promised to call her later.

After years of getting up early in the army, his body clock hadn’t reset, so it wasn’t even 7 am yet. He figured he’d get in the shower while Noah was still sleeping.

His after-care instructions for his hand stated that he couldn’t get it wet, so he found a plastic bag in the pantry, and some duct tape in a drawer in the kitchen. He ripped some tape strips, and then wrapped the bag around his hand, and managed to mostly seal the bag on his hand. He figured it would do good enough, and he’d just try really hard to not get it wet.

He went to the bathroom, and took his shoes off, then his shirt, and then tried taking his jeans off. He realized too late that he should have taped his hand after taking his jeans off, as he tried to push the right side down, then the left, then back to the right. Damn Kurt and these fitted jeans he bought. 

“Fuck, this sucks,” he mumbled. He got them to his knees, and then lost his balance, and almost fell. He righted himself, but not before knocking into the wall, and then sat on the toilet to finish.

He looked up and saw Noah, in his boxer briefs, leaning against the doorframe with Bruce sitting next to him on the floor. Both were just watching him, Noah with a smirk, and Bruce with a head tilt.

“Need some help?” Noah said, still smirking.

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?” Finn asked.

“Assuming that was you that made the loud thud, you did. It’s okay, though. Clearly you need some help. Why didn’t you just ask?”

“I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“That worked well for you, huh?” Noah kneeled down and finished pulling Finn’s jeans off, and tossed them to the side. 

“It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t put on these damned jeans Kurt bought for me. I should have put sweats on.”

“Are those the jeans you had on the other night? They may be a pain with one hand, but they’re worth it. They show off your ass nicely.”

Finn blushed. “Thanks.”

“Okay, I’ll leave you to your shower, before I comment on other things and totally embarrass you.”

As Finn showered, he tried to remember that they were taking this slow, but it wasn’t easy. He hadn’t wanted anyone since Andy, but this was Noah. Noah, who he’d loved for as long as he could remember, and who loved him back. Finn knew he tended to jump in with both feet, but they both needed to take this slow. Slow. He could do slow.

He got out of the shower, dried off, pulled on some sweats this time, and went out to the kitchen, where Noah was eating some cereal and doing stuff on his phone. He tried pulling the tape off the bag on his hand, and just yanking the bag off, and it wasn’t working. He opened draw after drawer looking for scissors, and found none. Noah just watched.

He finally decided to cut it off with a kitchen knife, and Noah rolled his eyes, and sighed. “Man, do you ever ask for help? Are you trying to stab yourself?”

He got up and walked over to Finn. He lifted the end of one piece of tape, and pulled it off, and the rest came loose with it. He removed the bag from Finn’s hand, and threw it away. Finn expected him to stick his tongue out and say, “So there,” but he didn’t. He didn’t even look smug.

“Thanks. I appreciate it. I just didn’t want to interrupt whatever it is you’re doing,” Finn said.

“I’m checking Facebook. Big deal. What’s with the not asking for help?” He asked it softly, suspecting there was something big causing this.

“I’m so fucking dependent now. I’m dependent on a dog even. Bruce is awesome, but I can’t do anything on my own. I haven’t been able to do anything on my own for over a year. I moved back in with my parents, and I’m almost thirty. It sucks. I want to feel normal, and I don’t know that I ever will again.”

“That does suck. I can’t tell you it doesn’t, and I really wish I could.” Noah wished he had a magic wand that could make it all better for Finn, but they didn’t live in a fairy tale. They lived in a hard reality, one full of war, dead lovers, bad parents, and drugs.

They also had a lot of blessings, and Noah was just beginning to remember a lot of those. It was something he had been working on in therapy.

“It may sound stupid, but have you heard of a gratitude journal? My therapist has been after me to start one. I’m not suggesting we do one together, and don’t think we need to do therapy together, or even should, but it may be something that could help,” Noah said.

“Ha, do all therapists go to the same school or something? Mine has been suggesting the same thing,” Finn said. “He said it would help me remember all the good things I have on the days I feel bad.”

“Yep, same school,” Noah laughed. He reached out and took Finn’s hand. “Recently, I have a lot more to be grateful for, you know.”

“Yeah, me too,” Finn said with a smile.

Finn had his call at 10, so Noah left to get some time in at the recording studio, and they made plans to talk later in the day.

Finn talked to Mark, his therapist, about finding Noah, and being in New York, about his frequent episodes, Rachel, feeling so dependent, and having no idea whatsoever what his future held.

“Finn, you’ve had a lot of changes in a very short amount of time. Take it one step at a time, and I’d like to talk to you again in a few days. I’m going to call your doctor and talk to him about your meds, too, since you’re having so many episodes. Are you using your rescue meds at all?”

“Not really. I’ve been able to come out of the episodes okay without it so far.”

“Okay, well, I’ll talk to him anyway, but let’s talk again in a few days. Maybe just settling down some and not being around Rachel will help, but we’ll see. Have you given any thought to keeping a gratitude journal?” Mark asked.

Finn laughed and told him what Noah said about it, and Mark was impressed by it.

“Good, not only that he may keep one, and that’s between Noah and his therapist, but that he realizes you should keep your therapy separate. It’s great that you found each other again, but it’s good insight that he needs to do his own work, and you have to do yours. I have another call, and our time is up. Call me again Friday morning, same time?”

“Sure thing, thanks Mark,” Finn said, and ended the call.

Finn sat at the kitchen table in the silence, and thought about the things he had talked with Mark about. He knew he had to take things one day at a time, but he was also frustrated. He had enough savings and his disability pay so he didn’t have to worry about money, but he couldn’t just sit around and do nothing. He also wasn’t able to do much now. 

Okay, he needed to get up and stop thinking. He texted Kurt, and asked if he was free for lunch. He needed to get out. 

Kurt said he was free and knew a quiet diner they could go to where Finn should be fine. Finn appreciated the thought, he really did, but shit, again with not being normal.

*******

He met Kurt at the diner, and it was quiet, and it was actually nice to be able to sit and talk to his brother alone. He just couldn’t get it out of his head that he wasn’t normal.

They talked about the kids, and about what to order, but Kurt was quick to comment on Finn’s mood. Even with the server, who was a really nice woman, Finn wasn’t all that friendly when he placed his order. 

“Okay Finn, what’s going on?” Kurt asked quietly after their server left. “You seem really down today. Anything you want to talk about?” Kurt broached it carefully, knowing that Finn would talk when he was ready.

“I’m not normal, Kurt. I may never be normal again. I can’t do anything. I can’t work. I can’t hold a job. I can’t have a relationship. I can’t be in the same room with people I’ve known all my life. I am dependent on a dog. I even have to go to quiet restaurants.”

The server brought the soup that Finn had ordered as an appetizer, and he couldn’t open the crackers because of his injured hand. “Fuck, can you open these for me, please?” He handed the package to Kurt.

“Finn, even without PTSD, leaving the army would be a culture shock. Adding everything else, when you’re used to working all the time, and constantly doing something, it’s no wonder you don’t feel ‘normal’. It can’t be easy being so dependent, either.”

“It sucks. I almost fell in the bathroom trying to get those jeans you bought me off, and Noah had to help.” Finn knew he was pouting, but he didn’t even care.

“Yes, Finn, and I’m sure that was quite a hardship for Noah,” Kurt said with a small roll of his eyes. 

Finn started to say something, then stopped himself, and started laughing. “Well, he wasn’t complaining,” he said with his half-smile. 

“No, I’m quite sure he wasn’t.” 

Finally, Finn saw the humor in it, and it felt good, so he just laughed more. “Oh you should have seen him, little brother. He was leaning against the doorframe, with that smirk, and said, ‘Need some help?’ Even Bruce was laughing inside, I think, when I said I didn’t ask for help because I didn’t want to wake him, which of course I did when I hit the wall. The two of them were just standing in the doorway smirking at me.”

Kurt’s heart warmed at the picture his mind created of it. Finn may not know it yet, but he, Puck and Bruce were working on the beginnings of a family. It would take some time, but they’d get there.

*******

  
Noah went to the recording studio, and actually had a good day. His producer, Ricky, watched him as they worked on a song, ‘Gone’, and was impressed.

“Puck, it’s like a totally different guy than the one in here the other day. I don’t know what happened since I saw you Monday, dude, but keep doing it.”

“Thanks. I’m working on a new song I want to put on the album, too. I’m not sure if I want to call it ‘Back Again’ or ‘Reconnecting’, but I’ll let you hear it when it’s done. Should be done soon,” Noah said.

“Awesome. If we keep going at this rate, we may have a release date around Thanksgiving, and ‘Gone’ and either ‘Back Again’ or ‘Reconnecting’ could be the title. It works. Nicely done, Puck.”

“Uh, it’s Noah now, actually. I don’t know what I’m going to use professionally, or as a brand, but personally, I’m Noah.”

“Okay, Noah. You want to talk about any of it?” Ricky asked. “I’ve been around the block a few times, and it’s confidential.”

“Well, I’ve made some changes in the past year, so I figure the name should change, too.” Noah didn’t know Ricky well, so he didn’t know how much he could share with him.

“Ah, got it. I’ve got almost five years clean myself. I get it,” Ricky said.

“What? How did you know?”

“Making some changes, ‘Gone’, ‘Reconnecting’, going back to your name. I just figured it out. How long?” Ricky asked.

“254 days today.”

“Good for you. Remember, though. One day at a time. Only way to do it,” Ricky said. “Got a sponsor?”

“Yep, and I go to meetings. Thanks, really.”

“Anytime. Anyway, on the bridge…” And with that, they got back to work.

*******

Finn texted Noah after lunch, and when Noah took a break, he called him. They made plans for Finn to spend the night at Noah’s. Noah gave Finn the subway instructions, but could hear how nervous Finn was about doing it alone, so he left the studio a bit early, and met him at Britt and Santana’s, and they did it together.

“Thanks, man, but you didn’t have to do this,” Finn said.

“Really, it’s no big deal. The subway is overwhelming for anyone who isn’t used to it. No big deal,” Noah said.

Finn left a note on the counter, and said he’d keep them updated about his plans, and they left.

 

The made it to Noah’s with no problems, and Finn set Bruce’s food and water dishes up, and Bruce ate happily while Finn and Noah decided what to do for dinner. 

“Can I cook for you? It won’t be fancy, but I’ve been trying new things, and cooking is one of them,” Noah asked.

“Sure, that would be awesome,” Finn said with his half-smile. “Can I do something first?”

“Yeah, whatever you need. Make yourself at home.”

Finn crossed Noah’s small living room to the kitchen where Noah was pulling some food from the pantry and fridge, grabbed Noah, and pulled him into a searing kiss.

“Okay, I’m good now. You can start dinner,” Finn said smugly.

“Yeah, you’re good,” Noah smirked. “Hey, I’m really glad you’re here,” he added as Finn walked to the couch.

“Yeah? So am I.”

About 20 minutes later, they sat down to dinner. Finn just stared at the big bowl of pasta, the garlic bread and salad.

“You did all this that fast?” Finn asked.

“Yeah, it’s not hard. It’s just angel hair with shrimp, tomatoes, broccoli florets, and stuff all tossed together.”

“Yeah, man, whatever. It has some flavors to it, so it’s not just tossed together,” Finn said as he eagerly ate.

“Yeah, there’s garlic, basil, oregano, and some other stuff in there.”

“Yeah, whatever. It’s awesome. What’s on this salad?”

“Balsamic vinaigrette dressing,” Noah shrugged.

Finn put his fork down, reached over and held Noah’s hand. “Thanks for doing this. It’s really nice, and I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome. I enjoyed it.” Noah kissed Finn’s hand, and said, “Now take your good hand back, and eat.”

 

Finn spent two days with Noah. He went to the studio with him, and to a meeting, and they enjoyed getting to know each other again.

On the second night of Finn’s stay, as they were getting ready for bed, Noah’s neighbors had a fight. Someone left the apartment, slammed the door, and it echoed through Noah’s apartment.

Noah was in the bathroom, and didn’t think much about it, other than muttering, “Jesus, do you have to let the whole building know you’re pissed?” Two seconds later, though, he remembered Finn. He threw his toothbrush on the side of the sink, took a swallow of water from his hand, and ran in the bedroom.

Finn was sitting on the bed, shaking, sweating, and had tears running down his face. Bruce was on the bed with him, licking his hand. 

“Finn. Oh Finn,” Noah said quietly. “I’m here. It’s Noah. You’re at my apartment, and it was just a slammed door. I’m going to sit on the bed, okay?”

Finn didn’t respond. Noah sat on the bed, softly and about two feet away from Finn. Finn still didn’t react. Shit.

“Finn, breathe with me, okay? Just follow my breaths. That’s good,” he said when he noticed Finn starting to follow his breathing. “That’s awesome. Breathe in and out with me. You’re doing great.”

After a few minutes, Noah saw that Finn was coming out of it some, but not as quickly or as much as he had with the other episodes he’d witnessed. 

“Finn, do you need your meds?”

Finn nodded, and Noah went to Finn’s bag, the one he always had with him, and got the case out. He handed Finn a pill, and then ran to the kitchen for some water. After Finn had taken the pill, Noah set the water on his nightstand, and sat with him again. They did the breathing, and finally, after what seemed like hours, Finn seemed to be coming out of the episode. Noah asked Finn what he needed.

“Do you want me to sleep on the couch? It’s okay if you do, or if you want me to sleep here, I’m happy to do that, too. Whatever you need, babe,” Noah said.

Finn looked up, and said, “Noah?”

“Yeah, babe, it’s me. I’m here.”

“I’m so sorry,” Finn said, and tears filled his eyes.

“No, no, you don’t need to say that. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was the asshole who slammed the door, not you.”

“Will you stay with me?”

“Of course, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” Noah said.

“This one was a flashback, not just panic. I hate those the most, because I see Andy all bloody. I see him dead. I don’t want to see him like that.”

“I’m sorry, Finn. I’m so sorry you see that.”

Noah’s heart broke for Finn as he got up and pulled the covers back, helped Finn get in bed, got Bruce his treat, then climbed in with him. Bruce got in his place on the foot of the bed by Finn. When Finn was good, Bruce sometimes slept on the floor, but if Finn wasn’t, Bruce slept on the bed, near Finn. Finn put his head on Noah’s chest, and Noah wrapped his arms around him. He kissed the top of Finn’s head, whispered, “I love you,” and was awake for a long time before he fell asleep.

 

Finn woke up groggy the next morning, which was only one of the reasons he didn’t like taking his rescue meds. He looked at the time, and realized he had slept till 8:30, which was late for him. He got up, put some sweats on, and took Bruce out. He had a childish impulse to slam the door, but didn’t, if only to spare the others in the building, including Noah, who was still asleep.

Bruce did his thing, and they went back inside. Finn put coffee on, and thanked all the gods when it was ready. He had to call his therapist this morning, and if this fog didn’t clear, he wasn’t going to do a thing except watch TV all day after.

He ate a bowl of cereal and a banana, and this time, decided to wait for Noah to take a shower. With this fog, he decided not to tempt fate.

He grabbed his phone, went to the couch, and checked his messages. He responded to Sam and his mom, who were just checking in, to Kurt, who wanted to know if he and Noah wanted to do something that weekend, and deleted a message from Rachel without reading it.

He checked Facebook, and was feeling his head clear when he heard Noah get up. He looked up to see Noah shuffle from the bedroom into the kitchen and pour a cup of coffee, then he shuffled into the living room.

“How ya doin’? Better today?” Noah mumbled.

“Yeah, and thanks. I’m sorry…”

“Okay, I’m making a rule. Whatever this ends up being, the root is we are best friends. That means we do shit for each other. We take care of each other. You don’t have to thank me for taking care of you every time you have an episode, and it sure as fuck means you don’t need to apologize for them.”

“But…”

“No, Finn. No buts here. New rule is you don’t apologize to me for your episodes, and you only get to thank me once a week. I’d say never, but I think your head would explode.” Noah stood, leaned over and kissed Finn quickly, and walked to the kitchen to get breakfast. Finn was pretty sure he gloated the entire way.

Noah went to the grocery store while Finn had his call. Finn’s therapist, Mark, said that he had talked to Finn’s psychiatrist, and his doctor was concerned about the number of episodes he was having, but considering his stressors, they wanted to see if Finn’s frequency of episodes decreased when things calmed down.

Finn was fine with that, since he didn’t want to change meds. He hated having to be on them, and hated the transition from one to another. 

He talked to Mark about Noah, and the rule he came up with earlier that morning. Mark laughed, and thought it was a good rule, but wanted to know why Finn was apologizing for his episodes.

“It’s just such a big deal when it happens, and someone always has to stop what they are doing to take care of me. I’m sure it’s a pain in the ass.”

“Has anyone indicated that?”

“Well, no, but I’m sure they think that. How can they not?” Finn felt like a burden, and he couldn’t see it any other way right now.

“Finn, if Noah, your mom or Kurt were the one with PTSD, would you think they were burdens on you?” Mark asked.

“No, of course not.”

“Then why do you assume you are on them?”

“I don’t know. I just am,” Finn said.

“Try again, and this time with an actual answer,” Mark laughed. They’d been through this before with Finn’s non-answers.

“Because it just sucks and it’s a pain in the ass for me, and I figure it must be for them.”

“Better.”

“No, actually, it’s worse, because I just told Noah the other day to not assume I’ll think he’s a weak junkie just because he thinks that’s what he is,” Finn sighed.

“Yeah, it sucks when our words come back to bite us in the ass, doesn’t it? How’s it going with him?”

“It’s great, and going very slowly. I’m not sure it could go much slower without stopping.”

“Is that frustrating for you?” Mark asked.

“Sexually it is,” Finn admitted. “I thought last night something would happen, but then some asshole slammed the door, and that took care of that.”

“What happens when it does? Is that a relationship?”

“Fuck, probably. I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it.”

“So talk about it,” Mark said, as if it was the simplest answer in the world.

 

Noah came back with his groceries, and said that Ricky had called when he was out, letting him know some studio time had opened up if he wanted it, and did Finn care if he went to the studio.

“No, of course not, go. I think I’m going to head back to Tana and Britt’s. I need clean clothes.”

“That’s cool. I’ll take the subway with you. What are you doing later? Want me to text you when I’m done?” Noah asked. He felt like he was pushing, like it was tense or something suddenly.

“Sure. Want to come over tonight?” Finn felt like he was a teenager again, awkwardly asking for a date. Why was this weird suddenly?

“Yeah, sounds good. Listen, if you need a night away, by yourself, it’s cool. It really is. I want to see you, but if you need time, that’s okay.”

“It got awkward, didn’t it?” Finn laughed.

“Yeah, why is that?”

“No idea. Text me when you’re done, okay? I want to see you.” Finn leaned in and kissed Noah. “I know we are taking this slow, for both of us, but don’t forget that I love you.”

Noah smiled, and said, “I love you, too.”

*******

They left together after Finn got his stuff packed up. Finn was still wary of the subway, but with Noah, he managed okay. They split after they got off the subway, with Noah heading to the studio, and Finn going back to Tana and Britt’s apartment.  
Santana was there, working on her laptop at the table when Finn arrived, which surprised him, since it was the middle of the day.

“Are you okay? Why are you home?” Finn asked. “Am I interrupting anything?”

“Nope, you’re fine. I just needed some time away from the office. I had a meeting with Rachel this morning. She’s about to get fired from her show, and everyone knows it, and somehow she thinks I can fix it. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already.”

“Tana, what happened to her, really? She was always a diva, but not like this.”

“She caught Jesse fucking her understudy. She never suspected it, and she walked into his office one day, and there they were. The bitch actually told Rachel she should have knocked. His wife – she said his wife should have knocked. Jesse just stood there and let them fight. He never even stood up for his wife, and just let that bitch demean Rachel. You know, it’s bad enough that she fucked Jesse, but she demeaned Rachel in front of Jesse, and Jesse just stood there.”

“That asshole,” Finn said. “Rachel would have been screwed no matter what she did. If she fought, she’d have the reputation as a loose cannon. If she walked away, she’d lose to the bitch sleeping with her husband. Rachel knew that. She had to have known that.”

“Yes, she did, and she chose to walk away, to save her reputation in a broader sense. She paid for it though, because she lost a sense of control. Not only was Jesse her director, but he was her husband, and really, her only safe space. So now she clamors for attention, to be needed, to be included, but she tries so fucking hard that she oversteps, and plows over any objections people may have. It alienates the same people she is so desperately needing.”

“Shit, that makes me feel bad for her,” Finn said.

“Don’t get too sappy,” Tana said with a smirk. “She had a whole life plan for you two. You’d get out of the army, come home, see her and fall in love all over again. You’d get married and have babies, and you’d take care of them while she starred in all the best roles, forever after.”

“Yeah, but I’m gay.”

“Well, to be fair, she didn’t know that, but even after she’s found out, she’s calling that a ‘phase’. I’m working on what we’d call a ‘long retreat’ or something, and her getting some help. She’s resisting.”

“That’s too bad. Therapy helps me a ton,” Finn said. “I don’t think I’d be here without it.”

“That makes me happy and so sad at the same time, Finn,” Tana said. She got up and walked over to where he was sitting on the couch, and curled up next to him. “I’m so glad you’re here and okay.”

“Yeah, I am, too. It’s taken some time, but I’m actually happy I’m alive. I didn’t think I’d ever want to live after Andy died, and trying to live with the guilt of it.”

“Oh Finn, no. It’s not your fault. You didn’t shoot him,” Tana was surprised. They hadn’t ever really talked about this, and she wouldn’t have guessed Finn blamed himself.

“Yeah, but I couldn’t get to him, Tana. I didn’t save him.”

“Oh no, fuck that.” Tana sat straight up. “That’s a pile of crap and I think you know it. You were hurt, too. Saying you are guilty for not saving him is like saying he was guilty for you getting shot twice, or something equally nonsensical and stupid. Do you blame him for you getting shot? Do you blame him for him getting shot?”

“What? Tana, shut up. Of course not. Why would I blame him? He died.”

“So because you lived, you get the blame? Who was in charge? Does that dude get the blame? Did he miss something? Look away? Was he thinking about some chick back home? Maybe it’s his fault?” Tana knew she was pushing the line, and Finn could go into an episode, but he seemed willing to talk so far, and she wanted him to get past this. Since he broached the subject with her, she was going to go there, and go as far as he’d let her.

“Fuck Tana, no. Rob was in charge, as you’d call it, and he was great. It was literally a sniper attack. None of us saw it.”

“So then why are you the guilty one? Why isn’t Rob?”

Finn sighed. “Because he just isn’t, okay?”

“No, not okay, Finn,” Tana said softly. “You know who needs to carry the guilt? The bastards who shot him, you and the others. Not you. Never you. He wouldn’t want you to, Finny. He loved you so much. He’d want you to be happy, not blaming yourself for not being some kind of superhero.”

“Brittany said he’d want me to be a happy dolphin swimming in a happy ocean.” 

“That’s our Britt, and you know she’s right.” Tana took Finn’s face in her hands. “Andy would never want you burdened by his memory. He was a great guy, and he would want you to remember his life, how he lived, and how you shared your love, not how he died.”

“I know. I’m getting there.”

“I know. So tell me about what’s up with you and Puck. Crap. Noah. I’ll get it right,” Tana said, shaking her head.

“We’re taking it slow. He can’t be in a relationship for the first year of recovery, which is okay since I’m not really ready for one yet. It’s good that we are taking it slow, but parts of that are well, um, you know.” 

“Frustrating? You’re horny, Finnocence. It’s okay. It’s normal. Noah’s hot. You’re hot. Of course you’d turn each other on. I’d worry if you didn’t.”

“It still feels weird wanting someone other than Andy.”

“I’m sure it does. Remember years ago when I was with Dani? That felt weird, too. Britt was alive, of course, but it was really weird being attracted to someone other than her, and acting on it. It eventually felt normal, and even good,” she said with a wink.

“I’m sure it did,” Finn laughed.

“My point is that different isn’t always bad, Finn. Only you know if this is right for you, but don’t rule anything out just because it’s different. You know Andy would come down and kick your cute, gay, little ass for that.”

“I love you, Tana,” Finn said, and gave her a hug.

“I know you do, and I love you.”

*******

A few days later, Finn and Noah were at Noah’s apartment. Noah was cooking dinner, and Finn was sitting at the small kitchen table, checking Facebook. He saw something Jake posted, and realized that no one had told Jake that Noah was alive and well. Jake was living in LA, doing pretty well as a professional dancer and choreographer.

“Hey babe?”

“Yeah?” Noah said from the kitchen.

“Think you ought to call Jake?”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that, but fuck. What do I say to him?”

“How about what you said to the rest of us? I’ll even call him. He’ll answer my number.”

“You’ve been talking to him?” Noah dropped his head, and Finn got up and walked to him. 

“Yeah, of course. I told you. Tana and I tried everything we could to find you, and Jake and I kept in touch the whole time. He missed you, too.” Finn put his arms around him, hugging him from behind, since Noah was standing at the stove. “You were, and are, loved.”

“I’m such an ass. He’s my little brother, and I just walked out on him.”

“Enough of that. He’s your little brother, but he’s a grown man now. He’ll understand. He has the same dad. He’ll get it. Call after dinner?”

“Yeah, I will.”

 

They ate, and Finn cleaned the kitchen, and they took Bruce out for a walk. When they came back, they settled in on the couch, and Finn called Jake, who picked up right away.

“Finn? How are you, man?”

“I’m good, really good. How are you? Is this a bad time?”

“No, it’s good. It’s a day off, and I was just doing some laundry. Why? What’s up?” Jake paused. “Oh. Do you have news? Is it bad?”

“No, it’s not bad. I found him.” Noah and Finn had agreed that they weren’t going to do the whole ‘Surprise! There’s someone here who wants to talk to you!’ kind of thing. Noah wasn’t convinced Jake wouldn’t be pissed, and Finn didn’t think it was fair to spring that on Jake that way when he was across the country.

“You found him? Is he okay? Is he… alive?” He knew Finn had said it wasn’t bad, but whatever. He was just trying to process all this.

“Yes, he’s alive,” Finn said softly, grasping Noah’s hand. Noah had tears falling down his face silently, and Finn could only imagine the thoughts going through this mind. “He’s fine. He’s had a rough time, but I’ll let him tell you about it.”

“What? You’ve talked to him?”

“He’s right next to me. Do you want to talk to him?”

“Of course I do. What the fuck kind of question is that?” Jake asked.

“He’s really afraid you’ll be mad enough to cuss him out and hang up on him, which I know you won’t, but he doesn’t, okay?”

“Yeah, got it. Thanks for the tip. Finn, what he’s been through – was it bad?”

“Emotionally, yeah. Really bad. Physically, he’s okay now. You’ll understand it more than a lot of us. I’ll put him on now.”

“Finn, thanks, dude.”

Finn handed the phone to Noah, who had to take a few deep breaths before speaking. Finally, he was able to talk.

“Jake?”

“Puck? Is it really you? You’re okay?”

“Fuck man, I’m so sorry.”

“Puck, I don’t give a shit what happened. I’m just so glad you’re okay. Please don’t apologize.”

“I need to. I’m so sorry.”

“Fine, then you’re forgiven. Apology accepted. What happened? You stopped taking my calls, you either stopped answering the door when I came over or you moved, so what the hell happened?”

Noah told him the story of the letters, the drugs, and how he ended up addicted. He left nothing out, including how he felt he let him down.

“That’s crap, man. We have the same father, man. I get it. I may not have the same bitch for a mother, but that’s the only difference. I lucked out as far as mothers go. You didn’t. I’m so sorry you went through that, but you didn’t let me down. I’m just happy you’re alive. Love you, bro.”

Jesus, how much could a grown man cry, Noah thought? “Love you, too. So tell me about your life. Tell me about the dancing, and women. Anyone special?”

Jake filled him in on his life. He’d been doing really well dancing, and was thinking of moving to New York to try his luck there.

“You should! I live in New York now. Britt is here, too, and I’m sure she could help. Please consider that.”

“I will. That’s definitely points in its favor. What about you? Any special people? Still making music?”

“I’m recording now. It’s solo, which is supposed to be secret, so yeah. We’ll see. And um yeah, kinda with someone special.”

“Kinda?”

“Well, NA says no new relationships for a year, so it’s not really a relationship yet. We’re taking it slow.”

“New? Holy shit, Puck. You’re with Finn? Well, all I have to say is it’s about fucking time.” 

“Are you laughing at me?” Noah asked, but he was also laughing. “Oh and I go by Noah now.”

“Okay, Noah, and I’m laughing at the both of you. The rest of us saw this coming years ago, so yeah, I’m laughing my ass off. You guys are slow as fuck.”

“Gee thanks, man.”

They talked for a while longer, and then Jake had to go. They promised to keep in touch, which Jake made him promise several times over. Noah understood though, and agreed each time.

“I get it. I’ve already promised Finn not to run again. I’ll call soon, okay? Love you, bro.”

“Love you, too.”

*******

Finn stayed in New York for two more weeks, going back and forth between Santana and Britt’s, and Noah’s. He got his stitches out without any problems, and his hand healed nicely.

And then Carole called. She and Burt were wondering what his plans were, as they needed to go back to DC, and if Finn was going to stay in New York long term, or permanently, they may want to sell the house, or at least rent it. If he wanted to stay in it, it was his.

This decision sent Finn into a tailspin. He had stopped thinking about making any decisions regarding anything, and in fact, was avoiding them, until now. He resented Carole for asking him to make this decision now, and knew it was childish, as she told him to take his time, but he just panicked.

He talked to Kurt and Blaine, Britt and Tana, and Noah, and even Shelby. They all told him the same thing – the decision was up to him, and while they would all love to have him in New York, only he could make this decision. He got angrier each time someone said it.

He talked to Mark, his therapist, who pointed out that he was blaming his friends for something that wasn’t their fault, and resenting his parents for something that was really just a simple question, and Finn knew it. It didn’t ease his panic, but he knew it.

“So what’s really at the heart of this, Finn? What’s going on?” Mark asked him.

“I don’t know. I just know that it all scares me,” Finn said.

“Okay, what scares you about going back to Lima?” Mark asked.

“Losing Noah. I just found him again.”

“Have you expressed that to him?” Mark asked gently.

“No. I’ve mostly been an ass about the whole thing,” Finn pouted.

Mark laughed. “Well, I appreciate your level of self-awareness, but I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate the assness. What scares you about staying in New York?”

“Losing Andy,” Finn said quickly, and then gasped. “Oh fuck. What does that even mean? I’ve already lost him.”

“Well, yes, you’ve lost him physically, but perhaps you mean that you fear you will lose him emotionally or spiritually if you stay in New York and continue to allow your relationship with Noah to develop?”

“Fuck. Oh my god, fuck. Yes.” Finn started breathing heavy, and Bruce jumped up on the couch next to him, and started licking his hand.

“Finn, where are you? Is anyone with you?” Mark asked.

“I’m at Noah’s, and he’s in the other room,” Finn mumbled.

“Can you call for him, and let me talk to him? I’m not going to tell him what you just said, but I think you need him right now.”

“Uh maybe.” Finn tried calling for Noah, who didn’t hear him, but Bruce got up and ran to the other room, barked, and Noah heard that. He got off his bed, tore off his headphones, and ran into the living room. Finn just handed the phone to Noah.

“Yeah? Who is this?” Noah asked.

“Noah? It’s Mark. Finn’s having an episode. He needs you to breathe. You’ve done this before, I know. I’ll just hold on, so don’t hang up. Just take care of him.”

“Thanks, man,” Noah said, and threw the phone on the couch. He sat next to Finn, and said, “Finn, it’s Noah. We’re just gonna breathe, okay? You’re in my apartment, and it’s just you, me and Bruce. Breathe with me, babe.”

They got through it, and after, Noah got up to get Bruce his treat, and handed Finn the phone to talk to Mark.

“Mark? I’m okay. It’s over.” Finn was quiet, but the worst was over.

“Finn, take your time, really, but Andy is with you no matter what. Whether you stay with Noah, or go back to Lima, or end up in Timbuktu, Andy will be with you forever. That’s how it works. I’ll let you go for now, but call again in a couple of days, same time, okay?”

“Thanks, I will.”

Finn ended the call, and just sunk into Noah. 

“Thanks, and I’m sor…”

“Don’t do it, Finn. Don’t fucking apologize to me for this. You can thank me if you need to, but don’t apologize.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to apologize for,” Finn said. Okay, he knew he was pouting and feeling sorry for himself, but he was finding it fucking hard to care at the moment.

“Let me guess. It was either for being a burden, for dragging me into your ‘mess’, for interrupting my fascinating morning of looking at Facebook, or maybe it was for not immediately deciding to stay in New York to be with my sexy ass. Knowing you, it was probably a combination of all of the above. Am I right?”

“Okay, so you do know,” Finn mumbled.

“Yay, points for me.”

“Shut up. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?” Oh, this is going to be a great day, Finn thought. Let’s pick fights. Great game plan.

“Wrong with me? What are you talking about? If something is on your mind, Finn, let’s discuss it. I’m not going to be your emotional punching bag, though,” Noah said, calmly enough to piss Finn off even more.

“Oh yeah, cause you are always the calm, rational one, right?”

“Finn, are you trying to fight with me so that I’ll be okay with your decision to go back to Lima? If you want to go back, then go back. If you need time there, take it. If you aren’t sure what you want or need, then you need time. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to fuck off. We both still have work to do.”

Finn sighed. “I’m sorry, and you can listen to that apology, because I need to say it. You’re right. I think I need to go back to Lima, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m scared to leave you, though. I just got you back. I can’t lose you again.”

“Finn, you won’t. No matter what else happens, I promise you no running. No retreat, baby, no surrender, right?”

“Right. No retreat, no surrender.” As Finn sat on Noah’s couch, looking at him, he just hoped it was true.

*******

Finn left New York two days later, and before his plane even took off, he wondered if he was making the wrong choice. He already felt the loss of Noah, and it hadn’t even been 2 full hours since he’d seen him. Shit.

Sam met him at the airport in Columbus again, and took him to what was now his house. Carole and Burt were heading back to DC in a few days, and then Finn would be living there alone.

If Sam were asked, he’d admit to being really confused. He didn’t understand why Finn came back. Everyone knew he and Noah needed to be together, so why weren’t they? How could they make things work if Finn was in Lima and Noah was in New York? Sam knew they were taking things slowly, but being six hundred miles apart is stopping, not slow.

And what was there for Finn in Lima? An empty house with his family in New York and DC? Sam would guess it was familiarity, but little else. It’s not like Finn would find a job here.

But Sam wasn’t asked, so he didn’t say anything. He knew Finn well enough to know that one day soon, he’d ask.

Sam would wait.

 

Finn was glad to be back in Lima, but strangely, it didn’t feel like home anymore. It was the same house that used to feel like home. The kitchen where his mom made all his favorite foods and Kurt cooked him breakfast all those Saturday mornings was the essentially the same. It had been updated, but the layout was the same. The family room had different furniture, but was still the family room where he and Noah and the other guys used to fight zombies on his Xbox. His bedroom still had his trophies, his awards, and the wall of photos that felt so welcoming when he first came back in March. Now it just felt like he was a grown man living in his childhood bedroom. The whole house felt that way, and that was unsettling.

He didn’t really feel like he had a home. He couldn’t bounce between Tana and Britt’s and Noah’s place long-term, and if Lima wasn’t it, then where? Shit.

Well, at least now he had time to think.

He unpacked, and went downstairs. His mom had cooked all his favorites again, which he appreciated. He didn’t appreciate the dinner conversation.

“So buddy, what’s next for you?” Burt asked.

“Hell if I know,” Finn said. “I’m kind of lost. Nothing feels right.”

“Really? Kurt said you and Noah were doing well, honey,” Carole said.

“We were, or are, or whatever, but I can’t just move in with him, or just bounce between there and Santana’s. Noah has things to work on. He still has a few months before he has a year sobriety, and that has to come first.”

“Okay, but who says you can’t get your own place in New York?” Burt said.

“What?” Finn said.

“Noah lives alone, right? Didn’t Rachel live alone for a bit? Why couldn’t you?” Burt said.

“Oh, well, I don’t know. I never even thought about that. I don’t know if I could even afford it, or would want to, or well, anything.” Finn was getting upset, but only because this presented a new option, and he was already confused.

“Well, it’s just something to think about, honey,” Carole said. “Take your time. You can stay here as long as you want, a few months, a few years – up to you. We just want you to make sure you are here because you’re happy, and not because you’re running.”

“Yeah, I get it, thanks.” God, he was pouting again. What the fuck is that? Finn figured Sophie and Lizzie pouted less than he did these days. 

 

Over the next few weeks, Finn tried to make Lima home. He hung out with Sam and Katie and their kids. He went to dinner at the Schuesters’, and had to leave early because of the noise. Will and Emma believed in letting kids be kids, and not ‘oppressing a child’s true nature’ by telling said child to be quiet. Finn thought there was probably something to that, but sweet lord, their house was insane. And was it not ‘oppressing a child’s true nature’ to not let them leave messes? Their house was loud, but really, really neat. 

Whatever. He just needed to leave. Bruce did too, after the youngest kid thought it would be fun to ride him like a pony. Bruce, who seriously was the coolest dog ever, looked at Finn, and Finn swore Bruce rolled his eyes. He knew that if Bruce could talk, he’d say, “Finn, dude, get me the fuck out of here, and fast.”

Finn left, saying it wasn’t in his service dog’s nature to be a toy or a pony, and said he’d maybe visit McKinley someday soon. 

If anything, this was just the start of Finn feeling like so many things had changed, and maybe there wasn’t a place for him in Lima. He just didn’t know where to go, or what to do when he got there.

*******

He talked to Noah often, and Noah didn’t push at all. Noah knew that whatever decision Finn made, he had to come to it on his own. Noah needed that, too. If Finn came to him, he needed to know that it was because Finn wanted him, wanted to live in New York, and not because anyone, especially him, pressured him into it.

May arrived, and with it, Andy’s birthday, May 17th. Finn didn’t know what to do about it. Last year, he spent it with Andy’s parents, who held a special memorial service, but their son had only died a few months prior. He didn’t know if he should call them, send a card, go visit, or what. He talked to Kurt, his mom and Burt, Sam, and even Noah, and in the end, decided to call them on the day.

He sat with Bruce on the couch in the family room, and made the call at about 8 pm ET, which was 7pm in Nashville, where Andy’s family lived. He wasn’t sure if they’d be working that day or not, but decided to wait until the evening, just in case. When Andy’s mother, Trish, answered, she started crying, but was really happy to hear from Finn.

“Oh Finn, honey. We were wondering if we’d hear from you today. It’s so good to hear your voice. How are you? Where are you?” Hearing her voice was bittersweet. It made him feel closer to Andy, but miss him more at the same time.

“Oh good, I wasn’t sure if I should call, actually. I’m in Lima now, staying at my parents’ house, though they are in DC. I’m doing okay. How are you and John doing?”

“We’re hanging in there, I guess. You know, good days and bad days. We went to his grave today, with Amanda and Allison, and talked to him. The girls told him if we didn’t hear from you that they’d call you later,” Trish said. Amanda and Allison were Andy’s sisters. Both were in their mid-20s, and adored their brother and Finn. 

“I’m sorry. I should have been keeping in touch more,” Finn said.

“No, no that’s not what I meant at all. You have a life you need to live. You are part of this family, Finn, but you aren’t obligated to it. We know it can’t be easy. You need to find a new life. Andy would want that for you. So tell me what’s happening in this new life of yours.”

Finn told her about Bruce, New York, his episodes, and even finding Noah again. He didn’t tell her that he and Noah loved each other, but Trish heard it in his voice.

“So it sounds like Noah is more than a friend?” She asked it softly, and without judgment. 

“Well, yes, kind of. That’s the truth. He’s been through a lot, and has some things he needs to work through before he can be in a relationship, and I don’t know that I’m ready yet, either,” Finn said.

“Finn, Andy loved you. If you’re hesitant because of Andy, don’t be. You and Andy had what many people never find, and I’m forever grateful that he had found that before he died, and that he found it with someone as wonderful as you. But Finn, you aren’t honoring that love by clinging to it now. Andy would want you to be happy. He’d want you to find it again, if you can,” Trish said.

“I’ll never have what I had with him, not even with Noah.”

“No, of course not. You and Noah are different than you and Andy. Your love will be different. That doesn’t mean it won’t be just as good, just as fulfilling, or make you just as happy.”

“You must be the fifth person to say that.”

“We must be really smart then,” Trish laughed. “Seriously though, Andy loved you beyond measure. He truly would want you to be happy, Finn. We all want that for you. It would take nothing away from what you shared with Andy if you find love again. It may not be with Noah, but if you find it again, grab it. And Finn, call us any time, come visit, do whatever you’re comfortable with. We live in Tennessee. It isn’t the end of the world.”

“Thanks, Trish, I appreciate it. I love you, and give my love to John, Amanda and Allison, okay?”

“Of course, and we love you, too.”

 

Finn was pensive after the call, and went for a walk with Bruce. He was beginning to realize that he was hiding from life, not living it. He just needed to figure out what he wanted to do in this new life of his, and that’s where he got stuck.

He walked back home, and gave Bruce a treat and a bath. He decided to check Facebook, so he settled on his bed, grabbed his iPad and noticed he had an email from Noah.

Noah was working on a song for his new album, and was having problems with the arrangement, or the lyrics, or something – he was beyond frustrated, and just knew it wasn’t working. He knew Finn hadn’t played in a bit, but wanted Finn to listen to see what he thought.

Well, it was better than Facebook, so he listened. Finn was no songwriter, but heard immediately what Noah was talking about. The bridge wasn’t working at all, so Finn played with it, thanks to a cool app he downloaded, then sent it back to Noah. He wasn’t sure it was what Noah wanted, but maybe it would help Noah get past whatever was hanging him up on it.

Ten minutes later, Noah called. 

“Finn, how did you do that?”

“What do you mean? I downloaded an app on my iPad. Wait, I’ll find out the name of it. Hold on.”

“No, I mean, it’s awesome! It’s fucking perfect. You know what this means, right?”

“Um no? That I don’t completely suck at something?”

Noah laughed. “Shut up. It means that you get a songwriter credit on it.”

“You don’t have to do that. It’s just one little part on the song.”

“Doesn’t matter. I do have to do it, but more so, I want to. You should get credit.”

“Well, that’s cool! Thanks, man!”

“No need to thank me. I should be thanking you. You saved this song, and my sanity.” Noah paused, then said, “How are you? Did you call Andy’s parents?”

“Yeah, I did, and thanks for suggesting that I do it. It went really well. His mom is awesome, and I’m glad I did.”

“Good, so what else is going on? Any more nightmare Schuester visits?” Noah asked.

“Ha ha and NO. I’m going to McKinley tomorrow, but I won’t be subjecting Bruce or myself to that again. I like both of us too much to do that.”

“Oh cool. What a trip that’ll be. It’s been years since I’ve been in that school.”

“Yeah, me too. I’ll take some pics for you, you know, ‘Sam in his element’ stuff. What are you up to lately?” Finn realized that they had been texting a lot, but not really talking about anything important.

“Just recording, or trying to, anyway. Going to meetings, and recording. I’ve seen Santana and Britt and Kurt and Blaine, too.”

Finn was happy to hear that. He was concerned that Noah would retreat back into himself, and he was glad that didn’t seem to be happening.

“That’s awesome. No Rachel?” Finn joked.

“Ha ha and no,” Noah quoted Finn’s words back to him, laughing. “Quinn and I are taking Beth out this weekend, though.”

“Oh really? How’d that happen?” Fuck, was this jealousy? No, Finn wasn’t a jealous person, and what was to be jealous about? He sat up and rested his elbows on his knees, held the phone in one hand, and his head in his other hand.

“Quinn has meetings this week and next in New York, so while she’s here, we’ve been seeing Beth. This weekend, we’re taking her out. Quinn keeps saying the zoo, but Beth says she’s too old for the zoo, so where is still anyone’s guess. I don’t care. It’ll be nice family time.”

Yep, that’s jealousy he was feeling. Family time. Fuck. Family time? They were a family? 

“Well. That’s um, great. For Beth. And you and Quinn, I guess. Have a great time. Have great family time.” Jesus, could he sound any more pathetic?

“What’s this? Are you jealous?” Noah laughed.

“What? No, I’m not jealous. Why would I be jealous? I mean, it’s Beth, and Quinn, and it is your family, so yeah, no, I’m not jealous.” Seriously, pathetic.

“Oh Finn. Yes, they are my family, but I don’t want Quinn. I love her, but as a friend or sister, like I love Santana and Brittany. There’s only one person I love and want these days.”

Finn’s insecurity was speaking so loudly he missed the point entirely. “Oh? Who’s the lucky person?” he asked as his heart broke into pieces.

“Finn, what’s happening to you? It’s you, of course.” Now Noah was concerned. He’d thought his feelings were clear and known.

“I don’t know, but if it helps, the thought of you with someone else kills me.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, I promise. I’m waiting for you. No pressure, but I’m waiting for you. You should know that. We’re waiting for each other.”

“Thanks, I’ll remember that.”

“You better. So now with this song, and your writing credit. There are some things you need to do.” 

They went on to talk about a songwriter’s agreement, Finn registering with BMI and ASCAP, the royalties (if there are any), and all the other legal stuff that started making Finn’s eyes glaze over. 

Noah laughed when it became clear Finn was done. “It’s okay, babe, we can do more of this tomorrow. Get some sleep, okay? And remember, I love you, and you’re a songwriter now.”

“I love you, too, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I just hope Ricky likes it.”

“He’ll love it. It’s genius. I’ll let you know tomorrow. Night, babe.”

“Night.”

Finn ended the call, and looked at Bruce. “Well, fuck me. I’m a songwriter.” Bruce lifted one eye, sighed, and went back to sleep. 

Finn decided he had the right idea, and went to bed himself.

*******

Finn went to McKinley, and was really impressed with it. He was mostly impressed with “Mr. Evans” and the New Directions. Sam really had grown into a great teacher, and was doing great things with the group, and had several Nationals trophies to prove it. When they ate lunch, Finn told him about the song, and how he was getting songwriting credit.

“Finn, that’s awesome! What happens now?” Sam was truly excited for Finn, and noticed that Finn was more excited about this than he’d been excited about anything since he’d been back, with the exception of seeing Noah again.

“Well, he’s playing it for his producer today, and they record it, I guess, if Ricky likes it. I had to register as a songwriter, and Noah and I signed a songwriter’s agreement to say we’ll split the royalties, and a bunch of other stuff.”

“Have you seen him record?”

“Yeah, a couple of times. I went to the recording studio.”

“Think he’d be able to get on Skype or something and talk to the New Directions about being a recording artist? Would you talk about what you’ve seen?”

Finn laughed. “I’m happy to talk to them, but seriously, I haven’t done anything yet. I’ll call Noah and see what he’s doing. You want to do it today?”

“If he can. If not today, then whenever. These kids have no idea what to do after they graduate. I know we didn’t either.”

“Mercedes hasn’t talked to them yet?” Finn was surprised. As far as success in the music industry, she was far ahead of Noah.

“No, she always says she’s too busy. Artie has talked to them about making movies, and Santana has talked to them about publicity, and Kurt and Blaine have talked to them about Broadway. I’d love Noah to talk to them.”

“Let me call him.”

Finn called, and Noah was thrilled to be asked, and even got Ricky to agree to answer some questions. Sam was beyond excited.

Later that day, he waked into the auditorium with Finn, and shouted, “Hey everyone, sit down, we have something really cool today!”

Finn said, “Are there normally this many students in New Directions?” Finn guessed around 75 students were in attendance.

Sam laughed, and said, “Oh no, this is all of our glee clubs. I invited them all for this. This is really important information for them to have.”

“Wow, Noah will love this,” Finn said.

Katie walked in, and gave Finn a hug. “It’s so nice of you to do this, Finn. The kids will love it.”

“Oh I’m not really doing anything. It’s really all Noah.”

“Yeah, but I hear you’re a songwriter now. That’s exciting.”

“One song, Katie. One song, and it was just fixing the bridge. It’s nothing. I swear,” Finn laughed.

“We’ll see, Finn. I sense there’s more to this.” 

Sam got the computer set up, and before he got Noah connected, he said, “Okay guys, I want to introduce you to someone really special. This is Finn Hudson. He’s a McKinley grad, back before it was an arts school. He was in the original New Directions, and was captain when they won their first Nationals. He’s also a decorated soldier, and Bruce the Wonder Dog is his service dog. He’s also one of my best friends, and he is just becoming a songwriter. He co-wrote a song with another McKinley grad that some of you may have heard of, Noah Puckerman.”

At that, the students started buzzing. Noah was well known across the country, but of course, being from Lima, he was a household name there.

“Let’s welcome Finn!”

There was applause and a couple of hoots from the students. 

“Thanks, everyone. It’s kind of a trip to be speaking here, since I used to sit where you’re sitting. I’m brand new – literally brand new, as in yesterday – to the songwriting world, but if I can help in anyway, I’d be happy to. I know Noah will be able to help. I’ve watched him record a few times, and know his producer, and they were excited to do this for you guys, even on short notice. So if Sam is ready,” Finn looked at Sam, who nodded, “and he is, then let me introduce another McKinley grad, Noah Puckerman!”

The screen came to life, and there was Noah’s face, smiling and about 5 feet big, against the background of the recording studio. It was like a punch to Finn’s gut, and he sat on the stool Sam had provided. He hadn’t realized how much he missed him. 

“Hey McKinley! Wow, look at the auditorium! It looks so small!”

Everyone laughed, and Sam said, “You should see your face. It’s huge!”

Finn said, “Don’t worry, I’m already taking a pic,” and everyone laughed again.

Will, who had come in while Finn was talking, said, “Oh my god, I feel like I’ve gone back in time with you guys.”

Noah said hello to the Schuesters, who he hadn’t seen in many years, and then asked Sam what he wanted to him to talk about.  
“Well, tell us about how you broke into the business, finding an agent, recording a song – really anything that you think that would have helped you before you got started.”  
Katie jumped in. “My students had questions about things not to do, as well. I just wanted to ask if you could include those, too.”  
“Of course, those are just as important. Good lord, where to start. Let’s see. When I left McKinley, I went out to LA determined to make it big, somehow. I had a pool cleaning business that I had started in Lima, and could always fall back on that for money, but I wanted to do something with music.”

Noah went on to tell the story of how he met his band mates playing in bars, and they formed The 5 and 20s, and how they started playing local bars until an agent saw them one night, and signed them. That agent got them playing bigger venues, and finally, a year or so later, someone at a record company heard them, and they got a record deal.

He talked about the recording process, which Ricky helped explain, touring, and ultimately, the band breaking up, and how he was now going solo.

After talking for about 20 minutes, he said, “God, you all must be bored of me talking. Can they ask questions, Sam?”

“Yep, they can. We have teachers in the audience with mics. If you have questions, go stand IN A LINE by one of them, and we will take turns. IN A LINE, guys,” he added as the students milled around in groups.

“Why do I suddenly feel like I’m back in school?” Noah asked.

“I know, right? I’m feeling the urge to do military chants myself,” Finn added.

“Ha ha guys, but seriously, Finn, if you think it will help, chant,” Mr. Schue said.

“No, I don’t think he should do that,” Noah said, thinking of Finn’s PTSD, “but how about if you guys can get into lines in the next 30 seconds, I’ll sing a sample from my next album?”

That worked. Finn laughed as the students suddenly formed straight lines, and some pushed other students into lines. 

“Noah, I’m calling you every day at lunch,” Mr. Schue said.

“Play his music in the halls like Sue used to play Madonna,” Finn said.

“Oh Finn, be quiet,” Mr. Schue groaned.

“Okay, question 1, from Missy, a senior, member of New Directions,” Sam said.

“Hi Noah, thanks so much for doing this. Can you tell us what your biggest challenge has been?”

“Hi Missy, great question. My biggest challenge was not making stupid mistakes. I fell into the same thing a lot of other performers do, and started using drugs. Today is my 315th sober day.” He paused as everyone clapped. “My advice would be to have a strong support system, and don’t forget you have those people. I had them, and forgot. This is for anyone, no matter who you are, or what you do. There is always someone there to help you. If you can’t find someone, ask Mr. Evans. Seriously. Our New Directions experienced everything, and I mean everything. We had teen pregnancy, homophobia, bullying, racism, sexism, bad parents, dead parents, gay parents, step-parents, step-families, bad grades, juvie, every relationship issue possible, and who knows what else. If Mr. Evans can’t help you, I promise you, he knows someone who can. He can call one of us.”

“Oh my god, is that true? You guys had all that?” Missy asked.

“Achievement!” Noah said, and raised his fists.

Sam laughed. “Yes, and then some. He’s right, though. Find me, or Mrs. Evans. We know people.”

Katie took the next question. “This is Mark, he’s a junior, member of New Directions.”

“Noah, you sound like you and your New Directions are still really close friends. Is that true?”

“Hi Mark. Yeah, most of us are, in some ways. If we aren’t directly in touch, then we’re in touch with someone who is directly in touch with that person. For instance, I haven’t talked to Mike, one of our guys, in awhile, but I know that Britt has, and I just saw her two days ago. Finn hasn’t talked to Mercedes in a bit, but Kurt talks to her frequently, and Finn and Kurt talk all the time. So yeah, either directly or indirectly, we’re still all really close. Facebook helps, too.”

Mr. Schue took the next question. “This is Sofia, a sophomore, in the Troubletones.”

“Well, my question was going to be for Noah, but maybe I can ask two? Cause I just realized that Finn is Kurt Hummel-Anderson’s brother? That’s true, right?” She clapped her hands rapidly, and did a little jump.

Finn and Noah laughed, and Mr. Schue groaned. “Finn, your question, if you want to answer it,” Mr. Schue said.

“Sure, I don’t mind. Yes, Sofia, that’s true. He’s my brother. I take it you like him? Is anyone recording this? Kurt will love it.”

“Recording,” Sam said, chuckling.

“Ohmygod, I love him. I’ve even gone to see some of his plays, and his husband - Oh so you know Blaine, too?”

“Well, yes. He’s my brother-in-law, so yeah. I’ve known them both for many years now,” Finn said wryly.

“Sofia, did you have a question?” Mr. Schue tried to get her back on track.

“Oh um, yeah, but seriously, Kurt and Blaine, so cute!” Mr. Schue rolled his eyes. “Anyway, my question for Noah. What did your band name mean? We’ve been trying to Google it, and can’t find it.”

Noah looked to find Finn, and Finn just shrugged. “Up to you,” was all Finn said.

“Wow Sofia, you know, no journalist ever thought to ask me that question, and they should have, because if I’d have answered it honestly, they’d have gotten quite a scoop. The numbers 5 and 20 were jersey numbers for football, for myself and my best friend.”

All the girls, and some of the guys, in the audience said a collective, “Awww”. Mr. Schue’s eyes got really big, as if he hadn’t put those pieces together before. Finn and Noah just watched each other, as if no one else was there. It was obvious, at least to those who knew them, that there was love there. It was probably obvious to everyone.

“Who was that?” Sofia asked, clearly missing the moment.

“Sofia, that’s probably private,” Mr. Schue said.

“No, that’s okay,” Finn said. “My football number was 5. Noah and I played football for McKinley before it was an arts school. We’ve been best friends since we were little kids.”

“Okay, next question,” Emma said. “This is Steven, a senior in the New Directions.

“So Finn, how did you end up with songwriter credit on Noah’s song?”

“Good question, and one I’m still trying to wrap my head around. He was having a hard time with one of his songs, and he sent it to me, and asked for my opinion. He said if I could figure it out, go for it. So I downloaded an app onto my iPad, and played around for a bit, and fixed the bridge, and that was it. I sent it back, he liked it, and now I get credit. Whole thing took maybe an hour.”

“Finn, why don’t you share your musical background with everyone?” Emma asked.

“Well, sure. Like Sam, um, Mr. Evans said, I was in the New Directions, but before that, I was a drummer. I’ve played drums since I was a kid. After graduating, I went into the army, and after awhile, formed a band with some other people. I drummed in that, and sang some. Obviously, we did more soldiering than playing music, so it was just for fun. And now I’m apparently a songwriter.”

They answered quite a few more questions, then wrapped it up. The final question came from a senior named Trevor.

“So this is for Finn and Noah, and even Mr. Evans, if he wants to answer it,” he said with a laugh. “What was your favorite thing about McKinley, and what would you do differently if you could do it over?”

“I abstain,” Sam said immediately.

“Good call,” Will said.

“Aww really? So not cool, Mr. Evans,” Trevor said.

“Fine. I loved all of my teachers, and I’d study more,” Sam said sarcastically. “Happy now?”

Trevor just laughed, and looked at Finn and Noah expectantly.

“I’ll go first, I guess,” Finn said. “My favorite thing about McKinley was Glee, and football was a close second. Glee was my favorite because I could finally be in a place where it was safe to be who I was, or at least as much of myself as I would let myself be. It was a group of people who I knew would have my back in the hallways, even if we fought in the choir room ten minutes before. I still have those people, and they still have my back.” He looked at Sam, Katie and then Noah, and smiled.

“If I could change anything, I’d be braver. A lot braver. Being popular doesn’t matter once you get out of high school. No one cares about that, I swear. It doesn’t matter in college, at work, in the military, or whatever you end up doing. I cared for too long what people would think of me, so I’d be braver and not give a fu… a fig what they thought.”

“Nice save, Finn, and nice answer. Noah?” Mr. Schue said.

“My answers would be almost identical to Finn’s. Glee was definitely my favorite, for Finn’s reasons, but I also learned so much about myself there, and thanks to Rachel Berry, learned I could carry a solo or be the leading man. I learned to stick up for the underdog, and not pick on him or her. I learned that it just made me an ass to do that. Oh can I say ass?”

“Yes, that’s fine,” Sam said, laughing.

“Thanks, I’m trying hard not to say anything bad. It’s not easy,” he said as everyone laughed. “Anyway, I’d be braver, too, not only in not caring what people thought, which is totally true for me, but even in my badassness, I never thought I was good enough. Because of that, I didn’t try a lot of things, and I missed out. So I’d have been braver and just tried.”

“Noah, what do you think you missed out on?” Emma asked.

“Well, maybe some solos, and I wanted to try out for Tony in West Side Story. Not saying Blaine didn’t rock Tony, and Bernardo was awesome, but I didn’t try. I should have.”

“Great answers, guys, and thanks so much!” Emma said, giving a thoughtful look to Will. She knew they were both guilty of pigeonholing kids, and she hoped these answers got him to see that.

“We need to let Noah go, but if anyone has any questions for Finn, maybe he can hang around for a bit?” Sam said.

“Mr. Evans, I thought Noah was going to sing since we all stood in a straight line,” Sofia called out.

“Oh yeah, I did promise that. Sure, if it’s okay with Mr. Evans,” Noah said.

“Oh sure, go ahead. Want me to stop recording?”

“Yeah, please. And cell phones down. My producer will hurt me if this gets out.”

Noah played part of the song that Finn had worked on, and hearing it from Noah, with the lyrics and Finn’s bridge, was breathtaking for Finn. Just knowing he was a part of it was really cool.

When Noah was finished, everyone stood and cheered, and Noah made sure that Finn got some of the credit, which only made Finn blush and scoff.

“Really, I didn’t do much. What you hear is so much of Noah, and so little of me.”

“Whatever,” Sam said. “It’s a great song, and I’m sure we’ll be hearing it all soon! Thanks so much for doing this. It’s been great! I can’t thank you enough! Everyone, let’s thank Finn, Noah and Ricky, if he’s still there.”

As the students filed out, Sam said, “Noah, can we call you in five minutes? I have a couple of questions before I upload this anywhere.”

“Sure, works for me.”

Finn and Sam walked back to Sam’s office, and Sam closed the door. 

“Do you realize that you and Noah just came out, and that if I upload this, you’ll come out to the world, not only as gay and/or bi, but quite likely as a couple? You may not have said it, but it’s pretty obvious.”

“Ohh shit, no I didn’t think about that. I mean, I don’t care, but who am I? No one cares about me, but they might care about him. Can you edit that part out if he wants you to?”

“Of course. I just need to know what he wants.”

They called Noah, and Finn explained what Sam’s concerns were. Noah didn’t care, for himself.

“I’m not that big of a celebrity, but I didn’t think about you, Finn. Will you be able to handle it if there is press about this? You’re in Lima now, they’ll be able to find you.”

“Oh fuck it, I’m so tired of being scared. Just post it, and we’ll see what happens. If anything big happens, I’ll just go to New York, or hide at Sam’s or something. Does that work for you, Noah?”

“Works for me. Most people don’t care about this shit any more anyway. It’s still only the conservative freaks like Ted Cruz and those idiots who keep trying to run for president. The religious right numbers have dwindled way down, and most people know it’s just stupid. Post it.”

“Will do. I’ll text you both the link when it’s up. Thanks so much for doing this. We had nothing like this, and it would have been so helpful. Can the kids really contact you if they need anything?” Sam asked.

“Sure, they can contact me, but maybe you can triage the questions, so I’m not getting bombarded with ‘does he like me’ and ‘should I cut my hair’ crap?” Noah said.

“Yeah, agreed. If they come through you, that’s okay with me, too. I’m sure the others will feel the same,” Finn said.

“Awesome, that’s how we’ll do it. I have to go post this and make sure the auditorium isn’t a disaster. Thanks again, really.”

“I loved it, so thank you. Made me feel like a badass rock star. I’ll do it again, any time,” Noah said.

“Same,” Finn said.

They said goodbye to Sam, and Finn left, and Noah hung up.

*******

Finn felt like he’d had his best day in a long time. He felt like he was a contributing member of society again, like he made a difference, even if it was a small one.

He went home, fed Bruce, and thought about cooking himself some dinner. He decided not to push his luck, and ordered some take out. While he waited for it, he called Kurt to tell him about his fan, Sofia.

“You should have heard her, Kurt. It was hilarious,” he said, after explaining the day and how the students got to ask questions. “She was all, ‘Wait, you know Kurt! He’s your brother! He’s soooo dreamy. Ohmigod, you know Blaine, too?’”

“Well, I am dreamy, but why would she not think you know Blaine? He’s your brother-in-law.”

“Kurt, they’re kids. I don’t know,” Finn laughed. “She said she’s gone to see some of your plays, though.”

“Aww we have a fangirl. How cute. I’ll have to tell Blaine. Tell Sam to tell her that the next time she’s coming to New York, we’ll get her free tickets if we have a show. We’ll even Skype with her to tell her.”

“Oh hell, I’m telling her that. She’ll just DIE,” Finn said in a high-pitched squeal. “I don’t know how you deal with teen girl fans.”

“Well, they pay ticket prices, so they can squeal all they want, and it’s cute. Besides, if you keep songwriting, you may end up with some yourself.”

“Oh yeah, ‘cause the songwriter always gets the screaming fans,” Finn said sarcastically. 

“True, but you never know what could happen. Have you made any decisions?”

“No, but I really enjoyed today. I don’t know if it was just that I was actually doing something, but it felt good. It was my first really good day in a long time.”

“That’s really good to hear, Finn. I’m happy for you.”

“Dinner’s here, but I’ll send you the link for today later, okay? See ya.”

 

While Finn ate, Sam texted the link, and Finn watched the video after forwarding it to Kurt. 

A few things struck him in particular. The first, obviously, was how hot Noah looked. He was so confident, so sure, when he talked about his music, and that was really sexy. It was clear that Noah was doing what he was meant to be doing. Finn envied that.

Sam was also in his element. “Mr. Evans” was exactly where he was supposed to be, too. He was great with his students, and they clearly respected him. 

The other thing he noticed was how happy he himself looked. He looked like he was having fun. Actual fun. He was relaxed, and laughing, and it hit him then that he was in a crowd of people and didn’t have one episode. He noticed that Bruce was sleeping at his feet. Was it working with kids? Being with his friends? Talking about music? He’d have to figure that out.

He also noticed what Sam mentioned. It was obvious by watching that Noah and he were more than just friends. Really obvious. 

His phone rang, and he saw that it was Kurt. Laughing, he picked up his phone.

“How’d you like your fangirl?”

“Yeah, yeah, she’s adorable, of course, and has great taste. Finn, you and Noah just came out to the world. Do you realize that?”

“Oh, that. Yeah, we talked about that with Sam. No one knows me, so I don’t care at all, and Noah didn’t care either. Even if anyone watches this, it’s 2022. Only a few conservative freaks still care about this shit. Maybe it will help someone. Noah hasn’t really hidden anything, really. He just never proclaimed it. He isn’t really doing that now, either. He just said we’re best friends, though it’s not a stretch to read more into it.”

“Okay, I was just checking. You’re right that it’s only the few ultra-conservative people that care now, but still. It’s often those that are the loudest, and meanest. Anyway, great job, both of you. It was really interesting, and the kids loved it. The song is fantastic. You did the bridge?”

“Yeah, just a small part, but the song is great. I can’t wait for you to hear all of it.”

“Have you thought about writing? The bridge is excellent, Finn.”

“No, I figured that was a one-off. What would I write about?”

Kurt laughed. “Oh gee, let me think. You have no life experiences at all. You could write about loving your high school friend, losing a love, being true to yourself, getting through hard times, losing a parent, fighting a war. Hell, write about Bruce.”

“Well, I’ve never written a song,” Finn said.

“You wrote ‘Pretending’ in high school.”

“That doesn’t count.”

“Why not? Even if it doesn’t, which it does, there was a time when Bruce Springsteen had never written a song, either. Everyone has a first day for everything, Finn. If it interests you, just try.”

So what did he and Noah say earlier? They’d try more things. Okay, so he’d try.

 

Well, he’d try if his phone would stop ringing. 

 

“Hi Mom.”

“Hi honey, Kurt sent us the link of the talk you and Noah gave today. You guys were so good! Did you enjoy it?”

“Yeah, it was actually really fun. Did you see Sofia?”

“Yes, she’s adorable, but I was calling to talk to you, about you. Tell me about this song.”

“It’s really not a big deal, Mom. Noah was stuck, so he asked for help, and I helped. It’s just one small part of the song.”

Carole sighed. “But I hear you are getting credit for it? That you had to register with agencies?”

“Yes, that’s all true.”

“Did you enjoy doing it?” Carole asked.

“I did, Mom, and Kurt and I have already talked about it. I said I’d try more. I got the whole speech, including that there was once a day that Bruce Springsteen hadn’t written any songs.”

“You’ve written a song before, the one in high school.”

Finn sighed. “That doesn’t count. I don’t know why everyone keeps mentioning that.”

Carole laughed. “Because it counts. So what you’re saying is that this call was unnecessary?”

“A little bit, but I love you for trying.”

“I love you, too, honey.”

 

Noah called next.

“Hey, nice job today. That was fun, doing that with you,” Finn said.

“Yeah, it was a blast, but that’s not why I’m calling. Ricky loved the bridge, and we’re using it.”

Finn sat in silence for a moment, taking that in. He hadn’t really allowed himself to think that it would be used, so to hear it for sure was surprising.

“Really?” That was all he could manage.

“Oh, babe. Don’t tell me you thought we’d hate it. You’re better than that.”

“Well, I didn’t know. I’ve never written a song before.”

“Yes, you have. You wrote “Pretending’ in high school for Nationals.”

“That doesn’t count.”

“Yes, it does,” Noah laughed. “You had to know we’d like this.”

“I didn’t, really.”

“Well, now you know. Deal with it.”

Finn grinned. “I guess I have to. I’m a big shot songwriter now.”

“There’s the Finn I know and love. Have you talked to Kurt about his fangirl?”

“Yeah, he’s going to get her free tickets the next time she goes to New York.”

“Wow, that’s really cool of him,” Noah said.

“Yeah, she’ll be thrilled. I’m going to McKinley tomorrow to tell her.”

“Brace yourself. She may jump on you,” Noah laughed.

“That’s okay. I liked working with the kids today. I don’t know if it means I want to be a teacher, or if I just want to work with kids somehow, or whatever, but it was fun. I also really enjoyed the music part of it. I have all these ideas swimming around, and I feel like I can’t find land.”

“Can’t you do all of it somehow? Feed all parts of your soul? Maybe teach music to troubled kids, or write songs, or play, or however you want to do it, and volunteer with kids? Maybe work with kids with PTSD?”

Oh. Finn hadn’t thought of that. Finn knew all about PTSD. 

“Yeah, like music therapy?” Finn asked.

“Yeah, as a profession, or volunteer, or however it moves you. I imagine there’d be certifications and whatnot if you did it as a profession, but you’re smart. You could get those. There are places everywhere that work with kids, so volunteer if you want to try it. I won’t lie and say I don’t want you in New York, but that’s up to you.”

“Thanks. Really. Who’d have thought we’d be starting over at almost 30?”

“Oh fuck off with the ‘almost 30’ shit. We have almost two years, dude,” Noah laughed. “Don’t age us.”

“Yeah, yeah. Hey, I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

*******

Finn went to McKinley the following day, and met with Sam and Sofia in Sam’s office. She was nervous, thinking she was in trouble for something, but when she saw Kurt and Blaine on Skype, she screeched, as predicted, and jumped into Finn’s arms.

“Ohmigod, it’s Kurt and Blaine! You DO know them!”

“Well, I told you I did,” Finn laughed. “Kurt and I are actually brothers. Mr. Evans knows them, too. We all went to high school here together. Mr. Evans and Blaine are best friends.”

“WHAT? Mr. Evans, you never told me that!” Sofia screeched.

“I never thought about it,” Sam mumbled. “Thanks, Finn.”

“Sofia? Sofia! Are you with us?” Kurt asked.

“Oh yeah, sorry,” Sofia said, as she sat back down in her chair across from Sam.

“We wanted to thank you for being such a dedicated fan of our work,” Kurt began, but Sofia started clapping her hands and screeching again.

“Sofia, you’re going to want to listen to this,” Blaine added, laughing.

“Okay, I’ll listen. I’ll be quiet.” Sofia sat with her hands primly in her lap, and was quiet, at least for the moment. Finn and Sam looked at each other and smiled, as they knew what was coming.

“The next time you come to New York, we’re going to make sure you have free tickets to our show,” Kurt said, and paused as Sofia made meeping sounds. “You okay? It gets better.”

Sofia nodded silently. 

“Okay good,” Blaine said. “In addition to the tickets, you’ll be able to come backstage and meet us, and other actors, possibly.”

Sofia remained silent. Finn laughed, and said, “It’s okay, they’re done.”

She bounced out of her chair and did a dance around Sam’s office. “Ohmigod, are you kidding? This is so awesome!”

She went around Sam’s desk, hugged Sam, hugged Finn, and blew kisses at Kurt and Blaine. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh this is the best day ever!”

“You’re welcome, Sofia,” Kurt said, laughing.

“Ohmigod, this is so cool! Can I go tell my friends now?” She asked Sam.

“Yes, you can go,” he said.

“Thanks again! Really, thanks so much! I love you guys!” With that, she bounced out of the office. 

“Is anyone else exhausted?” Kurt asked. “She has more energy than the twins combined.”

“Yes, she does, but she’s a good kid,” Sam said. “Thanks for doing this. She wants to be on Broadway, and knowing that people from Lima have made it can make all the difference.”

“Anytime, Sam. Happy to help. Talk soon!” They signed off, and Finn sat down to talk to Sam.

“I want to do that, make differences in kids’ lives. I know Sofia isn’t at risk, but this little thing can make all the difference. I just need to figure out how to do it. Noah suggested maybe music therapy for kids with PTSD. I don’t know if I want to do it full time, as a profession, or volunteer, but it’s something I need to do.”

“Finn, I think it’s perfect for you. Do some research; find out what’s needed for each. Try writing some songs. Take your time, and figure it out. You can come here anytime.”

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”

*******

Finn did some research. He found out that he’d have to get a degree in Music Therapy if he wanted to do music therapy as a profession, which was okay, but he wasn’t sure he wanted, or could, do school. There were probably some online options, but at some point, he’d have to go sit in a class, and he wasn’t sure how that would work. Something to think about, anyway.

He also found out there were a bunch of places in New York that offered music programs for at-risk kids. There was nothing in Lima. Something else to think about. Should he start something, or join something that already existed?

Songwriting. He guessed the spirit would have to move him, and he wasn’t so moved, at least not at the moment. 

As a few weeks passed, Finn knew he was stagnating. He had no idea what he was doing, but he knew that making progress was one thing he wasn’t doing.

He tried writing some songs, but all he knew was that they sucked. Well, parts of them sucked, or maybe all of them did. How was he was supposed to know? One was about going back home after being away for a long time, and all he could think about was how often that had been done by other more talented artists, and the other was about reconnecting with a lost love. Also done a million times. 

He called Noah to let him know he was sending them, just to get his opinion. Noah didn’t answer, so he left a message. 

Dinner was just mac and cheese and hot dogs, because yes, this is all he can really cook. He thought about taking cooking classes. He needed to learn how to cook better food for himself. He was an adult, for god’s sake.

He played some video games, then checked Facebook. He was waiting for Noah to call back, and convinced himself that Noah hated the songs, and didn’t want to tell him. He went to bed feeling decidedly sorry for himself.

When he got up the next morning, the first thing he did was check his phone. No calls or texts from Noah. That was weird. He didn’t think the songs sucked that badly. He was starting to get mildly concerned. Maybe Noah was sick.

It was Saturday, and he’d made plans to go to Sam’s, so he ate breakfast, fed Bruce, and took a shower. He went to Sam’s, and played with the kids, and talked to Sam and Katie about Noah and the songs.

“Can we hear them, Finn?” Katie asked. 

Finn hesitated. He’d wanted Noah to be the first to hear them, but maybe Sam and Katie could tell him if they sucked, and then he’d know if that’s why Noah was avoiding him.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Finn got his iPad from his bag, and played them the songs. Halfway through the first one, about coming home again, Katie had tears in her eyes. It was a ballad, but had a rock edge to it, and Finn wasn’t sure if she was crying because she was moved, or because she hated it.

When it was over, he said, “Are you crying because it sucks so bad?”

“Shut up, Finn, and play me the other one,” Katie said, but she said it kindly.

The second one was more alternative than rock, but also told a really touching story. Katie was also crying through this one.

When the song ended, Sam said, “Finn, these are great. I mean, really great. You have real talent here.”

“Thanks, so then why isn’t Noah calling me?”

“Good question. Let me try him.”

Sam also had to leave a message, which he did while frowning.

“So at what point do we worry?” Finn asked.

“Given his history, I’d say now,” Katie said. “Call someone, like Kurt or Santana, and have them go check on him.”

“Good idea,” Finn said.

He called Santana, thinking Noah may be more receptive to her than Kurt, and Santana said she’d go over immediately.

“You’re fucking right I’ll go check. He can’t just not answer. He’s not doing this shit to us again. I’ll call you when I get there,” Santana said.

About 45 minutes later, Santana called. 

“He’s not here, or he’s hiding inside. I talked to his neighbor, who said she hadn’t seen him in a couple of days.”

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Shelby! I’ll call Shelby.” Finn said. “I’ll keep you posted.”

Finn called Shelby, who said she hadn’t seen or heard from him in a couple of days, and had left him a message the day before, and he hadn’t called her back. She promised to let Finn know if she heard from him.

Finn hung up the phone, and looked at Sam. “She hasn’t heard from him, either.”

“Damn,” Sam said, then he noticed that Finn was starting to panic. He was sweating, and his eyes were glazed over. Bruce jumped up and started licking Finn’s hand.

“Shit. Okay, Finn, we haven’t done this, but we’ll get through this. Blaine said you do breathing stuff, so let’s breathe. Follow my breaths, okay? In and out, that’s good.” Shit, he hoped he was doing this right. “Finn, we’re in my house, in Lima, sitting in the living room. It’s just you and me. Katie is upstairs with the kids, putting them down for a nap. Keep breathing, in and out. You still with me, Finn?” After a few minutes, he noticed Finn’s eyes had lost the glaze, and his breathing was better.

Finn nodded. 

“What do you need? Water? Want to talk about it?” Sam asked.

“Water, and my bag,” Finn whispered.

“On it.”

Sam practically ran to the kitchen, and got a cold bottle of water, and grabbed Finn’s bag, and ran back to the living room, then handed both to Finn. Finn got a treat out of his bag for Bruce, and drank some water.

After a couple of minutes, Finn looked up at Sam, and said, “I’m so sorry.”

“Finn, I love ya, man, but shut up. You can’t help it, so I don’t want to hear it, okay?”

Finn just nodded. 

Finn left Sam’s a little while later, and went home. He was worried about Noah, and just didn’t know what to do. He called Kurt to let him know, and Kurt promised he’d call Noah to see if he’d pick up, and would call back if he did. Kurt didn’t call back.

*******

Two days passed. No one heard from Noah. Finn thought about calling Joe, Noah’s sponsor, but due to NA anonymity, he didn’t even know Joe’s last name.

Later that day, however, Joe called Finn. 

“Hey Finn? This is Joe, Noah’s sponsor. I was wondering if you’d talked to him recently.”

“Joe, I’m so glad you called. I haven’t, and no one else has either. It’s been three days, and we’ve been talking every day. I’m so worried. I don’t know whether to think he’s using, or sick or worse somewhere.”

“Does anyone have a key to his apartment?” Joe asked.

“Oh fuck, I do. He gave it to me when I was staying with him so much. I’ll get on the next plane,” Finn said.

“Just wait. I’m on my way over there now. I’ll knock, and threaten that if he doesn’t answer, you’ll come and let yourself in. If that doesn’t work, then you can come. I’ll call you back soon.”

“Thanks, Joe.”

 

Finn waited an hour and a half, and Joe called him back.

“I’m with him. He was at home. He hasn’t used, but he’s in a bad place, and I’m not sure what happened. Want to try talking to him?” Joe asked.

“Of course,” Finn said, and waited for Noah.

“Hey,” Noah said. “I fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Oh babe, no. Well, okay, maybe, but who cares? You’re alive. That’s all we care about. What happened? We were so worried.”

“My asshole father called.”

“What? What did he want after all these years?” Finn asked.

“Money. One of his asshole friends from Lima saw the news article about the talk we did, and called him, and he thought that since he had a famous rock star son, he could hit me up for money. When I said no, he launched into an awesome attack of how I must not be his because no son of his could be a faggot who likes to take it up the ass, and it would make sense, because my mother was nothing but a slut anyway.”

“Oh Noah, I’m so sorry.”

“I didn’t use, though. I just sat here, wallowing in my pity.”

“That’s awesome, babe. Good for you,” Finn said.

“It’s true. I took a test for Joe.” Noah felt the need to convince Finn, though he wasn’t sure why.

“Noah, I believe you.”

“Fuck, you really do, don’t you? I shit on you yet again, and you just believe me. Can I come see you?”

“Of course. Come whenever. I’ll pick you up at the airport myself.”

“Can you look for meetings for me?” Noah asked quietly.

“On it. Just get here, okay?”

 

Noah arrived two days later. Finn met him at the Columbus airport, and when he saw him, he just held him. After a few moments, Finn felt people staring, and looked up to see a couple of girls pointing, and heard one say, “I think that’s Noah Puckerman!” He let go of Noah, and they got in the car to go home.

When they arrived at Finn’s house, Noah walked in, and said, “Wow, it’s all the same, but really different, too. It’s weird.”

“Yeah, welcome to being an adult living in your childhood home.”

“It’s kind of a trip, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s one way to describe it. Come on, let’s put your stuff upstairs.”

 

Noah laughed as he went upstairs. All the pictures were still the same, as Carole still had Finn and Kurt’s senior photos hanging in the hall, along with Kurt and Blaine’s wedding photo. 

“It’s like going back in time, isn’t it?” Noah asked.

“You haven’t even seen my room yet. Just wait.”

They walked into Finn’s room, and Noah burst out laughing. “Jesus, Finn, it’s almost the same. Different bedding, and a fuck of a lot cleaner, but the rest is the same. Look at your football and glee stuff. This is hilarious.”

“It really is. I felt like I was a kid walking back in here. If I decide to stay, I need to change this.”

Noah noticed the photo of them from Nationals sitting on Finn’s nightstand, and it warmed his heart.

“Aww you framed it and everything,” he said.

“Well, yeah,” Finn said.

Noah pulled Finn into a kiss. “Damn, it’s good to see you. I’m really sorry I did the disappearing thing again.”

“Yeah, well, that sucked, but Noah, you didn’t remember your support system. Why?”

“I remembered you, but my father fucks me up. I don’t know how else to explain it.” 

“Well, now you have his number. I hope you blocked it.”

“I did. I also know that when he calls next time, because he will call again, from another number, I just need to hang up as soon as he calls,” Noah said.

“Yes, you do. Hungry?”

“Yes, is it weird that I want Breadstix?” Noah asked.

“It is, but let’s go. Want to call Sam?”

“Sure.”

 

It was good for Noah to see Sam again, Finn thought. It was another reminder that his friends didn’t consider him a fuck up, that he had people who cared about him, who understood him. They had an easy, relaxed time, and Noah felt some of his despair lift.

After dinner, Sam went home to Katie and the kids, and Noah and Finn went back to Finn’s. They decided to watch some Netflix, and put on Artie’s latest film that had just been released. They still got a thrill seeing their friend’s name on screen, and really enjoyed the movie, which was about a young woman who travels the country in search of her birth mother.

They were tired after, so went upstairs to bed. After brushing their teeth, Noah asked Finn where he wanted him to sleep.

“What? Aren’t you sleeping with me?” Finn asked, clearly confused.

“I didn’t know, after what I pulled, doing the disappearing act again. I figured you were pissed.”

“Oh I was pissed. I was so pissed, once I found out you were okay. But I get it, babe. I get that it gets to be too much sometimes, and needing to retreat from the world. But babe, if you ever retreat from me again, I’m going to have to hurt you just a little bit. If you need time, that’s okay, but tell me.”

“Got it, babe. So you aren’t mad?”

“No, not any more. I love you, and was looking forward to sleeping next to you.”

“You’re such a sap,” Noah laughed. “I like that about you.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Get in my bed already.”

Noah was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and was asleep before Finn had a chance to turn the light off. He watched him sleep for a few moments, noticing how peaceful Noah looked, finally. Finn turned the light off, and climbed in next to Noah, and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

*******

They both slept in a bit the following morning, Friday, and Finn woke up when Bruce started nudging him.

“Hey buddy, gotta go outside? Okay, I’ll get up.”

Even at 8:30, Finn knew it was going to be a hot June day, and wondered if Lima had a public pool, and if they did, could Noah go there and relax without being mobbed. Ah, the price of fame, Finn laughed to himself.

He got some cereal, and ate, checking Facebook, and suddenly he remembered that Noah hadn’t listened to his songs. With everything else going on, he had forgotten all about it. Oh well, they were probably shit, and it was a sign from the universe or some such thing that it wasn’t meant to be. 

Noah got up a little while later, and poured some coffee, and ate some cereal, too. Noah asked him what the plan was for the day, and other than Finn’s call with Mark, his therapist, they had no plans.

“Did you have something in mind?” Finn asked.

“I can’t decide if I want to go by my old house or not. I can’t figure out if it would be a good way to let go of things, or just another kick in my ass,” Noah said.

“Well, let’s just see how you feel. We can if you want, or not. It’s up to you.”

“It’s kinda too bad that school’s out for the summer. We could have gone to see the school. That would have been a trip.”

“Sam said that for summer school, they are offering classes for kids who want more private lessons, or something, so I think it’s open. Want me to call Sam? If it’s open, we can go, I’m sure,” Finn said.

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

Finn called Sam, and school was indeed open for the day, and they decided they go after lunch, and surprise some of the kids.

 

Finn had his call, and they went to lunch, then to McKinley. 

Sam met them at the door, and as they were walking down the hall to the choir room, they ran into Emma.

“Noah! It’s so good to see you!” She gave him a hug, and Noah returned it warmly. She’d always tried to help him, and it wasn’t her fault that she didn’t know how bad things were at home. No one really did. Carole knew some of it, but even she didn’t know the extent.

“What are you guys doing here?” She asked.

“Just coming to see Sam, and I wanted to see how it looked now,” Noah said.

“That’s great. There are some kids here, and they’ll be really excited to see you,” Emma said. “Will is around here somewhere, too.”

Noah tried not to roll his eyes. He didn’t hold any hard feelings towards Will, but looking back on high school, Noah knew that Will was largely ineffective in a lot of ways, and could have stopped a lot of his students from feeling beaten down. He had his favorites, and overlooked a shocking amount of bullying, like most of the McKinley faculty.

“We’ll look for him,” Noah said diplomatically.

Emma’s phone rang, so she said goodbye, and the guys walked to the choir room. 

“I think Trevor and Steven are in there, as well as Kurt’s fangirl, Sofia. They all asked questions when you did your talk. They’ll be so excited. They haven’t stopped talking about it,” Sam said.

“That’s really cool,” Finn said.

“Yeah, it is,” Noah said quietly. He knew he had some fans of his music, but hearing that his words and thoughts had an impact on people was really moving for him. He hadn’t stopped to consider that what he had to say, or what he thought, ever really mattered to anyone outside his small circle.

They walked in the choir room, and Sofia screeched. 

“Ohmigod, it’s Noah Puckerman!”

“Well, I’m no Kurt Hummel-Anderson, but I’m glad you’re excited to see me,” Noah laughed.

“Excited? Ohmigod, this is like the best day ever! What are you doing here? Are you here to help us? Can I get a pic with you? Ohmigod, I have to text Alicia. She is going to die!” She said this in one long breath, and Finn looked stunned.

“Sofia, are you okay? You’re going to hyperventilate if you keep doing that,” he said. “How do you say so much so fast?”

“It’s a talent, Finn,” Sam said.

“Sure, I can offer some advice, but can I say hello to the others? Trevor, right? And Steven? Good to see you both. Didn’t you graduate?”

“Yeah, we both did,” Trevor said. “We’re here just getting some practice time in before college.”

“Awesome. Where are you going?” Noah asked.

“I’m going to Tisch, and Trevor is going to UCLA,” Steven said proudly.

“Wow, great schools,” Finn said. “Good for you.”

Noah talked with all three students, and found out Trevor was thinking about doing film scoring, and Steven wanted to be an actor. Sofia was only going into her junior year, but already knew she wanted to go to NYADA or Tisch.

Finn laughed. “You should really talk to Kurt about that. He graduated from NYADA. I’m sure he’ll have tips or something.”

For once, Sofia was calm. “I already have. He friended me on Facebook.” She said this like she became friends with Broadway stars everyday, and even she laughed after she said it. “I screamed when he did,” she admitted.

They hung around for awhile, then went walking through the halls, and of course, ran into Will. 

“Noah! Emma said you were here! It’s great to see you!” Will said as he pulled him into a hug. Noah rolled his eyes at Finn.

“Thanks, it’s good to be here,” Noah said.

“Thanks for talking to the kids again. We consider you one of our biggest success stories, and the kids love it. I always knew you’d be one of our brightest stars,” Will said.

“Oh, that’s a lie, and we all know it,” Noah laughed. “Even I thought I’d end up dead or in jail by 30, so it’s okay. We don’t have to pretend.”

Will looked shocked. “Really? Why would you think that?”

“Oh come on, Will, he even said it,” Finn laughed. He wasn’t sure if Will was kidding, or really this oblivious. He hoped he was kidding.

“When did he say that?” Will asked, looking honestly shocked.

Noah rolled his eyes. “Oh, you asked us something one day about where we saw ourselves in the future, like 2030, or when we were 30, don’t remember. I said in jail, dead, or both.”

“Right, and Artie said walking, and Kurt and Rachel said Broadway,” Finn added.

“That’s a scary memory you have there,” Noah said.

“Well, I was sitting in the middle of Kurt and Rachel. That was scary.”

“Oh, right. Will, it was during your Spanish music lesson,” Noah remembered.

“Wow, I really don’t remember you saying that, Noah. I should have reacted or responded to that,” Will said. “I’m sorry.”

“Not a big deal,” Noah said. “I’m not going to let any of those things happen now. Ready to go, Finn? We have plans.”

“Plans? Oh, yeah, the plans. Gotta go, Will. See ya later.”

With that, they walked out.

 

“Fuck him for ignoring me. Fuck everyone for ignoring me. He was the teacher who knew me best, besides Coach Beiste, and yet he didn’t even listen to me. What the fuck, Finn? Am I fucking invisible? Do I just not matter? Do you know that since graduating, my motivation has been to prove every one of these motherfuckers wrong, especially my shitty parents. If someone else wasn’t living in it, I’d go over and burn our old house down.” Noah was pissed, just beyond angry. They stood in the parking lot of the school, and Noah was pacing beside Finn’s truck. Finn knew, though, that underneath the anger was a lot of hurt. 

“You know what? It’s been ten years. Maybe it’s time to let it go and just succeed for yourself. Prove to yourself that you can do it, that you are worth it, and forgive them.”

“Fuck them. They don’t deserve my forgiveness,” Noah said.

“No, maybe they don’t,” Finn said. “But you do. You deserve to find peace. Forgiveness is as much for you as it is the other person.”

“But they suck, Finn.”

“They do. They suck in big, bad ways, but forgiving them doesn’t mean what they did is okay. It means you are not going to let them have control over your life for one more day. Staying angry at them, trying to prove anything to them means they have control,” Finn said.

“Fuck. You’re right. I’m still letting them win.” Noah’s eyes filled with tears, and he hung his head.

Finn drew Noah to him in a hug. “It’s okay, babe, really. Now this means that you can be the best for yourself, and for Beth.”

“I want a drink,” Noah said into Finn’s shoulder.

“I’m sure. How about coffee instead? Lima Bean?”

“So not the same, but so much of a better choice. Sure, and babe? Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome.”

*******

That night, after Noah went to a meeting held at St. Rita’s hospital, they ate a late dinner, watched some Netflix, and went to bed. Noah leaned into Finn and kissed him. “Thanks again for today.”

Finn kissed him back, and said, “Anytime, and it’s not like you haven’t done the same for me like a thousand times.”

Noah grabbed Finn and kissed him hard, leaning over him. Finn groaned, and put his hand on the back of Noah’s neck, pulling him closer. Noah was half on top of Finn now, and was grinding his hips into Finn’s thigh.

“Fuck, you feel good,” he whispered. “You’re so fucking sexy.”

Finn sat up a bit, and rolled so that he was on top of Noah, and settled himself between Noah’s legs. He lowered himself to kiss Noah, and in doing so, felt their groins make contact, and they both groaned.

“Shit, you’re hot,” Finn said, as he rubbed his hard cock on Noah’s. “You feel so good, babe.”

They were both only in t-shirts and shorts, since they were ready for bed, and the thin cotton was little barrier for what they wanted from each other. Finn reached down and palmed Noah’s erection, and stroked him through his shorts. Noah’s hips thrust up to meet Finn’s strokes, and he threw one hand up over his head.

“If you keep do… ohh shit, that’s good, but if you keep doing that, this is going to be over before it starts,” Noah stuttered.

Finn sat back, and asked, “How much can we do here? I know we’ve been taking it slow, and we both have reasons for that, but for you, where is your line?” He watched Noah’s face, and was surprised when Noah actually blushed.

“This is gonna sound really lame, but in my head, I’ve imagined us having sex after I get my one-year coin in NA. I know you are a relationship-sex guy, and I want to do this right. I want to do one thing right, and I feel like I’ll regret it if I don’t do it exactly right.”

Finn rolled off Noah, but pulled him close, and wrapped his arms around him. “Oh babe, that’s not lame at all. That’s actually really important, and really special. It will mean more if we wait until it’s right for both of us.”

Noah got all teary, and he didn’t want to cry. Finn noticed, and kissed the top of his head.

“Why are you crying?”

“I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you. I was such a shit to you. I left you for four years, and just disappeared for days. Why aren’t you so pissed at me?”

“Oh I’ve been mad at you, trust me. More though, I was just worried. But you apologized, I understood, and I forgave you. I love you, babe,” Finn said. 

Noah just cried harder. “No one’s ever loved me before.”

“That’s not even true. Sarah loves you. Santana and Britt love you, Kurt and Blaine love you, Shelby and Beth love you, and my mom has loved you for as long as I have. Hell, even Rachel loves you in her crazy way. Loads of people love you, and I’m at the top of the list.”

Overcome by Finn’s words, he raised his head, and kissed Finn hard and passionately. He rolled on top of Finn, rolled his hips against Finn’s, and moaned into Finn’s mouth.

“Fuck, I love you, babe,” he said. “I want you so much.” He reached in between them and stroked Finn’s erection. Finn’s hips thrust up to meet Noah’s hand, and Noah reached inside Finn’s shorts, and wrapped his hand around Finn’s cock for the first time.

Both men stopped for a second, realizing this moment was so long in the making. 

“Holy shit, my hand is on your dick,” Noah laughed.

“Yeah, I kinda noticed that,” Finn said, laughing too.

“I can’t count the times I’ve fantasized about this moment, and now it’s happening.” He stroked once, then again, and said, “Fuck, you feel so good in my hand.”

“I’ve fantasized about this, too, ya know. I started wishing for this way back in high school, maybe in middle school. I had a choir room fantasy that I used for a long time,” Finn admitted while Noah stroked him.

“Yeah? Why don’t you tell me about that?”

“Oh… yeah, that’s good. Um, we were in the choir room, and someone was singing. We were sitting next to each other, and you started touching me, through my jeans. You did that – oh god like that, babe – and then suddenly you pulled my dick out and um…” 

“Tell me the rest. Please,” Noah begged. “It’s so hot.”

“Well, then you knelt down in front of me and sucked me off,” Finn said in a rush. “I’m so close.”

Noah pulled Finn’s shirt off, then pulled his shorts and boxers off, and took him in hand again. “Fuck, look at you. Come for me, Finn. I want to see you come. I had my own fantasy in the choir room. It was similar to yours, but when I sucked you off, you were usually sitting at the drums.”

Finn came, and Noah thought he’d never seen a more beautiful sight in his life. His body tensed, his face scrunched up, and his toes curled, and Noah thought it was the sexiest thing ever. He leaned down and kissed Finn, and reached over for his shirt to clean Finn off. 

When the cursory clean up was finished, Finn grabbed Noah, and laid him on the bed. “Your turn. Lift your hips.”

Finn slowly pulled Noah’s shorts off, kissing skin as he exposed it. When his shorts were off, Finn had Noah sit up, and he removed his shirt and tossed it to the side, and leaned in to kiss Noah. “You’re beautiful, so beautiful.”

Finn’s hands roamed every damned where, and Noah thought he’d lose his mind, until finally, Finn wrapped his big hand around his dick. 

“Oh my god, I always fantasized about the size of your hands, and how they’d feel on my dick, but shit. This is so good,” Noah said.

“Yeah?” Finn asked as he ran his thumb over the head. 

“Fuuuck, yes. Yes, it’s good. It’s great. You’re fucking good at this.”

“You look so hot, babe. You feel so good. You’re so hard, and it’s so fucking sexy. Tell me about your choir room fantasy.”

“Ha, uh which one? Oh fuck, that’s good,” Noah said.

“You had more than one? That’s so hot. Pick your favorite one,” Finn suggested.

“Um, trying to think here, babe, and you’re making it hard,” Noah said, breathing heavier. “There was one where I bent you over the piano and fucked you. There was another where I fucked you on the piano bench. There was one where you fucked me or I blew you in the locker room. Ohhh god, yes, I love your thumb like that. I always wanted to blow you in the showers in the locker room.”

“Holy fuck babe, that’s hot. So fucking hot. I’ll blow you in the shower someday,” Finn said. “I can’t wait to taste you.”

With almost no warning, Noah came. Finn leaned down and kissed him, then got up to get a wet washcloth to clean them both up.

After, they lay in bed, wrapped around each other, Noah asked what Finn was thinking about.

“Did we go too far? I don’t want you to think you didn’t do it exactly right,” Finn said.

“No, it’s okay. It means something, obviously, but it was the limit I’d set for myself when you came back into my life. I wasn’t naïve enough to think we’d wait for everything, and I’m surprised we waited this long, to be honest.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, babe, I’m sure,” Noah said. “I’m perfectly happy with how this happened. What about you? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I am, actually. I wasn’t sure if I would be or not, but yeah, I’m good. I’m not sure I would be with anyone else, but it’s you.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning that I’ve known you forever. I’ve loved you forever. After Andy… well, after, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone again for awhile, and when I got to a place where I could start imagining it, I could only imagine it with you.”

“What would you have done if you couldn’t have found me? Never been with anyone else?”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Oh whatever. I was going to find you. Santana and I had already talked about hiring a private investigator. We would have found you. Count on that. If it took us thirty years, we would have found you, babe.”

Noah was silent for a minute as he took that in. His eyes filled with tears, and he said, “Fuck, I’m so sorry I did that to you, Finn. It was selfish, and you guys were so worried. I never even thought that you would be. I figured you all would just move on with your lives. I’m so sorry.”

“Okay, yeah, it was shitty. We’ve been over this, babe. You were in a dark place, and not really yourself. We get it. We’ve forgiven you for it, and now you need to forgive yourself.”

*******

They spent Saturday lazing around, and then went to Sam’s for a cookout. It was a fun, relaxed evening, and no one mentioned that Noah was leaving the next day. Finn and Noah needed some stress-free time, and Sam made sure they got it.

They left, and went home fairly early, wanting to spend what time they could alone. On the way home, they were quiet, then Noah quietly said, “Sam asked me what I thought about your songs. I forgot all about them. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Oh I figured they were crap, and it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, babe, really.”

“It does matter. Once again, I got wrapped up in myself, and you got the shit end of the deal.” Noah didn’t look at Finn. He knew he’d find forgiveness, and he didn’t want it. He knew he didn’t deserve it.

“Stop, okay? It’s not ‘again’. It’s the same time, so it’s not ‘again’. We’ll listen when we get home, and it will be fine, okay?” Finn knew Noah had a tendency to be harder on himself than anyone else, but it was hard hearing him like this. “You may be upset with yourself, but don’t put that on me.”

“One day soon you are going to have to stop letting me walk all over you.”

“Is that what you think you’re doing? What I’m doing? Why don’t you have more respect for either of us?” Finn was getting mad now.

“I respect you, babe.”

“No, you really don’t, not if you think you’re walking all over me, and you think I’m letting you. Do you really think so little of me? That I have such little self-respect that I’d let someone treat me like shit?”

“Finn, you are missing my point. You’re the decent one here, the…”

“Don’t give me that, Noah. Don’t do that to me. I’m not 100% good, and you’re not 100% bad. Why do you put us in such narrow slots? I’m no angel, and you’re not a devil. I don’t want to be on that kind of pedestal.”

“Fuck, you sound like my therapist,” Noah laughed weakly.

“Then you have a good one,” Finn said, “and you should fucking listen to her.”

They arrived at Finn’s house, and Finn walked in the house, got his iPad, and opened the songwriter app, and handed it to Noah. He showed him how to play the songs, then walked away.

“There. Now you can listen. I’m going upstairs.” He turned and walked away, leaving Noah in the kitchen alone to listen to Finn’s heart played out in song.

Noah played the first song, about coming home again, and had to sit down less than halfway through it. Sure, the sound quality could be better, since Finn hadn’t done it with anything other than an app on an iPad, but it was good. Damned good, and Noah was crying before it was over.

“Fuck, am I ever going to stop crying?” he mumbled to himself. “All I do lately is cry.”

He tapped play on the second song, and as soon as he realized that it was about finding a lost love, he struggled to not break down. “Jesus Christ, get it together. You have to listen to the song, not sob through it. And now I’m talking to myself. Picture of mental health, that’s what I am. Fuck.”

He restarted the song, and listened to it completely. Then he listened to both again. He was really touched, and amazed. Finn could write songs, and do it really well. He wanted these songs on his album, and he wanted Finn to sing with him, or play, or whatever he wanted to do. Finn didn’t even know that the album’s theme was going to be about being gone and coming back, or reconnecting, or something like that, and here he wrote two songs that fit it perfectly. 

He ran upstairs, and found Finn laying in bed with his laptop open to Facebook.

“Doing anything important?” Noah asked him.

“No, why?”

Noah took the laptop from Finn and placed it on the dresser, then almost launched himself at Finn, landing half on him, and wrapping his arms around him.

“Your songs, babe. They are so fucking good I wish I had written them myself.”

“Noah, you don’t have to say that. If they suck, I’d rather know.”

“I’m just going to pretend you didn’t say that. Instead, I’m going to say that I love them, and I love you for writing about us. I cried, of course. What else do I do lately but cry? Anyway, they are so fucking good, and I want them on my album. I want you to sing them with me, or play drums on them, or both, or whatever you want to do. What do you think? You’ll be paid, of course.”

“Seriously? You want my songs? Babe, you can have them, and you don’t need to pay me.”

“You suck as a business man. You are getting paid. This is a business. You’ll get paid. It’s how it’s done. Just think about it.”

“Oh well, now I’m sure I’ll think of little else,” Finn laughed.

“How about you think of this?” Noah said as he leaned down to kiss him, and ran a hand up Finn’s chest.

“That works.”

 

The following morning, Finn again woke first, and took Bruce out. When they got back to the house, Finn fed Bruce, and decided to make some breakfast for Noah’s last day there. Since even he could make bacon and eggs without ruining it, he thought he’d do that while Noah slept.

He was just finishing when Noah came into the kitchen. 

“I thought I smelled bacon. I thought I was dreaming at first, but it’s real. You’re an angel.”

“Yeah, that’s me, the bacon angel for my man.” Finn laughed.

Noah stopped pouring his coffee, and said quietly, “Am I?”

“Are you what?”

“Your man.”

Finn stopped, too. “Oh yeah, well, I guess so.” Shit, shit, shit. Andy was his man. That’s what they always said to each other, and he wasn’t thinking when he said that, and he slipped. 

“Good. I want to be,” Noah said.

“And how many days till a year?”

“Sixteen.” Noah noticed a slight shift in Finn after Noah asked him if he was his man, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“Babe, that’s awesome, it really is. You should be really proud of yourself.” Finn leaned over and kissed him quickly.

“I am, but are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Let’s eat.”

 

Noah’s flight left at 1:45, so they left for the airport a little while after breakfast. On the way to the airport, Noah asked Finn again if he was okay.

“Yes, why do you keep asking me that?

“I don’t know, just something different about you since breakfast.”

“I just hate seeing you go. I don’t know when I’ll see you again. It sucks. I need to figure out what I’m doing with my life.” Finn knew he wasn’t being completely honest, and it bugged him that he wasn’t, but he wasn’t ready to go into the whole “my man” discussion. He wasn’t sure he wanted to share that with anyone, even Noah.

“Are you sure nothing else is wrong?” Noah asked.

“Yes, I’ll just miss you,” Finn said. He told himself that was actually true, but he didn’t like lying, even by omission.

“I’ll miss you, too.”

 

They arrived at the airport, and they said goodbye at the departure drop-off lane. Noah had said that with security being what it was, there was no point in Finn going inside, so they hugged and kissed goodbye at the curb.

“Call me when you get home?” Finn said.

“Yep, of course. I love you,” Noah said.

“I love you, too.”

*******

Finn drove home and thought all the way. He had so many decisions to make, but the only thing that was going through his mind was Noah asking if he was his man. “Am I?” was running through his head like a song he couldn’t stop playing, and he was driving himself crazy.

He called Sam and asked if he was free to talk. Sam said yes, and to come over any time.

He got to Sam’s, and just started talking. Sam was kind of surprised, since Finn hadn’t shared this much before.

“So there we were in the kitchen, and he asks if he’s my man. I said yes, but I panicked, Sam. Andy was my man. Um, there is some stuff behind that, some stuff that’s just for Andy and I, but that’s what we used to say to each other. Then I said it to Noah, and it was a slip, kind of, I guess. All the way to the airport, Noah was asking me what was wrong, and I just said I’ll miss him, but that’s not the entire truth, which bugs me, too. We are supposed to be honest with each other, and now I’ve lied by omission. I suck, Sam. I just suck.” Finn put his head in his hands, and sighed.

Well, Sam was waiting to be asked, and he was going to take this as his opportunity to share his thoughts.

“First, you don’t suck. You’re human. Of course, there are things between you and Andy that you don’t want to repeat with Noah, things that were yours and Andy’s. That makes sense. There are always things like that. I mean, no one has the same song for two relationships, right? Cut yourself some slack, Finn.”

“But…”

“No, just don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe you should have told Noah, but needing time to process isn’t bad, either. I’m sure Noah would understand that. But let’s look at this. Do you think Noah asking if he was your man means the same thing that you and Andy used to share with “my man”? It seems as if he was just asking if you all were together, or asking if he was the one you wanted. You thought of it one way, but I think Noah meant it another.”

“Fuck,” was all Finn could say.

“Do you want to be with Noah?” Sam asked. “Do you want a relationship with him?”

“I do, but when I think about it sometimes, I panic. Getting in a relationship with Noah, or anyone, means I let go of Andy.”

“Why does it mean that? Andy will always be with you. Get a tattoo or something if it helps, but Andy is always going to be a part of you. Your dad is a part of you, and with you, and you don’t really even remember him. Do you think your dad and Kurt’s mom aren’t still with Carole and Burt? That they don’t still remember them?”

“No, I know they do, but they were married, had kids, and whatever.”

“No, not whatever, Finn. People we love who die are always with us. I don’t care if you believe in God, or a certain religion, or whatever, that’s true. He’ll be in your heart.”

“What do I do, Sam? He wants me to play and sing on his record. He listened to my songs last night, and wants to record them. I don’t know what to do,” Finn said into his hands.

“Honestly? I’m not sure why you came back here for longer than it takes to pack your stuff. You and Noah belong together. You always have. Find a new thing to call each other if “my man” doesn’t work, but you don’t belong here, Finn, and you know it as well as I do. You said yourself that this doesn’t feel like home anymore. Go get the love of your life.”

“Andy was the love of my life.”

“So you are one of the lucky ones who gets two. Some people never find one. You’ve found two.”

“Lucky. I’m not sure I’d call myself that,” Finn said, pouting.

“No, okay, in a lot of ways you haven’t been. You lost Andy. That’s tragic. But finding Noah and finding love again? That’s lucky, Finn.”

 

Finn left shortly after, and went home with a lot more to think about. Noah called to let him know he was home, but they only talked for a few minutes. Noah knew something was bothering Finn, but until Finn was ready to talk about it, there wasn’t a lot he could do.

*******

A few days later, Carole called Finn, and Finn finally talked about it with her.

“Mom, how did you know you were ready to be in another relationship after Dad died?”

“Well, for me, I knew I was ready when I could imagine building a life with someone else, but I waited because I had you. Burt and I have talked about it, and he felt similarly. Why do you ask? Are you not sure you’re ready?”

Finn sighed. “I don’t know. I love Noah, but I feel like if I get into another relationship or love someone else, it means I’m letting Andy go.”

“Letting him go where or how exactly?” Carole asked.

“Like I’m saying it’s over, or it doesn’t matter anymore, or he didn’t matter.”

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry to say this, but it is over. He died. But Finn? Of course he mattered. Your relationship with him mattered. It will always matter, even if you fall in love ten more times in your life. Do you think my relationship with your dad doesn’t matter to me because I fell in love with Burt?”

“No, but you had me. Andy and I weren’t married and never had kids.” Yep, he was pouting again. 

Carole laughed. “Finn, there was more to my life with your dad than just you, shocking as that may be. Your dad loved me. I loved him. We were together for a long time before you came along in our lives. He was my best friend, my lover, and my person. Yes, having you was wonderful, but we were more than just parents. I lost my person when your dad died. Loving Burt takes nothing away from that, and doesn’t make it any less important to me, or lessen its impact on my life.”

“Why isn’t this easier, Mom?”

“I don’t know, baby. When you are ready, you’ll know, and it will be easy then.”

They ended the call, and Finn sat in the silence for a while, thinking. He wanted to be in New York, and the idea of helping Noah on his album was awesome. He could volunteer with any number of local agencies in the city that worked with kids. 

He just got stuck on Andy. 

 

Two days later, Trish, Andy’s mom, called. 

“I just can’t stop thinking about you and your Noah, and was wondering how things were going,” she said.

“Trish, I’m stuck, to be honest. I can’t let go of Andy.” He told her about what happened in the kitchen when Finn called Noah “my man”, and about the songs, and well, everything.

“Finn, you’re ready, and Andy would want you to be. Do you realize that when you wrote the songs, you wrote about going home and reconnecting with Noah, and not about losing Andy? Perhaps you will someday, but it means you’re ready for Noah. Andy would be happy, honey, not sad. He loved you so much, Finn, and only wanted you to be happy. You shared something so special, and he knows you honor that. You carry the best parts of him with you. Go forward, Finn. Don’t hold on to the past. Andy would hate that.”

“I know. I know that logically.”

“Yes, it’s the emotions that get sticky. Finn, this may be presumptuous of me, but if you need it, you have our blessing.”

“No it isn’t presumptuous at all, and I think I did need that. Thanks, really. Love you all.”

“Love you, too.”

 

A few days later, Kurt called. Finn shared the story with him, and was starting to annoy himself with how stuck he was. He for sure seemed to be annoying Kurt.

“Finn, I love you, but come on. You love Noah, you want to be in New York, and you have a chance to be a recording artist. What exactly are you afraid of, because I don’t think Andy’s it. I think Andy is an excuse.”

“I’d never use Andy as an excuse, Kurt. What the hell?” Finn said in a huff.

“Maybe not knowingly, but I think you are. You are holding back, and why? Are you afraid you aren’t good enough? It’s no secret this has always been an underlying fear for you.”

“Well, what if I’m not? What if I get there, and I suck?”

Kurt sighed. “Well, then you work on improving. But what if you don’t suck? If you don’t try, you’ll never know. Be brave, Finn. Try.”

“I want to. I really do.”

“Don’t just want to. Do it. Are you going to Noah’s one year ceremony?” Kurt asked.

“His what?” 

“Come on, Finn. In NA, when someone completes a year of sobriety, they have a ceremony to award them their one year chip. He didn’t mention it?”

Finn frowned. “No, he didn’t. I wonder why.”

“Maybe you should find out. Maybe he thinks he doesn’t matter enough to make a big deal out of it.”

Fuck, that had a ring of truth to it. 

 

They ended the call, and Finn got some water, and thought about what Kurt said. He was afraid of losing Andy, but there was enough truth to what Kurt said that it made Finn nauseous. At least a small part of him had been using Andy as an excuse. He was afraid of failure, and instead of trying, he was sitting in Lima, on his ass, while life passed him by. He was in Lima while Noah was in New York. Fuck, that was dumb.

 

Finn called Joe. 

“Hey Finn, what’s up? Is Noah okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. I’m calling about the one-year ceremony. Noah didn’t mention it to me. What does it mean?”

Joe explained what Kurt had said, and mentioned that it was a pretty big deal. “There is usually someone who presents the coin, and makes a small speech about how far the person has come, that kind of thing. I suggested Noah invite you, but he keeps downplaying it, saying it isn’t a big deal. It really is, though.”

“Can I come? Is it open?” 

“Yeah, anyone can come to those. Noah asked me to present him with his coin, but I think that should come from you. I think he asked me because he was afraid to ask you. Don’t say you’ll do this if there is a chance you’ll not come.”

“No, I’ll be there, and I’d be honored to present him with his coin, if that’s okay with you. I’ll be moving there permanently this time. Noah doesn’t know that yet.”

“Okay, I won’t tell him. Are you planning on telling him you’re coming to the ceremony?”

“Is it okay if I surprise him?” Finn asked.

“Sure. It will mean a lot to him.”

“Can others come, too?”

“The more, the better. Noah thinks no one cares about this, so bring as many people as you want,” Joe said.

Finn called Kurt, Santana, Sam, Shelby, Quinn, Jake and Sarah. He even called Coach Beiste, who was coaching in New Jersey now. He put a plan together, and everyone was in.

Santana said Finn could stay with her as long as needed, though she suspected that it wouldn’t be long before he’d be moving in with Noah. Sam helped Finn pack all his stuff, and close the house.

*******

Finn spent July 4th with Sam, Katie and the kids. Finn was really hesitant about going to the fireworks, because well, fireworks, PTSD – not a good mix for combat veterans. He really wanted to not be, in his words, ‘abnormal’ anymore, so he talked to Mark and Mark suggested that if he wanted to try the fireworks, maybe he should get some good headphones, and listen to some music while watching, so he didn’t hear the explosions.

So he did the research, and bought the best wireless noise-cancelling headphones he could find. He had his rescue meds in his pocket, just in case, and Bruce by his side. He didn’t even have a beer, just in case he needed his meds, and though he was anxious, he had a plan, and he was ready.

They watched the Veteran’s Parade, which Finn had been invited to participate in, but he declined. Maybe another year, but this year, he wasn’t ready. He stood and saluted his fellow veterans, and tears ran down his face as he thought about Andy. Andy loved parades, holidays, and all the fanfare that went with them, just as Finn did. He saluted, and silently thanked Andy for his service and his sacrifice, and said goodbye.

They made their way to Faurot Park after the parade, after taking the kids on some of the kiddie rides and getting some hotdogs, chips and drinks. Sam and Finn took blankets from their backpacks and spread them on the ground. They got the kids settled, and then themselves. They saw several people they knew, especially Sam and Katie, but even some Finn knew, so the couple of hours until the fireworks started passed quickly.

Finn got his headphones out and put them on as soon as the anthem was over, and he looked around and saw quite a few others with them on, too. Some he recognized as vets, some were kids, and others he couldn’t tell why, but he certainly didn’t stand out as he feared he might. Sam and Katie even had them for the kids. 

Finn watched the fireworks in awe. Sure, they were cool, but it was Lima, and he’d seen better in other places. It didn’t matter, though. He was just amazed that he could watch with ease, and not hear the explosions. He looked over to Sam to share his excitement, but he was sitting with Katie, arms wrapped around each other, watching their sweet children, who’d actually fallen asleep. Finn turned away, letting them have their family moment, just happy for his friends, and himself. He felt normal, and that’s all he wanted.

 

On July 5th, Sam and Finn flew to New York. They stayed with Santana and Britt, and Finn was busy texting everyone, making sure they’d be at the church on time for the ceremony. Quinn, Sarah and Jake were staying with Shelby and Beth, and Coach Beiste lived just a short train ride away, and would be there with time to spare, he promised.

 

On the day of the ceremony, July 6th, Joe took Noah into one of the side rooms so that all the surprise guests could arrive and get seated in the meeting room without Noah seeing them. Joe led him into the room just at 8 pm, and led Noah to a front row seat. He didn’t even see his friends.

They had the regular part of their meeting first, and at the end, Joe stood, and said that it was Noah’s one year date, and “if everyone could bear with us, we’d appreciate it, since this is going to be like no other one-year-ceremony you’ve seen.”

Noah was confused. What was so different about his ceremony?

He stood up next to Joe, raised his eyebrows, and asked, “What’s going on?”

Joe just smiled, and said, “I’ve been Noah’s sponsor since he came to New York about 9 months ago, and he’s come a long way since then. He asked me to present him with his coin, but I think some other people want to speak, and there is someone more appropriate to present the coin than me.”

With that, Finn and the others stood up and walked to the front of the room. Noah was stunned, and his eyes filled with tears.

“What the fuck…” he mumbled.

“Always with the language, even when we were kids,” Sarah said wryly, but with a smile. “Hi, I’m Sarah, Noah’s younger sister. Noah and I didn’t have an easy childhood, but he was always my protector. Most days, he was the one that fed me, clothed me, and got me to school. He’ll disagree with this, but he was the best brother a girl could ask for. I’m so freaking proud of you, Noah. You bore the brunt of so much, and fell far, but look at you rising. I love you.” She gave him a hug, and kissed his cheek.

“I can’t believe you came,” Noah said. “Thank you, and I love you, too.”

“I’m Jake, the actual brother from another mother. I didn’t meet Noah until I was in high school, but he quickly became my hero. That never changed. You’re a badass, man. Look at you with one year sober. That’s badass. Love you, man.” Jake hugged Noah, who thanked him for coming, too.

“Is everyone speaking? I’m in trouble, I think,” Noah joked.

“Everyone is speaking, Noah, and just listen. Always deflecting. Another trait from long ago. I’m Kurt, and I’ve known Noah since childhood. He became my protector, too, and one of my best friends, to the shock of absolutely everyone. You’re stronger than you’ve ever given yourself credit for. I love you, Noah.”

Noah hugged him as Blaine began.

“I met Noah my sophomore year of high school, and knew he was different immediately. He was tough, but kind as well. None of that has changed. You’re amazing, Noah. Love you.”

“I’m Sam. I met Noah in high school, too. He asked me how many balls I could fit in my mouth, and I knew he was cool. I didn’t know we’d be friends, though. Shortly after, I started dating his ex-girlfriend.” Everyone laughed, and Noah just mumbled, “Oh my god.”

Sam continued. “But we did end up friends, and today I count him among my best friends. He’s a brother, and I couldn’t be prouder. Love you, man.”

“Hi, I’m Brittany. Noah has been one of my best friends for as long as I can remember. One of my first memories of him is of him pushing Billy Walker when Billy called me a bad name on the playground at recess. I think it was first grade. I’ve loved him ever since, and he never stopped being an awesome person. I love you, my happy dolphin.”

“I’m Santana. Noah and I go back to first grade, too. He is the brother I never had, the person who understood me when so many others didn’t. He is one of my rocks, one of my people. He went dark for a while, but he’s so incredibly beautiful in the light he’s found now. Noah, I love you, and I’m so fucking proud of you I could cry,” she said with tears running down her face.

“Wow, not a single insult,” Noah joked.

“You jerk, you think I would insult you today? This is so awesome,” Santana cried in his arms.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I love you, too.”

“Hi, I’m Rachel. I met Noah at Temple when we were kids, but we didn’t really become friends until we were in high school. Sometimes we forget that we are loved for just being us. Noah did for a bit, and he helped me when I did, too. He talked to me when few others would, and convinced me to get help when I needed it. He’s been one of my boys for a long time, and stood up for me when others didn’t. He’s a rock. I love you, Noah.”

Finn looked at Santana, who shrugged. If Noah talked to Rachel and convinced her to get help, it was a secret until now, but it sounded like something Noah would do.

“I’m Sheldon Beiste, and I met Noah when he was in high school. I was his football coach, but we became friends, and he helped me as much as I helped him. I told you then that you were loved, Punkin,” and Noah laughed at the old nickname, “and you were not alone. I think you forgot that for a time, but I hope you never do again.”

“I’m Shelby, and have known Noah since he was in high school. I’ve seen him grow into a kind and gentle man, a dedicated man, and one I’m proud to know.”

Beth walked over to Noah and grabbed his hand. “Hi, I’m Beth, and this is my daddy. I know he made some bad choices, but he has always been great to me. He told me what he used to do, and I’m so proud that he stopped using drugs. I love you, Dad.”

“I’m Quinn. I’m one of Beth’s moms, and I can’t remember not knowing Noah. He and I have had a, well, rocky relationship at times, but he is the best father, best friend, and one of the best men I know. I know it hasn’t been easy for him, and often, I didn’t help make it any easier, but he’s one of the good ones. He’s one of the best ones.”

Noah cried as hugged his daughter and waited. He knew this meant Finn was going to speak, and that he would probably be presenting him with his coin.

“Hi, I’m Finn, and Bruce the Wonder Dog here is my service dog. Noah and I have known each other since elementary school, too. We’ve been best friends since. He was a fixture at my house, so much so that my mom would buy his favorite cereal along with mine. We did everything together. We played football together, played music together. He is one of the most important people in my life. I know what it’s like to not have him in my life, and I know that having his presence in my life is one of my greatest blessings. 

“About four years ago, Noah disappeared from our lives. We know why now, but didn’t then, and it was terrifying. He made some bad decisions, but ultimately, ended up here. One year sober and drug-free, Noah. I’m so proud of you, babe. I love you, but you know that, I hope. We all do.

“It’s such an honor to present you with your one year coin. Congratulations, you’ve earned this. No retreat, no surrender.” 

Noah was openly crying now, and hugged Finn. “I can’t believe you did this,” he said in Finn’s ear.

“Why? I love you. You deserve this.”

“Okay, I get it,” Noah said before letting go to make his own speech.

“Hi, I’m Noah, and I’m an addict, and I have no idea what to even say after all that. Four years ago, I started using after I got an emotional smack down. Many of you know my story. Like everyone else, I never thought I’d end up addicted, and just wanted to numb the pain. Well, we all know how that goes, right? Thank you all for sitting through this, and thanks to Joe, who I’m sure had a hand in putting it together. One of the things I’ve struggled with, as many of us do, is thinking I don’t deserve things like this, or being loved like this. I can’t say I’m miraculously better, but I’m getting there. I just have to keep believing it.”

“Should we sing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’?” Sam joked. 

“Oh my god, no. No singing. Please,” Noah said, but he laughed along with the others. “Thanks again, to everyone. I love you.”

 

There was a small reception after, then Noah, Finn, and the others walked outside. Noah hugged everyone again, and thanked them for coming. He made plans with everyone for lunch the following day with everyone who was visiting, and found out that Sheldon was just across the river in New Jersey. 

“That’s awesome, but how come I didn’t know that?” Noah asked.

“I don’t know, but you do now, so no excuses.”

Everyone was leaving, so Noah asked where Finn was staying. 

“I hope with you,” Finn answered. “I have everything I need in my bag.”

“Good answer.”

 

They walked the short distance to Noah’s apartment, and Noah’s mind was swirling with questions and emotions. He couldn’t believe he’d made it to a year, and how long was Finn staying? Were they in a relationship now? Where was Finn going to live – New York or Lima? How did Finn get everyone to show up? How did he even know about it?

They got to Noah’s apartment, and after Finn set up Bruce’s food and water, he walked to Noah and took him in his arms.

“I’m so fucking proud of you, babe. One year. That’s so amazing,” Finn said.

“Thanks, but how did you do it? How did you get everyone there?”

“What do you mean? I called and asked them to come,” Finn said, honestly confused.

“And they just did?”

“They just did. Every single person just did. No questions. Everyone wanted to be there for you because they love you. You are loved,” Finn said, and kissed him.

“Wow.” For Noah, who had convinced himself that he was alone in this world for so long, it was a lot to take in.

“Just accept it, babe. You have people who love you. You’re never alone, probably even if you wanted to be,” Finn laughed.

“How long are you here for?” Noah asked.

“For as long as you want me.”

“What?” Noah thought he knew what that meant, but was afraid to believe it.

“I’m here for good. I packed up everything. It’s clogging up Santana and Britt’s guest room for now, but it can clog up space here, if you want.”

Noah was stunned. “You’re moving here? You want to live with me? Are you ready for that?”

Finn moved them to couch, and sat down, pulling Noah down next to him.

“There are some things I need to explain. I freaked out when I called you ‘my man’. Andy and I did that as one of our things, and I panicked. I wanted, and want, you as my man, but just the label of that sent my mind racing. I should have just told you, but I didn’t know how. It also felt like I was violating something that was between Andy and me.”

“Babe, I know you had something really special with Andy, and I don’t expect you to love me as much…”

“Fuck. No, that’s not what I’m saying. You should expect me to love you as much, and I do. It’s not the same as Andy, because we are different people. I’m not comparing you and Andy. I mean, what the hell is that? Andy was amazing, but you are too. I’m not asking you to live in the shadow of a ghost anymore, either. Andy is gone. I’ll always love him, and remember him, but I’m in love with you now, and he’d be the first one to kick my ass if I continued to use him as an excuse and hold myself back from this, and from you.”

“Finn…”

“No, I’m not done. I’m sorry for putting you through all this. I don’t think it will always be easy for us, but what’s our motto? No retreat, baby, no surrender. So you’re my man, my best friend, my person, if you’ll have me.”

“Finn, are you done yet?”

“Yes,” Finn laughed.

“First, no apologies. Yes, I’ll have you, in all ways. You’re my man, too, and my best friend, and my person. And you know what?”

“What?”

“I made it a year.”

“You did. That’s amazing, babe, and I’m so proud of you,” Finn said.

“Yeah, that’s great, but babe, it’s been a year.” Noah stood, took Finn’s hand, and led him to the bedroom.

“Ohhh, it’s been a year,” Finn said, with the half-smile that Noah loved so much.

“And you finally get it,” Noah said softly.

“Yes, I get it. Noah,” he took both of Noah’s hands in his own. “I love you, so much.”

“I love you, too. We’ve waited a long time for this.”

“Yes, what – fifteen years or something?”

“Yeah, around that. It’s worth it, though.” Noah kissed Finn, and laid him back on the bed. Finn scooted back so his head would be on the pillows, and Noah just stood for a second, and said, “Fuck, I can’t believe this is finally happening.”

“I know, but babe? It won’t if you don’t join me.”

Noah got on the bed and lay next to Finn, leaning up on one arm. He leaned down to kiss him. Finn wrapped his arms around Noah, and rolled him on top of him. As their kissing grew more passionate, both kicked off their shoes, and they laughed as they heard the “thuds”.

“I’m sure your neighbors love us,” Finn said.

“Our neighbors, at least until we can find a bigger place, and who cares? Just kiss me again.”

Noah pulled Finn to a sitting position, and took off Finn’s shirt, pulling it over his head, and then told Finn to lie back and lift his hips. 

“Oof, these are the fitted jeans, huh? This was always much sexier and smoother when I imagined it,” Noah laughed at himself as he struggled to remove Finn’s jeans.

“Don’t worry about being sexy. Just get them off,” Finn laughed. “I only wore them because you said you liked them.”

“I do like them. They look hot, babe, but they’ll look hotter on the floor.”

Finn groaned. “So corny, babe.”

“Yep,” Noah grinned. “You know you love it,” and he finally got Finn’s jeans off.

“I do,” Finn said, and he flipped Noah over, so he was under him now. He took Noah’s shirt off, and since Noah still favored baggier jeans, made easy work of taking those off.

“God, you take my breath away. I can’t believe how hot you still are. You’re so sexy,” Finn said as his eyes took in the sight of Noah laid out before him. He kissed Noah’s lips, then his neck, and down his chest. He reached down with his hand and stroked Noah through the boxer briefs he still had on.

“Fuck, babe, that feels good.”

“It’s supposed to,” Finn said, as he pulled Noah’s boxers down and off. He kissed back up Noah’s legs, and looked Noah in the eyes and he licked a stripe up the underside of his cock, and Noah shivered.

“Oh my god, yes,” Noah groaned.

“I’ve wanted to taste you since maybe freshmen year, when I saw you in the showers. I can’t believe I finally get to,” Finn said, just before he took Noah in his mouth.

“Holy fuck, Finn.”

Noah came apart as Finn licked, sucked, swirled his tongue, and cupped his balls. When Finn took a finger and drew a circle around Noah’s hole, Noah said, “Fuck, I’m going to come.” Finn continued, and when Noah came, he eagerly swallowed.

“God, babe, that was awesome. That was way better than I even imagined. ” Noah said hoarsely.

Finn moved up and kissed Noah, and Noah reached down and palmed Finn’s erection. Finn moaned, and Noah said, “I’ve had the same fantasies, you know. My turn.”

He moved down and removed Finn’s boxer briefs, and stroked his hand up Finn’s thigh, and smirked just before he took Finn in his mouth. Finn’s back arched, and he said, “Fuuck, that’s good, babe.” 

Noah took his time with Finn, savoring the moment. He was finally making love with Finn, and yeah, it was making love. He swirled his tongue around the head of Finn’s cock, and took him all the way in his mouth. Soon Finn said, “I’m going to come,” and Noah just grinned to himself, and watched Finn come apart.

Noah kissed Finn, and said, “I have supplies if you’re ready.”

“I do, too, in my bag.”

“Mine are closer.”

“Yours are best,” Finn laughed, and watched Noah get condoms and lube out of the nightstand drawer.

Finn kissed Noah, deep and hard, and said, “Condoms? Do we need them?”

“I don’t know. I got tested two weeks ago, and I’m good. I haven’t been with anyone in over a year,” Noah said.

“You haven’t?”

“No, I was in the hospital, then rehab, and I decided I was going to focus on my recovery, not my sex life. Then you came along, and I knew I didn’t want anyone else.”

“Oh babe,” Finn smiled, then looked serious for a minute. “I haven’t been with anyone since Andy, and we were tested in the army.”

“I know that. You’re a relationship sex guy. So condoms?”

“No, we don’t need them,” Finn said.

Noah was once again overwhelmed by someone’s utter faith in him. “I have my test results, if you need to see them.”

“No, I trust you, babe. Seriously. Come here.”

He wrapped his arms around Noah, and said, “How do you want to do this?”

Noah blushed, and said, “I want you inside me. I’ve wanted it for so long.”

“Hey, no blushing. No reason to be embarrassed. I love you, and nothing you want is bad, okay?”

Noah kissed him, and said, “I love you, babe.”

Finn reached for the lube, and put some on one finger, and gently entered Noah with it. 

“Fuck, Finn, that’s good.”

“Again, babe, it’s supposed to. Let me know when you’re ready for more,” Finn said as he moved his finger in and out and bent it a bit.

“I’m ready,” Noah moaned, and his hands fisted the sheet as Finn found his prostate.

Finn added more lube, and a second finger. “Fuck, this is hot. You look amazing.” Finn was rock hard again just from watching his fingers moving in and out of Noah.

Noah laughed, and said, “I bet it feels better than it looks.”

Finn just smiled his half-smile and kept moving his fingers. He crooked them, and Noah said, “Fuck yes, there. Oh my god, Finn.”

Finn moved his fingers again, trying to hit the spot each time, watching Noah lose control.

“Babe, this is so good, but I won’t last if you keep doing that. I’m ready.”

“Really? With two fingers?”

“Have you seen your fingers? I’m ready.”

Finn put a generous amount of lube on his hand, and stroked himself to spread it around. He lined himself up with Noah, and slowly entered him. 

“Fuck, you feel good. I’ve wanted this moment with you for longer than I even knew what it felt like. This first moment is one of the best things ever. I love you.”

Noah was still adjusting to Finn’s size, but he took a breath, and whispered, “Babe, I love you. I’ve had a lifetime of fantasies about this, and here we are.”

“You’re way more amazing than any fantasy I had.” 

Noah thrust his hips, so Finn started moving. They watched and listened, learning each other. Noah learned that Finn made the sexiest moans, and Finn learned that Noah loved touching. His hands were always on Finn’s arms, back, or ass, or he was combing his fingers through Finn’s hair, short as it was. 

Finn soon said, “Fuck babe, I’m close.”

“So am I. Come with me.”

Finn stroked Noah’s cock, and Noah came within a minute, and Finn seconds after. Spent, Finn collapsed on the bed next to Noah, pulled him close, and kissed him tenderly.

“That was amazing,” Finn said.

“Yeah, it was. You know, Brittany told me a long time ago that it was better with feelings. She was so right. That was incredible.”

“It was. So we’re in a relationship, I guess,” Finn said.

“We are, and it’s about fucking time.”

*******

One year later

 

Noah finished his song, and allowed the audience to cheer for a few moments, before he took the mic in his hands, and started talking.

“Hey everyone! Thanks for coming! This is the first stop on our tour, and we did it here, at the Lima Civic Center, on purpose. You know Finn and I grew up here, and we wanted to start our tour here. We have a ton of dates coming up, but Lima is special. Finn wrote our next song, and a lot of you know our story. It’s called ‘Finding You’.”

They sang it as a duet, and it was clear the lyrics meant a lot to them. When they finished the song, the audience, made up of friends, family, a lot of McKinley students and alumni, cheered loudly. Even Rachel, who’d gone through some intensive therapy and apologized to Finn and Noah, was there and cheering for “her boys”. 

Andy’s parents, John and Trish, were even there, along with his sisters and their partners.

In the past year, Finn and Noah had recorded the album, and while it was Noah’s solo project, Finn sang on his two songs, and played drums in the touring band, when he wasn’t singing his songs with Noah. He’d finally relented and adjusted his meds, and had far fewer episodes, though they still happened. He and Noah both knew that it could happen in the middle of a show, but Bruce the Wonder Dog was backstage (a vet had said it would be better for Bruce’s hearing if he remained backstage), and they had plans in place if anything happened. Finn was fairly nervous about it happening, but he figured if he couldn’t tour with his husband, then what was the point, anyway?

Yes, husband. They’d gotten married six months earlier, and it was a beautiful day. 

Finn had started volunteering at two agencies that work with kids, and was teaching music and doing some work with kids who had PTSD. After the tour was over, in four months, he’d go back to it.

Noah now had almost two full years of sobriety. It wasn’t always easy, but he hadn’t forgotten his support system again. 

They’d found a bigger place soon after Finn moved back, and Finn had a print made, which was hanging in their bedroom.

 

“The bad things are just things.  
What we see is just what we see. It isn’t always real.  
Our scars, the ones on our skin or on our hearts,  
just mean we fought battles and won.  
Our yesterdays aren’t our tomorrows.  
None of it is who we are.”

By Brittany S Pierce


End file.
